In my work with couples, I find that often, the greatest gift given is carving out time to make space for each other. This doesn’t necessarily mean putting date night on the calendar, although that is also important. Carving out and making space looks like intentional listening when a partner is speaking. Putting down the phone, eliminating other distractions, and internalizing what is worrying or joyous to the person you love. Not armed with response or judgment. Rather, creating ample space within our own consciousness for our loved ones’ desires, anxieties, hopes, and dreams. To feel and see that kind of space actively made is what causes a human being to feel valued, respected, cherished, and honored. Dismissal of this need is what consistently breaks down even the strongest of relationships.
Our tradition upholds the sacredness of this level of intimacy. Philosopher Martin Buber coins the interaction as “I and Thou.” Do we view the person before us as someone made in the image of God? Or do we view the person before us as an “It,” someone with whom we treat with very little care or concern? Is the connection relational or transactional? Is time being carved out to create a holy bond between souls, or is time being carved out to achieve a one-sided goal? Ultimately, the defining nature of the carved-out space depends on how we characterize the relationship. Is this the love of your life? Then you better start transitioning from seeing the person as an “It” and start seeing them as a “Thou.” That reframing is what causes a relationship to move forward or not.
Time is our greatest treasure and the greatest gift we can offer. Let those you love know that when you offer your time, you are present, open, and ready to learn and engage. Let them know that you stand before someone made in the image of God and that the time spent together is invaluable, even if nothing is said at all.
Carve out time and make space for each other so that souls can reunite and reconnect over and over again.
Shabbat Shalom
Rabbi Nicole Guzik is senior rabbi at Sinai Temple. She can be reached at her Facebook page at Rabbi Nicole Guzik or on Instagram @rabbiguzik. For more writings, visit Rabbi Guzik’s blog section from Sinai Temple’s website.
