Here is a flying tip I learned many years ago: take the first flight out in the morning. Even though it might mean waking at 3 a.m., the plane has probably been there all night, and the crew has likely rested (unless they fooled around with each other at The Hilton). These morning flights have fewer delays.
Be sure to make your breakfast the night before so you can take it with you. There is nothing at the airport under 10,000 calories or $35. If you have a safe room or an attached garage, get dressed in there so you don’t wake anyone. Even better, go to sleep fully outfitted.
Rising at 3 a.m., I keep the room pitch dark. After banging my knee a few times, I complete a walk around to the missus’ side of the bed to say: “I love you,” and to plant a very delicate kiss on her forehead. In Islam, a Muslim man is allowed four wives. To get all the kissing done, these men must wake up earlier than a one-wifer.
At 3 a.m., when I kiss my wife goodbye, she may mumble a barely audible slurry: “I love you. Call me when you get there.” I’ve learned most adults can live without the middle-of-the-night goodbye kiss. It’s nice to do, but it might be safer just to leave a loving note. If you really want to know whether the person you are kissing at 3 a.m. loves you, when they open their eyes, ask them to pick up some pickles and sauerkraut for you when you return.
If you’ve never kissed a sleeping adult, it’s very different from kissing a sleeping baby. Babies generally stay asleep when you kiss them. Let’s face it, if loading a diaper won’t wake them, a kiss certainly won’t. A baby’s skin is soft and moist at 3 a.m., whereas an adult’s is dry and pasty or full of creams and oils. Stroke a baby’s cheek in the dark, and they seem okay with it. Stroke an adult’s cheek, and they may call a lawyer, or if they’re from Brooklyn, shoot you with the .357 under their pillow.
If traveling that next day, try kissing goodbye an hour before you go to bed. Then you can say “I love you” as often as you need. If you’re going to bed at 10:30 p.m., kiss at 9:30 p.m. This is your best shot at getting a real kiss and a sincere goodbye — not the birdseed peck you get after the lights go dim.
Whenever leaving the house, I tell my wife, “I love you,” because it may be the last time we see each other. Pick up any newspaper, and you’ll read about someone who never made it back. Maybe, every time you go to the loo, you should consider saying, “I love you.” Here’s a short list of those who kicked off in the loo: Elvis, Whitney Houston, Judy Garland, John Ritter, Jim Morrison, and King George II. If you are not severely constipated or on illegal drugs, then you have a better-than-average shot at returning to your day; the “I love you” is optional.
I think saying “I love you” when you arrive back home is just as important. You may be wondering whether these frequent expressions of affection are excessive. I don’t think so. When I walk into my small but beautiful home, it is so neat and clean. My socks are perfectly balled and placed in the sock drawer. The refrigerator is stocked with things I love and did not buy.
How in the world can I not tell the person who did all these things for me that I love them and miss them? How, when I know how I used to live before they entered my life.
So, when you walk out of the house and are lucky enough to return safely, remember how blessed you are to have someone there to say, “I love you.” Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to enjoy these Bubbies Pickles my wife picked up when I left for my last trip.
P.S. I exclude the housekeeper and the dog from the “I love you.” The dog doesn’t care, and I’m not famous enough to one day marry my housekeeper.
Mark Schiff is a comedian, actor and writer and hosts, along with Danny Lobell, the “We Think It’s Funny” podcast. His new book is “Why Not? Lessons on Comedy, Courage and Chutzpah.”
