Dear Mr. and Mrs. Tam,
Greetings on behalf of Harakat al-Muqāwama al-Islāmiyya, or the “Islamic Resistance Movement.” In your cursed America, you might know us as Hamas.
We are writing to you because presently, it would be, as you Americans say, a big “no-no” for us to engage in direct correspondence with your daughter [INSERT DUPED INFIDEL NAME HERE], given her commendable activism on behalf of us rapists fighters in Gaza.
Your illegitimate government has classified us as a terrorist organization when all we did was protect thousands of Palestinian babies who were born in hospitals by providing each facility with its own supply of rockets and long-range missiles. How is protecting babies by enabling them to be born in hospitals containing rockets and armed fighters a valid reason to classify us as terrorists?
On a happier note, allow us to congratulate you and [INSERT DUPED INFIDEL NAME HERE] on another year of hard work, long hours at the library and irreversible indoctrination against her own country, as well as the Zionist entity, and you know who (it starts with a “J” and ends with two more letters that help spell the apt word, “Eww”).
Speaking of libraries, you should be especially proud of [INSERT DUPED INFIDEL NAME HERE]. We heard that she chained herself not once, but twice to the doors of the biggest campus library. We hope you informed her that despite millennia of Chinese ancestry, she (and you) are actually native to the land that you know who claim is theirs. Did you know that there were ancient Chinese settlements in Palestine dating back thousands of years? Doesn’t it sound true?
By any chance, is your daughter interested in spending the summer in Gaza as a Hamas concubine, brutalized servant or a documentarian for the BBC? Please let us know. We are in the process of applying for nonprofit status in the United Kingdom and can therefore only offer nonprofit rates, but we are able to offer her 3 shekels, 2 USD or 3 Jordanian dinars per hour (please don’t look up current currency rates). With the recession you are about to have, we think those rates are fair.
By any chance, is your daughter interested in spending the summer in Gaza as a Hamas concubine, brutalized servant, or a documentarian for the BBC? Please let us know.
Wishing you a prosperous summer, one that is hopefully not too hot (we understand that one of your wise congresswomen has exposed the fact that you know who is behind the weather, and climate change in general).
All our best,
Khalil and a second unnamed individual from Hamas
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Jimenez,
Due to certain unjust decisions by your government that have classified us as an overseas terrorist organization, we feel it is better to write to you, rather than to your son, [INSERT DUPED INFIDEL NAME HERE], to thank him for everything he has done for our modest little group of impassioned young men in Palestine who are fighting for oppressed people everywhere, especially women and LGBTQWhatever.
Could you have imagined that the same child who was once a happy little boy riding his tricycle in the park would grow up to punch a campus security officer, violently tear down an American flag on the quad, trample it with his $3,900 Air Jordans, and replace it with our own glorious Palestinian flag, and then physically block many revolting Zionists from accessing campus spaces?
Indeed, we are so proud of [INSERT DUPED INFIDEL NAME HERE] for doing our bidding advocating for our cause with so little effort on our part. We always knew American students were special. They may not show as much potential as European, Canadian or Australian students, but give us (and Qatar) another five years or so and you will be amazed at their progress.
Wishing you an uneventful summer,
Your friends at Hamas
Dear Mr. Atkins,
First, please allow us to recognize all of your hard work and sacrifice as a single father. We, too, were rendered single fathers after accidentally forcing our wives (and a few of our children) to stand in front of us when the Zionist army was shooting at us in Gaza.
We are writing to recognize your son, [INSERT DUPED INFIDEL NAME HERE], for his outstanding leadership as co-president of the Palestinian x Marxist Students United on his campus. We know that his late mother served as an American servicewoman but allow us to assure you that she would have been undoubtedly thrilled to have known that her son has grown up into such a courageous, America-hating, think-for-yourself Marxist.
And though, as a result of his Marxism, your godless son is anathema to our entire existence, we know a good partnership when we see one, and we are still extending him (and you) an invitation to visit us in sunny Gaza sometime next spring. If you receive a similar invitation from Houthi leaders, given your son’s public devotion to them as well, perhaps we may persuade you to visit us first, seeing as how the Sana’a airport in Yemen is temporarily closed for renovations.
Please send our best regards to your son and also remind him to accept the collaboration invitation on Khaled’s last Instagram reel because it’s been over three weeks and our leadership’s existence is somewhat fragile at the moment.
Best,
Khaled and the entire team at Harakat al-Muqāwama al-Islāmiyya
To the Jew family in California named Shapiro,
Despite your loathsome existence, we nevertheless feel compelled to reach out to you to thank your daughter, [INSERT NAME OF HILARIOUS JEW WHO IS WORKING TOWARD HER OWN DEMISE HERE], for all of her tireless efforts since Oct. 8, 2023 in invalidating, erasing and distorting 3,300 years of her family history in less time than it takes to fry a batch of fresh falafel (that’s our food and you stole it).
To be clear, we are not recognizing that your family lineage has existed for 3,300 years or that your ancestors have any valid claims to our land, a land we love so much that we set it on fire earlier this month. We are simply saying that if your people even existed for that long, your ancestors would be very proud of your daughter for invalidating their entire lives and millennia of dreams, as well as their suffering.
Hamas is well-known for its inclusivity, and that includes victims people like your daughter. If she has any other friends from Jew families, we could really use more faces (and names) like hers in front of the camera, at colleges or on the street. We are also happy to help erase any lingering connections she may have with relatives who keep filling her head with lies about her family history. In fact, if you are interested, would you like to send her grandmother to Gaza next month and we will take care of your elderly loved one for you? Hamas has an excellent track record when it comes to our treatment of elderly Zionists.
Let us know before Rosh Hashanah. We’re always so busy around that time of year.
May you burn in eternity, but your daughter be cloned efficiently.
From,
Hamas
Author’s note: Shortly after sending these letters, Hamas realized that its head receptionist had neglected to delete the strikethroughs, or to personalize each letter by writing the student’s exact name. As punishment, the writer responsible for the publicly embarrassing mistake will be forced to walk through a Canadian university unarmed and draped in not one, but several Israeli flags around his back.
Tabby Refael is an award-winning writer, speaker and weekly columnist for The Jewish Journal of Greater Los Angeles. Follow her on X and Instagram @TabbyRefael.
More news and opinions than at a Shabbat dinner, right in your inbox.