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Satirical Semite: A Republican-Democrat Love Story

My friend Jonny 8-Vax is in trouble. He avoided getting COVID due to his eight vaccines, but succumbed to something far worse. Jonny fell in love with a Democrat.
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March 31, 2022
Photo from Getty Images

My friend Jonny 8-Vax is in trouble. He avoided getting COVID due to his eight vaccines, but succumbed to something far worse. Jonny fell in love with a Democrat.

After a contact-high from visiting the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library in Simi Valley, and an endorphin rush from attending a Trump rally in Texas, he accidentally left his echo chamber and met a gorgeous Texan blonde who resembled Ivanka Trump and introduced herself as @chelsearodham. Jonny was seduced by her red lipstick, which was painted over her face with #MAGA written on both cheeks. She admitted to being a liberal Jewish actress from West Hollywood researching a role for “Hillary: The Musical” at the forthcoming Hollywood Fringe Festival. Jonny loved the red paint but ignored the red flag. They bonded during a Young Republicans talent show where he dressed as Elvis and sang “The Real King Lives in Mar-a-Largo.”

It’s complicated. He’s in favor of vaccines but against mandates, while she’s in favor of vaccines and supports mandates. Some couples get matching tattoos, but on their second date they got matching booster shots.

Some couples get matching tattoos, but on their second date they got matching booster shots.

“The thing is,” said Chelsea, “I’m fed up with only having the choice to vote for old white men. I want diversity.” “You’ve got Kamala,” he replied. “Which is more important, someone’s gender and the color of their skin, or someone who will be an incredible leader to run America?” Jonny then offered her another vaccine with a vax card that stated “TDS, Dose 1.” “What’s TDS?” she asked. “Trump Derangement Syndrome!” he said. “You are now protected against the liberal virus. There has been a high infection rate in Los Angeles.”

She slapped him, put on an “I’m still with her” button, and flew home to Austin, Texas. Jonny then visited the Reagan Presidential Library’s gift shop, bought 200 vintage “Reagan Bush ‘84” campaign bumper stickers, and spent the night sticking them on cars around West Hollywood. 

Heartbroken, Chelsea tore up a photo they’d taken at the rally alongside a Trump cutout, with the inscription “I’m with him.” 

In search of a new girlfriend, Jonny headed to the “free state of Florida” where the strongman Republican governor Ron DeSantis had told high school students “you do not have to wear those masks. I mean, please take them off…we’ve gotta stop with this COVID theater. So if you want to wear it, fine, but this is ridiculous.” These were the words of a dictator who imposes dictates upon young minds by insisting they have free choice. As Chelsea once said, “he’s basically Putin.”

Jonny wanted to edit a loving video montage to send her but is still awaiting the delivery of his new Macbook Pro, which will take three months to arrive since Apple’s manufacturing plant is in China, and there is both a supply chain slowdown and a silicon shortage. 

Nevertheless, Jonny was still heartbroken for Chelsea, traveled to Florida, and drowned his sorrows at a bar near Mar-a-Lago. Unfortunately, since central Florida is a land of golf courses and hip replacements, the only available drinking spot was at the Boca Raton JCC, which contained 300 Jewish grandmothers playing Mah-Jong. On the upside, he left with the telephone numbers of their 300 granddaughters. 

Jonny’s next stop was Shabbat in Miami with the hope of sitting next to Jared in shul and meeting Ivanka at the kiddush table. His heart leapt when he saw the ultimate Jewish blonde facing in the other direction, and he said “Shabbat Shalom!” but when she turned around, he saw that it was Chelsea. “Shabbat Shalom, cowboy. I thought you’d never find me.” They hugged, kissed and got thrown out of shul for immodest behavior. 

They danced salsa at a bar in Miami beach, did “Scarface” impressions, and booked tickets for a romantic getaway to Toronto to show solidarity with Canadian truckers. One thing they can agree on is that right now, everyone dislikes Justin Trudeau. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.


Marcus J Freed is an actor, filmmaker and Jewish educator. www.marcusjfreed.com and on social @marcusjfreed.

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