TMI Nurse Health Educator, “Brought To You By The Letter Pee”

Today, my catheter came out! Normal people don’t post these types of things, but given how many of you have been kind enough to check up on me recently, and are well aware of the major issues the catheter was causing, it would be crazy for me NOT to update you. So what better way for this TMI Nurse to update you than to have his wife Adi take the most adorable photo and video you you’ll ever find on the subject of urination. (Eat your heart out, R Kelly!)

Today I had 3 crucial follow-up appointments, but FIRST at 6am I had to take out my OWN catheter. I found out the easiest way is by taking a pair of scissors and just cutting the anchoring tube. For those of you who are not in healthcare, the way a catheter STAYS in your bladder without slipping out is that once inserted, we flush a secondary tube with saline, thus filling up a small balloon in your bladder. This is literally an anchor that makes it impossible for it to just slip out when you walk. Though sadly I HAVE seen confused patients in the hospital pull it out anyway, and you can imagine how terrible that can be on their bladder and urethra.

Anyway, to remove it you generally take an empty syringe and withdraw the saline, thus removing the anchor; and then you pull it out or it just slips out with gravity. Well again, I was informed that at home the easiest way is to just cut that tube, and the saline spills out, and it’s the same difference.

So, I was instructed that at 6am today I should remove my own catheter. Adi woke up with me and looked away as I cut the balloon, and pulled it out. OUCH. But then a minute later… I could move without backflow. My limited movements didn’t have to be even MORE limited. SWEET RELIEF!!!

I went back to sleep for 2 hours and it was the best 2 hours I’ve ever slept. It was the first time since my surgery that I managed to actually sleep for over an hour at a time due to the damn catheter. As the iconic Joni Mitchell sang, “Don’t it always seem to go, that you don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone”. Damn right Joni, she was clearly always describing how you don’t know how good NOT having a catheter feels until you sleep in one for 5 nights and have it removed. She’s a prophet.

Anyway, I could have slept another 12 hours, but we had all 3 of my follow-up appointments to prioritize. So I did the zombie-walk out of bed, and…let’s test if I could pee. The good news was that I was able to right away for the first time since surgery; the bad news was that IT HURT LIKE CRAZY. I was ready for it to sting, and that was annoying but nothing terrible, but I didn’t realize my bladder upon completion would SPASM for a minute, it’s what I can only predict it feels like to be tasered in the groin (except I’m sure it doesn’t and I’m just making an idiotic comparison). I can also TMI tell you that now that my penis finally doesn’t have a “16 French” Foley Catheter all the way through it, it feels like it’s gone 12 Rounds with Mike Tyson, and needs a quiet weekend away to recuperate. #neveragain

So off we went, Adi taking me to 3 important doctor follow-ups:

1. Dr. Jennifer Linehan, urologist. Extremely empathetic that I’ve had all of these unexpected urinary issues, incredibly in touch with me every step of the way; even when she was giving a lecture in Vegas the day I had to go the ER, she was messaging me and the on-call doctors. We talked, and I’m on Pyridium for the stinging pee, which most nurses know well because it’s the medication that “makes your pee turn orange”. As in highlighter orange, or Tang, or orange soda. It looks crazy unnatural, but that’s just what Pyridium does; so I was prepared. And Oxybutynin, a bladder relaxant that should help get rid of the crazy bladder of mine that’s literally spastic right now. But the GREAT news is that they scanned my bladder and I wasn’t retaining anymore, so NO MORE CATHETER. And the pain will go away so this should all be temporary.
2. Dr. Gerald Sacks, pain management. This was actually also while sitting in the urologist’s office, because it was a tele-visit on my phone. We caught up about all of the fun travails I’ve had this past week, adjustments to meds, and he made sure everything was safe and appropriate for me. Essentially he’s the brilliant mind who sees your 20 different meds and ensures they aren’t interacting badly with each other and you aren’t overdoing/overdosing yourself. So that’s helpful. We’ll (tele)meet again in a week.
3. Dr. Brian R Gantwerker, my awesome neurosurgeon, who messages me here and there conscientiously just to check up on me. We discussed my terrible ER visit where I had no back support for about 7 hours, causing all of these other issues with nerve pain down my limbs stemming from my neck/upper back. And I reminded him that having the catheter caused terrible body mechanics and a lack of sleep. After his thorough exam, here are the main takeaways:

-I’m getting an MRI of my upper back/cervical spine next week and continuing my massive medication regimen until then.

-GREAT news: I’m finally allowed to shower tomorrow (aka sit in a shower chair). I have not showered since February 6th, the day before surgery. I can’t imagine I’ve EVER gone this long in my life, and I can’t wait! But I will wait. Until tomorrow. #goals

-He also adjusted my walker and changed how I was walking with it. I’m generally able to get around the house without it (as you can see in the video), but I use the cane for stairs and the walker for going more than a few steps.

-He tells me it’s obvious that my post-op ileus in my stomach is vastly improving. Awesome. But my insane bowel regimen continues, because I still can’t strain. So I basically have to induce diarrhea on a daily basis to avoid constipation. Graphic enough for ya? But again, awesome to see improvement.

Listen, I have different types of pains in my neck, arms, legs, upper back, lower back, stomach, and bladder and penis. Yes. But all of it will get better, and today I’m not focusing on the pains I have, but rather the one that’s finally gone.

And until then, let me just mention that Adi went into this thinking “I’ve got this and don’t need a meal train”. But even supermoms/superwives need to know their limitations. And me not only unable to help but needing my OWN help is a heck of a lot. Me with setbacks only made it tougher. So the meal train Joanne Helperin created has dates added, and here’s the link if you’re up to visiting us, or sending some random GrubHub guy over to keep us company:

https://www.mealtrain.com/trains/5r0lvw/