I know the newborn kittens, living on my front porch
aren’t Jewish. But they are under my care, and I’m
having trouble telling their mother that as a result
of bringing these beauties into the world, that she
is unclean. I know the newborn kittens living on
my front porch, and their mother, aren’t human,
but I’m relying on our bond as fellow mammals
to help me through this instruction, that once you do
the holiest thing you can do, bring a life into the world
that you are somehow tainted…that you need to be
separated. That therefore choose life comes with
the fine print of Mikveh required.
Thank you, Torah, for giving me the comfort that if
Kaiser is one day closed when an unknown skin
condition surfaces on my body, that I can turn to you
for instructions on how to remove myself from society.
Thank you Torah, for the medical training you gave
the priestly class, so I can know just how long I
should be gone. Thank you Torah, for the reminder
of my circumcision. I’ve been trying to forget about it
for decades, but every year, already in verse three, you
bring up that particular covenant, and the enchsnippening
of my past displays on my internal screen like
YouTube clips of classic movies. I know they had color
in 1968, but as is the custom with nostalgia, this is in
glorious black and white. Couldn’t You, God Almighty,
with all Your supernatural technology, have created us
without the need to offer a tip, so soon in? And don’t think,
Torah, I missed your note on burning my clothing.
I’m kind of with you on this one. I’ve been considering
burning my pants since the mid-nineties. Hardly five
minutes of any conversation goes by without me
suggesting “Hey. Should we burn all our clothing?
Let’s start with our pants.” And hello, reader, I know
you’re there. Are you having trouble with all of this?
My separation anxiety assessment? Me too!
I embrace the concept of the one tent, and when the
instructions say some people can’t be in the tent
my inclusive feathers get ruffled.
I’m going to give this a break and head to the front porch.
I want to be showered in newborn kittens.
Nothing would make me feel cleaner.
