Satire Alert: George Washington’s Passover Advice to the Hebrews

President George Washington famously wrote a letter to the Jewish Congregation of Newport, Rhode Island, in which he told “the children of the stock of Abraham” that he fervently wished that, in America, “everyone shall sit in safety under his own vine and fig tree.” Yet few appreciate that he subsequently visited several times, enjoyed learning about this ancient faith (indeed, his aide-de-camp, Alexander Hamilton, was probably Jewish) and even attended a Passover Seder.

As we approach the Passover holiday, during this 250th birth year of the United States, we share excerpts from Washington’s private reflections on adapting this Jewish holiday to post-Revolutionary America.

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Passover, which the Hebrews also call “Pesach” (pronounced with a significant output of phlegm: “peh-saaacccchhh”) is their Holy Day that celebrates freedom. The centerpiece is a festive meal called a “Seder,” directed by a booklet called a “Haggadah.” Oddly, the Haggadah barely mentions the hero of this celebration, the Biblical Moses. If we substituted a Patriotic hero – myself? – and coupled the festive meal with something more American – furniture sales? – it could go big in the United States. And I mean John Hancock’s signature big …

At the Seder the Hebrews eat “matzah” and “matzah balls,” but no one explained to me what a “matzah” is, nor how many must be slaughtered to have enough balls. (Does this have anything to do with their barbaric rite of “circumcision,” the mere thought of which curdles my stomach?) (As the Hebrews say, Oy gevalt!)…

The Passover tradition requires the drinking of four cups of wine. They do not specify Madeira, but I believe this would make the Founding Fathers (and our nascent wine and spirits industry) excited about this festival. It would also make our Founding Oenophile, Long Tom Jefferson, ecstatic. (“Sage of Monticello,” my buttocks! The only “Sage” he knows is the spice he puts in his Limoncello.) …

The Seder includes a passage called the “Four Questions” (though I heard only one). At first I thought this question was written by old “Silence Dogood” Franklin (may his memory be a blessing), asking why his kite was different from all other kites. (I hypothesized that the answer had something to do with his “electrical fire.”) Then I realized the question was, not of kites, but rather why this “night” differed from all other “nights.” The answer had something to do with matzah (again), but not those savory balls …

They recite a passage about “Four Sons” – could we not refer to them as the “Four Sons of Liberty”? (N.B. Four wines, four questions, four sons – what inexplicable numerology explains this Hebraic fixation with the number four? TBD.) Each of these four sons asks a question, yet surprisingly they are different from the “Four Questions” mentioned above – thereby missing an opportunity to shorten this exceedingly long ritual. I could fix that; but if the Hebrews want questions, I have multitudes. For example:

• Gefilte fish: Are these freshwater or salt? Should one fly-catch or use live bait?

• “Kosher”: Are these bona fide dietary prohibitions (true Biblical commandments) or something invoked on the fly to avoid foods they don’t like (so really an inside joke to play on us goyim)?

• Matzah meal and matzah farfel: Are these truly foodstuffs? They seem more suitable as gravel or buckshot. (Perhaps they would be useful in rebuilding Forts Clinton and Montgomery.)

• And this “matzah brei”? No clue. Surely nothing I would expect to find in Martha’s kitchen.

One of the Hebrews asked me why our Constitution spoke about a “more perfect onion.” I had to explain that it is union, not onion. I noted that, because we Founding Fathers were concerned with the direction of the Country, had we mentioned a plant, it would have been a route vegetable. Boom. (And some people say I have no sense of humor.) (Then again, no one laughed. Maybe it doesn’t translate well into Yiddish.) …

Another Seder segment recites the “Ten Plagues” the Hebrew God inflicted on the Egyptians: blood, frogs, vermin, et al. I suggested that, for brevity and consistency, they needed only Four Plagues, which should be relevant to the inhabitants of this Country, such as:

• Benedict Arnold: May he grow like an onion with his head in the ground!

• The Adams Family: They may be devoted to the nation; but we could all use less of cranky old John (the alter kaker!), precocious young John Quincy (that little vants), and pushy Abigail (and her constant nattering about women’s rights).

• The Delaware River: Always in the way! If I had a Continental for every time I had to pose “crossing the Delaware,” head held high, so that Leutze or some other artist could draw my image for the evening papers, I could start a National Bank.

• Pithy Quotes: Each new articulate expression of a patriotic sentiment imposes an untold burden on subsequent speakers. Regretting that one has “but one life to lose for my country;” opining that “we must all hang together, or assuredly we shall all hang separately;” cautioning “Don’t fire until you see the whites of their eyes” … Enough already! To paraphrase Patrick Henry, “Give me simplicity, or give me death.” Or, as I like to say: Don’t be quotable, be quotidian. (And some people say I have no sense of humor.)

Their Seder ends with the fervent wish for the Jews to return to the Hebrew homeland of Israel: “Next year in Jerusalem,” they chant. I resisted telling them, but as I like to say, man plans and God laughs. Boom.

Howard Zaharoff is the author of “Stump Your Lawyer!” (Chronicle 2007), as well as short humor and parodies that have appeared in many publications.