In this edition of my mostly useful advice column, I answer reader questions about those lovable, inimitable men known as fathers. We often know less about their dreams, struggles and sacrifices. That’s why each Father’s Day, I am reminded of actor Ryan Reynolds’ 2016 reflections about fatherhood: “On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting daddy’s freedom.” If you have a question for me, please email deartabby@jewishjournal.com.
Dear Tabby,
What do fathers really want on Father’s Day?
Thanks,
Lauren
Dear Lauren,
I’ve always believed that on Father’s Day, dads whose kids still live with them want nothing more than a few meaningful hours with their children (and spouse), and at least two glorious hours alone, doing whatever they want. On Father’s Day, give him the gift of being able to relive just one or two hours of his bachelorhood. I’m specifically referring to eating whatever he wants on the couch while binging on a streaming show.
He gave you 100% of himself as your father. Your social media feeds, online errands and emails can wait.
Regarding your own father, give him time. Give him as much time with you as possible. If you’re seeing him in person, put away your phone, unless you’re taking photos with him or asking him about his life and recording his answers. If you’re speaking on the phone, stop scrolling. Give him 100% of your attention. He gave you 100% of himself as your father. Your social media feeds, online errands and emails can wait.
Dear Tabby,
What’s your favorite dad joke?
Yours truly,
Liora
Dear Liora,
My favorite dad joke is the one my father has been telling since the late 1980s: “Why did Hungary invade another country? Because it was Hungary and wanted Turkey.”
Dear Tabby,
It feels like every day my husband gets to watch TV or take a nap whenever he wants, without disruption. He’s excused from bedtime because both kids, including our newborn, need me, apparently. When I asked my daughter why she doesn’t wake her dad up when she needs something (when I’m also very much asleep), she said, “because Dad is sleeping.” How, then, can I make Father’s Day special when he already gets everything I could ever wish for, every day of the year?
Thanks,
I’d Kill for a Nap
Dear Nap-Deprived,
First, please know that you’re not alone. I know many fathers of young children who, whether intentionally or unintentionally, need to fulfill more parental responsibilities. And in my experience, there are two types of fathers of newborns: those who lose as much sleep as their partner, and amazingly, those who seem to enjoy more sleep once the baby arrives.
I believe every person is capable of selective ineptitude, which allows us to be right on time (or even early) to work meetings or plans with friends, but no-shows or half-present at home. I also believe that over time, women can often enable men to believe they’re “off the hook” regarding various tasks.
You won’t make headway by repeatedly telling your young daughter that she can also wake up your husband. I believe the only person she will listen to is her father. And that means you will need to sit down with your husband and gently lay it all out on the table. Then ask him to explain to your daughter that he will also be there to put her back to bed. Let her hear it from him. And let him hear it from himself.
But do me a favor: Wait until Father’s Day is over to have a respectful conversation with him. And don’t devote your entire Sunday to Father’s Day. You have a newborn. Disregard my response above about what fathers really want on Father’s Day, because it doesn’t apply to families with newborns, or the perpetually sleep-deprived. In your case, muster the energy to make him some dad’s day toast and eggs, “interview” your daughter about her father and write down her answers (your husband will cherish this “card”), then resume your day as usual. I know you’ll do more for him on future Father’s Days, once you’re out of survival mode.
Happy Father’s Day to dads everywhere.
Tabby Refael is an award-winning writer, speaker and weekly columnist for the Jewish Journal.
