Why Can’t We Be Friends?

Some years before the Covid pandemic, my husband and I attended the wedding of the daughter of good friends.  We were seated near a Jewish couple from another state and the wife mentioned they were planning a move. When I asked where, the response surprised me: “Not sure yet but definitely somewhere blue.”  Back then, the idea that the political demographics of a given location would be the primary criterion for relocation surprised me. Today, not so much given that political alignment is the driving factor in way too many friendships.

I have thought back to this conversation often over the last four years as I have been writing my latest book about American Jewish polarization. Recently, I decided to take a closer look at my own circle of friends. Although many are Jewish and religiously liberal (meaning, not Orthodox), they span the political spectrum. For a few of my lifelong friends, our bond is primarily about a long history of connectivity and being close to people who knew my parents. For others, it is largely about a mutual interest in a particular activity, interest or a shared set of professional or personal goals. It is also true that many of my current friends are part of my synagogue community, which thankfully is one where the rabbis intentionally downplay politics and elevate Jewish tradition.

As I contemplated these friendships, I realized that most relationships can be analyzed in terms of four factors: interpersonal history, contact, community and commonality. In my experience, lasting friendships formed decades ago can often withstand the test of time, and even physical absence, if some points of contact and strong commonalities exist.

What worries me about the present moment is the seemingly growing need for people to surround themselves only with politically like-minded friends. What does it say about a person if the totality of their interests – and therefore their ability to connect with other humans – is defined solely in terms of politics?  In her fascinating book “Last Branch Standing,” Sarah Isgur notes how the Supreme Court Justices dine together after every oral argument, during which times discussing work is prohibited. As a result, they get to know one another on a completely different level– as people with other strong areas of interest and passions. As a case in point, it is widely known that Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Antonin Scalia were dear friends and shared a passion for opera even if they differed markedly in their respective politics.

I do believe that reducing polarization and the toxicity of our discourse is possible, particularly in the American Jewish community. But we need to be especially mindful of setting a better example for the next generation. Over the years, I have taught many classes on Jewish parenting, which usually focused on how to transmit Jewish tradition in a way that can work for religiously liberal families.  But now more than ever, we also need to emphasize the importance of being open-minded when it comes to embracing friends from a wider spectrum of political beliefs. In connection with religiously liberal Jews, for example, this spectrum includes more politically conservative Orthodox Jews as well as Christians raised in conservative homes who warmly embrace Israel.

If we want to see a less polarized society, both internally and beyond, we must emphatically reject the idea that political alignment is the predominant commonality for friendship. People who surround themselves with like-minded folks also are more vulnerable to developing even more extreme views in their echo chambers. It is already the case that younger Jews are increasingly embracing a political stance that is hostile to Israel. Based on a survey of 800 Jewish adults in the spring of 2026 conducted by the Jewish Resource Center, half of non-Orthodox Jews under the age of 35 support a binational state.

Given that Jews represent a sliver of the American population, we can only do so much to impact positively the larger American discourse. But we can reduce the toxicity of our internal discourse. A great starting point is emphasizing the importance of commonalities other than politics in our personal relationships. When friendships are built largely around nonpolarizing mutual interests, friends are far more likely to listen to one another when controversial topics arise.

Roberta Rosenthal Kwall is a law professor, author and Jewish educator with a focus on American Judaism. Her latest book is “Polarized: Why American Jews are Divided and What to do About It” (October, 2026, Bloomsbury Press).