Dating coach Devorah Kigel has bad news and good news for single Jewish women. First the bad news: There is no Mr. Perfect. You’ll never reform that irresistible “bad boy” who’s on track to break your heart. And even if you love big projects, marrying a man you plan to remodel is sure to backfire.
Fortunately, the good news outweighs the bad, as Kigel writes in her new book, “Marry a Mensch: Timeless Jewish Wisdom for Today’s Single Woman.” Having coached close to 310 women who eventually walked down the aisle, Kigel touts what she believes is a smarter way of dating, one that weeds out the unserious, the unsuitable, and the unstable. This framework also reduces anxiety while boosting clarity.
As a first step to finding Mr. Mensch, Kigel advises that women take time to carefully define their values, separating their list of fantasy wants (hunky, tanned Israeli with a killer smile) from their nonnegotiable must-haves (intelligent, calm during a crisis). It’s also important to identify the negative nonnegotiables, the things you know you cannot tolerate (miserliness, impulsiveness, anger). She “doesn’t allow” clients to include physical traits on their non-negotiable list, because with women, attraction often grows in response to emotional connection. “And,” she writes, “it’s much easier to fix muscles than middos” (character traits).
Kigel spent many frustrating years dating in the secular world, wondering why no guy ever turned out to be “the one.” While studying in Israel, she tried dating according to religious standards, dressing more discreetly and focusing dates around discussions of religious values and life goals. Unfortunately, by that time she was so “jaded, cynical, and discouraged” that she agreed to marry someone with whom she felt no chemistry. A rabbi advised her to break it off, and three months later, still despairing over her single state, her future husband sauntered over to introduce himself in a shul on the Upper West Side of Manhattan.
About half of her clients are not religiously observant, but are increasingly open to adopting traditional Jewish dating practices, including holding back on intimacy until marriage. Women tend to feel stronger emotional attachments to men they sleep with, and this can cloud their thinking about whether the relationship makes sense overall. As our grandmothers may have warned, when a woman “acts like a wife and not a girlfriend,” the man has little incentive to propose. Kigel has seen many women endure cycles of heartbreak from investing so much of themselves this way, and it often leads to their building emotional defense mechanisms and becoming cynical.
Kigel asserts that when women claim a physical boundary (which will differ among women), it “empowers them to take back their feminine energy and hold themselves and their dates to higher standards.” While most nonreligious men will walk when they hear this, Kigel says, “You only need one. If a man can’t see you as a high-value woman and respect your boundaries, goodbye.”
To avoid sending mixed messages, she makes the case for what she calls “image integrity.” Dressing like a party girl gives a very different vibe than dressing more discreetly, like the difference between showing up for an interview as a bar hostess versus for a corporate leadership position. Roughly half her clients are not religious, and frequently are willing to try this new way of dating as a way to be both proactive and breathe new life in a moribund process.
She’s also got plenty of advice on dating “don’ts,” including: Dating guys who aren’t serious about marriage; giving up too fast on guys who seem solid and nice but aren’t exciting (yet); having unrealistic expectations; expecting fireworks right away; or requiring a guy to look a certain way. Also on the don’t list: Dating dysfunction because it feels familiar; falling into the trap of waiting for something better to come along; and ignoring a gut feeling that something important is off.
Kigel writes in a breezy, chatty, “hey there, girlfriend” style, yet each short chapter packs in a lot of common-sense wisdom. Toward the end of the book, she contrasts the classic Hollywood romance template where people “fall” in love — it just happens, you can’t help it — with Judaism’s belief that we step consciously into a relationship. Chemistry and attraction are vital, but allowing those sensations to be the leading indicators in a new relationship can spell trouble.
The Jewish emphasis in marriage is on giving more than receiving, but the more we give, the more we love. Without negating themselves, man and woman have the potential to complete one another, “where one plus one equals one.” Sharing foundational goals, such as infusing one’s home life with Jewish values, also builds emotional intimacy.
The advice in this compact, highly readable book follows one of the author’s tag lines: “Lead with your head and bring your heart and hormones along after.” She acknowledges the painful truth that the numbers are skewed in favor of men, and that after dating so many “frogs,” exhaustion can set in. “Many women get to a point where they expect every date to be DOA,” she said. “However, the number one characteristic I’ve seen among my clients who get married is maintaining hope, optimism, and faith. They may need to take a break, do some self-care, but then are ready to get back in the game, being open to the possibility that this time could be different. I know that Hashem is in charge of each person’s life, and I see miracles every day with my clients.”
The advice in this compact, highly readable book follows one of the author’s tag lines: “Lead with your head and bring your heart and hormones along after.”
To contact Devorah, go to devorahkigel.com or find her on You Tube or Facebook.
Judy Gruen is the author of “Bylines and Blessings,” “The Skeptic and the Rabbi,” and several other books. She is also a book editor and writing coach.
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