Last April, Rabbi Joel Rembaum lost Fredi, his wife of 61 years, to cancer. How does one recover? “There’s no secret, no single answer,” the retired longtime leader of Temple Beth Am said. “Relationships take different forms, operate differently, according to individuals’ own characteristics.
“It’s hard,” the rabbi said. “I can talk about elements that helped me. But that doesn’t mean it will work for others.” In a soft voice, he explained, “we are talking about a real long marriage. One can assume with a long marriage that a relationship was very powerful. Otherwise, it doesn’t last that long.”
Rabbi Rembaum began this way “because people start drawing conclusions,” and he doesn’t pretend to speak for anyone. “We should be careful not to say ‘Here are the secrets for everybody.’ Having been a congregational rabbi for many decades, you learn. Beyond myself, I have learned that many times when I meet with families before a funeral, and we would talk about the deceased, I would ask them to tell stories. I say to family members, ‘Remind yourself of times, of stories.’”
In such circumstances, people begin to open up, to remember stories, the rabbi said. “One will say ‘Oh, I forgot about that.’ The wonderful, the memorable things. That process of dialogue. In the end people are thankful for that because it reminds them of something they may have forgotten. And they were able to share memories. This cushions the shock of the loss. That is one good thing that this process brings out.”
“I would say, basically, that is what happened to us as a family,” the rabbi noted. “And with Fredi as an individual, the key thing here is, we are moving beyond the family. Fredi was a community person. She served the Jewish community in different ways for decades.” She worked for the Jewish Federation and she worked for Hebrew Union College. “These were long commitments. In both instances, she did amazing things. She worked with and she touched the lives of all different kinds of people. And they remembered these things.”
Rabbi Rembaum remembered the moment when their lives changed. “What happened was, when we heard of the cancer, it was out of the blue. It was a form of cancer that is very rare. It leaves few traces when it is developing. By the time Fredi had it, it was stage four. Liver cancer. We suddenly realized that we needed to be very careful.” This was late August, early September last year. “We realized we can’t shout to the whole world ‘Fredi has cancer’ because it would totally overwhelm us,” the rabbi said. “In the beginning, we kept it in the family. The circle of knowledge began to open up. It spread to the point Fredi said, ‘We need to organize this.’
“Turns out a dear friend of ours – the now-retired Miriam Prum Hess of the Bureau of Jewish Education – (along with Miriam Heller Stern of the Bureau) were uncommonly helpful. Prum Hess said, ‘Let me be your intermediary. I will organize this for you.’”
After Fredi Rembaum was diagnosed last year, “it happened that a lot of different people were able to come to the house and meet and call on the phone. Gradually, more people found out about it. By the time things began to turn, the amount of interaction Fredi had with people and people with her – and I am witness to all of this stuff – I am suddenly seeing the image of Fredi I had – a super one – of our children and grandchildren, the Federation from years ago and, more recently, from Hebrew Union College – the point is, she was a person who was able to move things along in a manner that people respected. That was one of Fredi’s big secrets. In terms of dealing with people, she was expert from a young age. Fredi was president of the student body in the eighth grade.
“We also had the years we were in Germany from 2015 to 2020 for five or six months a year, where I was teaching rabbinical students. She got involved on a volunteer basis to be a mentor to the administrator and assistant administrator. She was deeply involved in the process while the Ziegler School here [the University of Judaism] was, too. All of these people were touched by her – our own personal friends here and elsewhere.
“I was witnessing, verifying, my own image of her. It was unbelievable. Our relationship was beautiful because, basically, we were on the same page all of the time. We were on the same page all along. From the beginning. Literally, even before we were married. Even during those years of our growing together, we had to start making decisions of great significance.
“Life-shaping experiences develop over a long period of time. We were on the same page constantly from the beginning. We shared our perspective on how to shape our lives – as Jews, as people, as parents and about children. All of these decisions. It was not a case of one imposing on the other. It always was a consensus.”
What were the most important commonalities you shared?
“Everything – job-related, family-related, housing-related. Changing jobs. We both made major changes.”
Fast Takes with Rabbi Rembaum
Jewish Journal: What was Fredi’s favorite meal?
Rabbi Rembaum: A complicated gourmet meal that she produces.
J.J.: Your favorite travel destination?
R.R.: One place on our bucket list – Israel. We loved going to Berlin, a great city. We loved to travel, to see the great trees up north. We just took a trip to the Northwest.
J.J.: Her favorite hobby?
R.R.: Baking sourdough bread.
