Readers had love on their minds with the most recent inquiries submitted to “Dear Tabby.” If you have a question you’d like answered in this mostly useful advice column, please email deartabby@jewishjournal.com.
Dear Tabby,
I have a friend who’s newly married in the last couple of years. She always asks me how dating is going and says things like, “imYH (Im Yiratz Hashem/G-d willing), soon by you” whenever we talk. How do I tell her it’s annoying and not so sensitive?
Thank you,
Soon By Me
Dear Soon,
I happen to know a thing or two about inserting such words almost obsessively and, at this point, robotically, into nearly every other utterance. I’ve been told that I sometimes utter “Bezrat H-shem” (“with G-d’s help”) in my sleep. Ironically, your friend may fear that she would be insensitive by not using these words. She probably wants you to experience the same happiness she may feel. It’s also probably a part of her vernacular. Although there is the possibility that she may also be using this language to neutralize and somehow diffuse any envy that she may fear on your part, whether it exists or not. I know that’s hard to hear. Either way, it’s not your problem. Your role is to simply make your friend’s habit smaller for yourself. Add the letters “imYH” to her name as a contact on your phone and the next time she calls, enjoy a little chuckle. Try to count how many times she says “imYH” in a conversation (and maybe take a shot of tequila each time). Have compassion for her in a way that frees you from the burden of her habit. I know others would tell you to stand up for yourself. But let’s face it: There’s simply no nice way to tell someone to stop giving you a blessing of “G-d-willing, soon for you”; you can try, but I anticipate it’ll be awkward. Worse, she may really believe you’re envious of her. Find something trivial in your life that your friend doesn’t have (the more trivial, the more you’ll laugh). The next time you speak with your friend, enthusiastically mention your joy over your new immersion blender and add, “imYH, next by you!” Maybe she’ll get the hint.
Dear Tabby,
I can never think of creative questions on a date. Do you have any creative question ideas to ask on a date? I feel like this is a good way to get a sense of the other person’s personality.
Thanks,
Just Asking
Dear “Asking,”
I’m so glad you asked. Conversations on dates have come a long way since the evening began with, “Are you on MySpace?” These days, given the rampant crime in many cities, dates often start with, “Did you see [on Citizen] that there was a robbery three blocks away?” I recommend starting a date by asking if the person prefers to carry pepper spray, a taser or a good, old-fashioned club with a heavy, metal ball and spikes at the end of it — the kind they used on dates in the medieval days.
When I was single, I liked to ask my victims … er … dates, about the day-to-day responsibilities of their jobs, what brought them joy, and their favorite movies and television shows. Feel free to ask your date about their favorite streaming series (and inquire if you can borrow their password from time to time). If they offer you their password, quickly grab your phone to jot it down (and check your Citizen app for more crime alerts). In general, stick to three topics that always prove successful on dates: politics, your mother and the shelf life of that diuretic your doctor prescribed last fall.
Tabby Refael is an award-winning, LA-based writer, speaker and weekly editorial columnist for the Jewish Journal of Greater Los Angeles.
