‘Please Tell My Parents to Get Off Their Phones’: What One Therapist Is Hearing from Jewish Teens

Last week, I wrote that we are possibly the first generation of Jews in history to know about Jewish suffering in real time. That probably explains why you, dear reader, and I had such a difficult time functioning after an innocent couple were recently murdered outside the Capital Jewish Museum.

If it is true that modern Jewry has never had so much access to real-time news about Jewish suffering, we owe it to our younger generations to ask how such unprecedented access is affecting them. 

One can only imagine how millions of Jewish youths around the world found out about the horrors of Oct. 7, 2023: alone in their rooms, scrolling their phones. As for their parents, many of us were undoubtedly falling apart, struggling to self-regulate.

I spoke with Devora Hecht, LCSW, a Los Angeles-based therapist who works with many Jewish youths, especially teenagers, to better understand the current state of our younger generation’s nervous system. Her observations were stark, sobering and, in one case, completely surprising, revealing the vulnerabilities of kids and teens and what they need from their parents. 

Since Oct. 7, Hecht has witnessed a palpable increase in “anxiety, depression, feelings of isolation and other psychosomatic symptoms” in both Jewish teens and adults. And when clients are experiencing such “trauma responses,” they want to speak with a therapist who enables them to feel safe. 

That is why, in the past 18 months, Hecht, who is an observant Jew, is increasingly treating secular Jews who were previously comfortable speaking with non-Jewish therapists. “The first concern they share is about [antisemitism after] Oct. 7,” she said. “There’s a fear of misalignment and how it impacts the therapeutic alliance, and their ability to share fears around Israel.”

As for Hecht’s teenage clients, they have “way too much information in the palm of their hands,” including access to horrific photos. Teens, she said, are also feeling lonely in how much their trauma is impacting them, including nightmares and difficulty concentrating in class. Hecht has seen a disturbing increase in “irritability, loneliness with depressive symptoms and wanting to retreat.” She believes that some teens can “bounce back” after being exposed to antisemitic news or images, while others are more sensitive. 

But here’s the bigger problem: according to Hecht, teens feel that they need to be on social media, and though their bodies and their instincts are alerting them to spend less time on their phones, they also feel embarrassed or isolated if they are the only ones among their peers to not be active on social media apps. Social media is addictive and, for many reasons, teens feel they must consume it. One local Jewish teen confirmed this worrisome trend when he anonymously told me, “Sometimes, I really want to put my phone down, but when I get a message, I have to check it. I don’t know how to stop.”

Hecht understands that inherently, the “traumatic content is also in a format teens want to keep looking at.” She reminded me that decades earlier, we were able to turn off the news on TV. Now, neither we nor our children can leave our phones. “Parents are consuming way too much as well,” lamented Hecht. “It’s a unique generation because for the first time, the parents have a phone addiction and are consuming social media.”

Incredibly, Hecht told me that her teen clients often make one request: “Please tell my parents to get off their phones.” That is why Hecht implores parents and caretakers to study their own relationship with technology, and pay closer attention to “your own ability to regulate before talking to your children.”

For both parents and children, Hecht recommends that we pay attention to how our bodies feel after we stop scrolling social media. Do we feel relieved? If so, that’s a big clue. And ensuring that children and teens have healthier relationships with phones begins with critical parental modeling (imagine a visibly phone-addicted father who scolds his children for spending too much time on their phones).

Lately, she has been treating many teens who are anxious about upcoming visits to Israel, or worried that their own Jewish families in America may be at risk. “If your children have fears and anxieties around what might happen to their family, support your child to have open dialogue with you, even if it’s gruesome,” advised Hecht. “They can talk to you about their worst fears or even draw a picture and get that support from you. If they have fears that they think will scare you and they hold it in, they will get trapped in their bodies and it will come out in nightmares, aggression, irritability, etc.”

In March, Hecht and her husband decided they would inform their elementary school-level child about the death of Shiri, Ariel and Kfir Bibas. Their son knew that the Bibas family was missing and wanted updates. But before Hecht and her husband could speak with him, their young son learned somehow that the Shiri, Ariel and Kfir family had died. 

“I felt anxious in my body about his reaction,” recalled Hecht. “But the way that he processed it surprised me. He expressed feelings and asked questions at his own pace, whenever he was ready. I was expecting water from a fire hydrant but instead received trickles. Since I wasn’t the one who told him I didn’t fully know what information he heard, and so I didn’t know what to expect.” Hecht’s children do not have iPads or access to TV without an adult.

While parents have more control over younger children, access to social media is “almost inevitable” for teens, according to Hecht. But in her years working as a therapist, Hecht knows that when the world seems chaotic and unsafe, “the only thing we can do is focus on our body.” She tells children that the body they have now is “the same body they will have at school, or when they hug a parent at night. We think with our brains, and we feel with our bodies, so we have to teach our brains to park away certain thoughts,” she said. 

Teens are the hardest youth to restrict when it comes to phone access, and Hecht suggests teaching them to notice their own reactions to stimuli, or as she calls it, “to be detectives for their own bodies” as they scan for signs of fear or anxiety. Children must know how to self-regulate and self-soothe. “Give them open doors to explore their fears and release them, so they’re not trapped in their subconscious,” implored Hecht. 

Parents can enforce rules that phones must be charged outside of bedrooms and should heed Hecht’s reminder that “rumination and unhealthy consumption often happens at night before falling asleep,” especially for teens.

For Hecht, it was impossible to speak with her young son about tragic news until she first learned to regulate herself. Only then was she able to master her own reactions and validate those of her child. She also reminded parents to be more careful about what they play on TV, their phones or even what they discuss with other adults in a car. “Kids hear everything,” she said. “Even when we think no one is listening.”

For more information on Devora Hecht, email Devora@devorahecht.com or visit devorahecht.com.

Tabby Refael is an award-winning writer, speaker and weekly columnist for The Jewish Journal of Greater Los Angeles. Follow her on X and Instagram @TabbyRefael.