How to Plan a Successful Anti-Israel Rally

The following is a work of satire.
February 21, 2024
Emilija Manevska/Getty Images

The following is a work of satire. Do not heed the advice offered here without previously confirming that you will enjoy “depending on the context” immunity while protesting at campuses, office buildings, schools, funerals, daycare facilities, hospitals and any spaces that are generally associated with goodwill and happiness, such as Manhattan’s Rockefeller Center or aboard a tropical cruise ship. 

Hosting a meaningful social gathering is quickly devolving into a lost art. Hosting a rage-filled social gathering that manages to fulfill the dual task of dehumanizing Jews while also finding any excuse not to condemn terrorism, is, however, anything but a fading practice; it is a blissful, energizing and ever-evolving experience. And now, there is a foolproof recipe to ensure its success. 

Today’s Israel detractors are building on the decades-long hard work of generations past, including founders of Palestinian terrorist organizations dating back to the 1960s, Soviet propaganda masters of the 1970s, Arab academics who, for some reason, left the glorious tranquility of the Middle East to found anti-Western, Middle Eastern Studies programs at American and European universities and, most lovably, every Iranian Ayatollah who has inspiringly squashed democracy since 1979. Those are some big shoes to fill. Fortunately, anti-Israel activists today have found a way to fill those metaphoric shoes with heavy rocks and hurl them at the proverbial heads of anyone who is accused of being complicit in genocide, or white (same thing). 

Hosting a meaningful anti-Israel protest that brings you and your friends together while also exasperating law enforcement and local Jewish communities is easier than ever, but it still requires some basic preparation. 

Location is Key

First, identify the location of the pogrom, I mean, the protest. Synagogues, congressional offices and Jewish community centers are a given, but think creatively: A children’s cancer hospital. Outside a funeral home. Or perhaps, in the waiting room of a local obstetrician’s office, while a Jewish couple awaits news of whether their fetus will require a circumcision or not. Be ready with your condemning flags and banners as they cheerfully wave goodbye to the doctor. What a powerful message you will be sending to Jewish couples about white colonization if your yellow Hezbollah flag is the first sight they see after leaving the ultrasound room and learning they are going to enable one more Jewish person to enter the world. And if you decide to protest outside a gender-reveal party for a Jewish family that is expecting, never untie their blue or pink helium balloons and release them into the air. It is very bad for the environment. 

Again, creativity is key as far as a proper location is concerned. Shut down freeways, even if it means that emergency vehicles won’t be able to drive through. Shut down airports, even if your grandmother is unable to arrive in time for her flight; she will simply have to wait a few more months to travel to Minnesota for that coronary bypass surgery.

Thoughtful Invitations

Next, prepare your invitations. Gone are the days when an invitation to a good, old-fashioned “Scare the Jews” festival, I mean, a pro-Palestinian protest, was distributed elegantly via paper invites and snail mail. 

Now, you may easily issue a city-wide “Day of Rage” or call to metaphoric arms within a few seconds, via WhatsApp or social media. Be sure to cross-pollinate publicity for your protest with as many local organizations as possible. If the City of Los Angeles is hosting a Lunar Festival, ask local officials if you may host an add-on event titled “Justice for Palestinians and Anyone but China’s Uyghurs, Because, Let’s Face It, They Don’t Really Matter, Right?”

Invest in Attendees

Impassioned volunteer attendees are key to any good demonstration, whether violent or not. But as we have recently learned, volunteer attendees are also expendable. Secure paid attendees while also paying careful attention to advertisements for recruitment. I suggest the following language for an ad recruiting paid attendees for an anti-Israel rally: “Wanted: Young, amateur actors or actresses who possess as little knowledge about the Middle East as possible. Bonus if the individual absorbs complex, geopolitical information related to the Middle East from 13-second videos on TikTok. White, Jewish Israel-haters get a Starbucks gift certificate.”

Don’t ever forget your humanity toward workers when assembling to dehumanize Jews. 

As always, when paying attendees, ensure that they are compensated in a timely manner. One redeemable aspect of Judaism is that it demands that workers be paid on time. Some actors may still be waiting on last week’s checks and Venmo payments for their shouts and screams against Israel at the new, Jewish-owned salami stand in downtown Wichita. Don’t ever forget your humanity toward workers when assembling to dehumanize Jews.

Don’t Forget the Basic Niceties 

Bring refreshments and stay hydrated. Shouting and cursing have been scientifically linked to dry mouth, hoarse throat and, on occasion, under-eye wrinkles. Depending on the city, there may be rain, snow or even hail. Ensure protestors have access to zinc-based sunscreen in parts of California, Hawaii, Arizona, Florida and Tasmania.  

When scaring Jewish families, students or professors, or shouting racist slogans that would be intolerable if hurled at any other minority, it is important to cover one’s face. Naturally, this has nothing to do with hiding one’s identity from current or future employers or school administrators; it is a matter of basic courtesy and health. During a rally of 100,000 protestors, we can only imagine how many airborne bacteria emanate from those six timeless words, “From the river to the sea!”

Remain Open-Minded

The most meaningful form of political activism helps us grow as individuals. Always ensure there is enough space in your heart for the legitimate suffering of Palestinians, but never allow yourself to utter a single word about Hamas, Fatah, Iran, Hezbollah or anyone else whose vision of peace is slightly nonconformist. It goes without saying that any attempts at dialogue with the opposing side are completely unjustifiable. Slogan language is key. Tell anyone who will listen that you have nothing against Jews. In fact, if there were 56 Jewish states in the world, instead of one, you would oppose all of them, instead of merely Israel. We both know you are an equal-opportunity activist. 

Keep your heart open, but don’t leave so much room that sympathy for Israelis or Jews will lurk in somehow. Mention nothing of the Israeli hostages. If anyone approaches you at a demonstration and begins to mumble gibberish about Israeli women being raped by Hamas, remind them that this is America and that you don’t have to listen to blatant lies and defamation, unless they are coming from you. 

Finally, years of market research and costly laboratory experimentation have proven that butane lighters are the most effective at quickly burning through Israeli and American flags, though torch lighters are also growing in popularity, but those do come with a caution: The fire may be propelled right back to the arsonist.

Tabby Refael is an award-winning writer, speaker and weekly columnist for The Jewish Journal of Greater Los Angeles. Follow her on X/Twitter and Instagram @TabbyRefael

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