I’m a perfectionist, and part of being a perfectionist means that I set up lofty goals for myself that are often unattainable. And when I “fail,” I feel bad about myself.
Here’s a recent example: I’ve been trying to wake up at 6:30 every morning to get on the treadmill and work out for 30 minutes. Sometimes I get to do it, and sometimes I don’t. If I go to bed too late, I hit “snooze” on my alarm. If my kids wake me up multiple times throughout the night, I’m too much of a zombie to get up at that time. Sometimes when I’m only a few minutes into my workout, my youngest will start crying and I’ll have to stop.
Instead of being rational and saying, “life happens,” I put myself down for not getting up early enough to complete my workout or doing it later in the day, even though I have absolutely no time otherwise. I judge myself and talk to myself harshly. I say, “Kylie, you’re a failure.”
Going into the New Year, I’m working on not being perfect and creating unrealistic standards for myself. I’m working on saying that it’s OK to “mess up,” as long as I never stop striving to be better. If I’m trending in the right direction, that’s what matters.
During Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, we are supposed to be introspective and find things about ourselves that we can work on. You are never supposed to say, “Everything about me is perfect, and there is nothing I need to change.” Everybody can improve in some way. There’s nothing wrong with being imperfect, but there is something wrong with giving up.
When we are doing teshuva, repentance, during the High Holy Days, Hashem doesn’t want us to say to ourselves, “I am terrible. I am beyond flawed, and I am not fixable.” When you do that, you’re not approaching self-improvement from a place of love. Even so-called “tough love” isn’t healthy. What leads to meaningful change is saying, “I am mostly good, but there are things I need to work on. I have a beautiful soul, and it’s time to reconnect with it.”
The truth is that there is no such thing as perfect. Sure, if I got up early and did find time to work out, this means I might lose out on sleep and be tired throughout the day. Or if I did get to bed early, I wouldn’t get to spend as much time with my husband, or my house might be dirty, or I wouldn’t be able to read a book before bed. Nothing would ever be perfect.
Imperfection appears multiple times throughout the Torah. There’s a theory that the Torah starts with the letter “Bet” and not “Alef” because Hashem may have created a world prior to this one and decided to start over again. Hashem’s first two human creations, Adam and Chava, sinned on the first day they were in this world. The great matriarchs, patriarchs, prophets and leaders all had issues they needed to address.
Having flaws and then overcoming them is a virtue. Coming from a low place and ascending to a higher one is much more commendable than being born perfect and never having to work on anything.
This New Year, we can look to the 613 commandments found in the Torah to figure out how to better ourselves. And, we can rely on Hashem’s love to get us through whatever challenges we are facing.
During the High Holy Days and beyond, I’m focusing on improvement, not perfection, and I encourage you to do the same. If you come across roadblocks along the way, don’t let them stop you.
During the High Holy Days and beyond, I’m focusing on improvement, not perfection, and I encourage you to do the same. If you come across roadblocks along the way, don’t let them stop you. Pray to Hashem to give you the strength to continue, and always strive for better.
Do you have thoughts on perfectionism? Email me: Kylieol@JewishJournal.com.
Kylie Ora Lobell is the Community Editor of the Jewish Journal.
