I mentioned to my friend Goldie that our daughter-in-law Anna was leaving for the weekend and our son Jacob was to watch three-year-old Ben and seven-month-old Lucy on his own. Then, when I told her that Jacob wanted us to watch Lucy because it was a lot for him to handle, Goldie laughed, and said, “When Noah (her husband) went away, I handled four of them myself.” Fortunately, I never told her that when my three boys were little, before my wife Nancy would leave town she set up every meal and had people stop by every 15 minutes to ensure everyone was still breathing. My son Jacob takes after me.
So, from Friday afternoon to Sunday afternoon, we had little seven-month-old Lucy as a house guest. It’s amazing how fast you fall in love with the little ones, especially since you know you can return them.
Jacob did warn us that Lucy’s brother Ben had the flu, but said, “So far, Lucy has tested negative for it.” He then added, “Oh but by the way, she’s coughing, her nose is running, and she had a fever yesterday.” I said, “You know that when people my age get the flu, sometimes it turns into pneumonia, and they die very quickly.” Smiling, Jacob said, “Here, take her.” Then he speedily drove off to Dave and Busters to play skeet ball with Ben.
While we watched his car disappear quicker than mist from an atomizer, Lucy turned, looked at me, coughed, and sprayed a diseased mist directly into both my eyes, making sure whatever she was carrying went directly into my bloodstream.
I said to Nancy, “When is her nap?” My heart sank when Nancy said, “She just woke up.” Lucy smiled and again coughed into my face. I told Nancy to take the baby because I needed to walk the dog. When I returned 11 hours later, Nancy was on the floor watching Lucy chew on her hand. “You sit with her. I must change my blouse because she threw up on me.”
I sat down and said, “Hi Lucy, it’s Zayde.” She looked at me and immediately started screaming. She was so inconsolable I could barely hear the phone ringing. I picked it up and heard, “It’s Jacob. Why is she crying? What did you do to her?”
“I didn’t do anything. She hates me.”
“Where’s Mom?”
“She’s cleaning vomit off her blouse.”
The second we hung up, Lucy got Buddhist Monk calm. Kids are evil. They do that to you on purpose. She knew he was going to call.
Sitting on the floor, we were now playing with one of her and my favorite toys. It’s a piano that when you hit any key, a ball in a tube floats up in the air. The piano then lights up and music plays. I said, “Lucy, please play the piano for Zayde.” She instantaneously hit one of the keys. Then she did it two more times. Being an artist, I can spot the genius in others. It was at that moment that I realized she was a musical prodigy and should be enrolled at the 227-year-old Conservatoire de Paris in France. When I asked her to repeat her vigorous arpeggio for Nancy, her deep humility would not permit it.
When Nancy said it was nap time, I told her to wake me in an hour. She said, “Lucy, not you.” I purported, “People on Medicare also need naps.”
The first night, Nancy woke me up half a dozen times to check on the baby. No big deal, I get up that many times to pee. I’m not lucky like Lucy where I can pee and sleep at the same time. At least not yet anyway.
Of course, I’m not complaining. We love our grandchildren. They are exactly what the doctor ordered. They’ve given us a new lease on life, and so much to look forward to.
On Sunday, Jacob came by with Ben to pick up Lucy. After hooking up the U-Haul with all her stuff, we kissed Lucy and handed her back in one piece. As Jacob was buckling her in to her carseat, she coughed and sprayed her famous mist right in his face. All I could think was “You go girl”.
Mark Schiff is a comedian, actor and writer, and host of the ‘You Don’t Know Schiff’ podcast. His new book is “Why Not? Lessons on Comedy, Courage and Chutzpah.”