Life Lessons in Old Age

Life is long and it is also short. A half century, 60 years, 70, 80, that’s many years. So many events, occasions, memories. Work, family, travel, so very much accomplished, so many things left undone. It’s a lifetime spent and then you look back and it seems like a dream, a distant experience — in Yiddish, der leben iz a cholem.

It was busy, full, rushed, and now it is quiet and reflective and hard to reconcile “then” and “now.” The lesson: Not that youth is wasted on the young, but rather that one should appreciate each stage as it unfolds. Hardship and joy are present at every step. There is no time when it will be all good, so focus on the good and carry on. There are always moments to savor and appreciate.

You see advertisements from pharmaceutical companies that promise great treatments, followed by 700 possible side effects. Well, a good laugh may not cure disease, but it does make life so much more pleasurable. With no side effects. I’ve noticed that people who enjoy a good joke and laugh heartily seem in good spirits and often in good health.

Even in the hardest times, humor has a role to play. In the gloomy days of the Soviet Union, Russians used sardonic humor as a coping mechanism: A frustrated man is standing in a long liquor line in the Soviet Union. Fed up with the agonizing wait, he throws his hands up, yells, “I have had enough, save my place, I am going to shoot Gorbachev!” and storms off. Two hours later, he returns and elbows his way back into his spot in line. His friends ask, “Did you get him?” He shakes his head and replies, “No, the line to shoot Gorbachev was even longer than the line here.” It’s at least partially true that humor is the best medicine.

Legacy. The chapter of the Torah titled “The Life of Sarah” begins with the statement that Sarah passed away. Why would the chapter title appear to be so misleading? The purpose is to draw our attention to the fact that life does not end with death. Even nonbelievers acknowledge that we leave behind a legacy. It can take the form of children and grandchildren, good deeds and kindness, reaching out to help others, professional accomplishments, donor bequests and many other possibilities. The Ethics of the Fathers states that a good name is paramount: “Rabbi Judah said there are three crowns: the crown of the Torah, the crown of the Priesthood and the crown of royalty, but the crown of a good name surpasses them all.” In other words, we all die, but we live on in many ways and we should live in awareness of that important truth and shape our behavior accordingly.

We all die, but we live on in many ways, and we should live in awareness of that important truth and shape our behavior accordingly.

One person is a world. Judaism introduced the notion that to kill a person is to kill a world because the potential offspring of endless generations would be eliminated. The 6 million Jews murdered in the Holocaust could have had children who would have contributed enormously until the end of time. Killing a person is also destroying a world in the sense that it denies the sanctity of life. It is nihilistic and sacrilegious.

There are many ways Judaism emphasizes the importance of the individual.  A prayer service requires a quorum of 10 men (a minyan). Nine is not enough. Each person is critically necessary. A story told by Sivan Rahav-Meir recounts a village that had 10 Jewish families, and 10 men came to the service every day no matter the obstacles. Another family settled in the town and suddenly it became difficult to have a minyan because some thought that someone else would attend. They felt less responsible: “Each person matters, each person must internalize that the whole world cannot function without his or her unique contribution. You are always the ‘10th person for the minyan,’ and you are always needed.”

Perspective. One of the hardest achievements is not living only in the moment. What someone said to you today, the disappointment you experienced yesterday, the unexpected setback now are rarely a true crisis. Even if there is a real challenge, it is usually manageable with concerted effort, assistance and time. Perspective in life is critical.

One of the hardest achievements is not living only in the moment. What someone said to you today, the disappointment you experienced yesterday, the unexpected setback now, are rarely a true crisis. Even if there is a real challenge, it is usually manageable with concerted effort, assistance and time. Perspective in life is critical.

Many people are outraged and bear a grudge and end up doing more damage to themselves than to the “offender.” In the case of truly egregious comments or actions, proper action needs to be taken, but first consider the real nature of the situation and whether it is as offensive as it first appears. Sometimes, a deep breath, a few minutes or even hours of reflection can avert tremendous stress and aggravation. Perspective asks: Is it worth it?

Making a living and making a life. Virtually everyone has to work to make a living. The ideal is to find work that you’re good at and that you like. If you’re good at it but don’t like it, you’ll be successful, but you won’t be happy; if you’re not good at it but you like it, you’ll be happy but you won’t be successful. Truly happy is that odd man or woman who succeeds in both senses.

In any event, making a living is not all there is to life. It seems that for many, it is all there is. But life is inside the workplace and outside. Just as it is important to be good at your work and enjoy it, it is just as important to make a living and to make a life. Family, friends, intellectual stimulation, volunteer or community work: these are vital relationships and activities that make the person. It is a complex and rounded view. Winston Churchill famously said: “We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.”

The king of the tiny state of Bhutan declared in the 1970s that Gross National Happiness is more important than the Gross Domestic Product. His purpose was to increase social well-being along with economic success. Gross National Happiness takes into account the whole person and the whole society, not calculating only material possession, the intangibles as well as the tangible. Perhaps that’s why Bhutan rates first on the World Happiness Index.

Those are some of my observations after a lifetime of experience.

What is most precious in your life? What would you add to the list? 

Dr. Paul Socken is Distinguished Professor Emeritus and founder of the Jewish Studies Program at the University of Waterloo.