With the approach of the High Holy Days, it’s a good time to prepare ourselves to ask for forgiveness for our failings over the past year.
But offering apologies isn’t limited to a particular season. In fact, it seems that each day we hear expressions of remorse from celebrities, politicians, and others.
Are they sincere?
The classic case of a “nonapology” apology is when the allegedly contrite offender says something to the effect of “I’m so sorry that you’re upset.” Note that the speaker doesn’t actually acknowledge doing anything wrong. Instead, this may be a devious way to accuse an aggrieved party of being too sensitive, while absolving oneself of any guilt.
How else can you tell if an apology is less than heartfelt?
If a person uses the passive voice, be on your guard. A favorite line from Richard Nixon and his defenders regarding Watergate was that “mistakes were made.” Really? By you? Ronald Reagan used that phrase several times when referring to the Iran-Contra affair, as did Bill Clinton when questioned about a campaign fundraising impropriety.
And the refusal to offer a genuine apology can change history.
Hillary Clinton may have cost herself the presidency when she said that “You could put half of Trump’s supporters into what I call the basket of deplorables. Right? They’re racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, Islamophobic – you name it.” In the face of intense criticism, Clinton said that she regretted saying “half.” While she eventually conceded that using the word “deplorable” presented a “political gift” for Trump, as far as I know, she has yet to apologize to the tens of millions of Americans she ridiculed.
But the king of the “Never Apologize Movement” has to be President Trump. That isn’t terribly surprising given that an important mentor of his was none other than Roy Cohn, chief counsel for Senator Joseph McCarthy (R-Wis.)during the “red scare,” and one of the most notorious figures in U.S. history. Cohn lived by the motto “Never admit you are wrong” — a lesson our president apparently has taken to heart.
Does a genuine apology ever make a difference? It seems so.
John Galliano was fired as creative director of Dior for his well-documented 2010 antisemitic rant at a French café. His redemption will be complete next year when he is honored with a retrospective at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. The backlash to that announcement has been substantial, but it is worth noting that the ADL has vouched for the sincerity of Galliano’s apology, adding that he has met with Jewish leaders, educated himself in the history of bigotry and visited Auschwitz. That’s good enough for me.
Some have criticized Anthony Fauci for refusing to apologize for anything he did during the COVID years or wrote in his recently released pandemic-era diary. Of course, he is undoubtedly following the advice of his lawyers.
That makes the words of John Jenkins, former president of the University of Notre Dame, seem even more remarkable. Back in 2010, despite strong winds, a 20-year-old undergraduate was inexplicably ordered to film a football practice from a perch high above the field. The tower collapsed, and the student died. Father Jenkins put out this message: “Declan Sullivan was entrusted to our care, and we failed to keep him safe. We at Notre Dame – and ultimately I, as President — are responsible.” The university’s lawyers likely cringed, but Father Jenkins proved that he is a true mensch.
Finally, when I think about real contrition and why it matters, I reread the High Holy Day message that Rabbi Steven Stark Lowenstein from Am Shalom in Glencoe, Illinois sends to his congregants: “If I have offended you in any way this past year, I ask for your forgiveness. Remember the pages are still blank, the book is still open. The pen is in your hand. May the final seal be a good one.”
Here’s a suggestion for those who intend to ask for God’s mercy during the Kol Nidre service at the start of Yom Kippur: Don’t say, “God, mistakes were made and I am so sorry that you’re upset.”
God is much too clever to fall for that ruse.
Morton Schapiro served for more than 22 years as President of Northwestern University and Williams College. He taught almost 7,000 undergraduates over his 40 plus years as an economics professor.
