Reflections on an Anniversary

We recently celebrated two family milestones: our 33rd wedding anniversary and our oldest son’s birthday. Avi was born a few days before his due date — an unbeatable first anniversary gift. Jeff and I, and Avi and his family enjoyed dinner on the deck in our backyard in the cool of the late afternoon.

During dinner, Avi’s younger daughter, 5-year-old Leeba, piped up. “Nana and Papa don’t look anything like they did when they got married,” she observed nonchalantly between bites of chicken schnitzel. We all laughed as Jeff asked her, “In what way don’t we look the same?”

“In every way!” she pronounced firmly.

This is why God makes little kids so cute. They state the unvarnished truth and we love them even more.

It’s true. Jeff now is mostly gray, yet still about as fit as he was on July 12, 1987. I hide my gray hair with chestnut-brown dye, and have held on to the baby weight from my four pregnancies for purely sentimental reasons. Before we married, Jeff and I wondered what our future would hold. Would we be blessed with children? With satisfying careers? With good health? Would we live in times of peace or war? Through marriage, we were committing to face that unknown future together.

We didn’t fall in love, but love blossomed as we grew to know each other meaningfully. Neither of us trusted the concept of “falling in love” because falls can be dangerous. You can break your leg and need a long time to mend. Our courtship was cautious, but becoming a wife or a husband is the job of all jobs. It’s got lifetime tenure — like being on the Supreme Court. Admittedly, I eventually became impatient for a proposal, but when I got the ring, we both knew it was right.

I believe love is a decision; one that needs reaffirmation each day. This is how love grows — through the ups and downs, the unwavering commitment to give to each other, and to give space when needed. We’ve been blessed with healthy children and grandchildren, with satisfying careers, nourishing friendships and the spiritual sustenance of meaningful Jewish practice. Living through tumultuous times as we now reinforces the truth that the Torah and its teachings really are “a tree of life.”

As our granddaughter Leeba couldn’t help but notice as she compared her real-life grandparents with their wedding-day photos, Jeff and I have changed over the years, although we work hard to stay as youthful as possible. We now take a boatload of supplements from vitamin A to zinc, and make exercise a priority.

We’ve changed more on the inside. Even after three decades together, we have discovered things about ourselves and each other that came as stunning revelations. Both of us, it turned out, still carried hidden emotional baggage from our childhoods, deeply painful experiences that had caused fissures in our relationship that neither of us knew how to address. We have supported each other through this learning process, which has led to our feeling even closer.

Recently, we watched a Jerry Seinfeld stand-up show on Netflix. I was laughing uproariously from the beginning of the show, but during Seinfeld’s riffs on marriage, Jeff nearly bust a gut. The comedian joked about getting in trouble with his wife for using “that tone,” when he had no idea he even had a “tone” at all. As he played out the routine about being the unwittingly erring husband, Jeff was laughing so hard, he had to go outside to catch his breath.

Laughter is contagious, so we were both laughing until we cried. But afterward, I got Jeff to confess that I didn’t do what Seinfeld’s wife, Jessica, did. Usually.

Young adults are pushing off marriage later than ever before. While many singles are anxious about the future, nobody ever knows what the future brings. I do know this, though: With a good and loving spouse and a strong, shared sense of Jewish values, you can build a life together, supporting and strengthening each other in good times and less good times, loving each other, and sharing the healing gift of laughter.

Judy Gruen’s most recent book is “The Skeptic and the Rabbi: Falling in Love With Faith.”