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Tuesday, April 7, 2020

Oh Jared Leto, how little I knew about your band…

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What started out as a surprise of a lifetime, quickly turned into a XXX porn show for many children and one particular fifth-grader.

I like to think that I am a pretty fun parent, but when my husband and I surprised our eleven-year-old with tickets to Thirty Seconds to Mars concert, my ‘cool factor’ went through the roof!  Yes, I measure my coolness by the lack of booing in my home when I occasionally do something that is viewed as fun by my dear, spoiled children.  Considering this was the first “real” concert that my son would be going to, it was a big deal.  Sure he’s gone to other concerts before, he is a veteran concert goer!  We took him to a Blue’s Clues concert when he was just three years old, and the Wiggles concert when he was five, and who could forget the Doodlebops concert!  Now that’s what you call ‘Quality Entertainment’.

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I don’t remember much of the Blue’s Clues concert, probably because my girlfriend and I were indulging in our brand new flasks that were purchased specifically for this event, at our local Target of course, right before the show.  I believe most parents in the audience were seen sipping through some sort of portable drinking devices…

Unfortunately, the Wiggles concert I did not attend.  If I remember correctly, the night before I suddenly came down with an unknown-to-man stomach bug and was unable to join the family for this joyous activity.  As my husband later described the torturous two hours of his life, all I could do is remind him that if I had to sit through two hours of Blue’s Clues, the least he could do was pretend to enjoy the Wiggles!  After all, the Wiggles sang songs and danced around, all Blue ever did was make incoherent noises and make Steve look like an idiot for guessing what the hell that dog was trying to say.  Did you ever notice Blue roll her eyes at him every time he guessed wrong?  You didn’t?  Well, I did.  I clearly remember suggesting the flask to him, but being a non-drinker at children’s events, my husband decided to do it sober.  Bad idea.

What about the Doodlebops, you ask?  Well…  I really didn’t want to go there, particularly because we had amazing seats that were FREE!  If this was a Rock concert I could reach out and touch the performers, but seeing that this was a Doodlebops concert I had to refrain myself from reaching up and tearing the ugly, pink wig off the girl and throwing it at her.  Towards the end of the show, they asked some of the more “outgoing” kids to come up on stage, which I took as a direct invite for me to run up there, however as I tried to get out of my seat I realized that something was holding me down.  I kept getting pulled back into the chair, over and over and over again.  Having drank a liter of rum and Coke during the show, it took me a few minutes to figure out that my husband had his hand wrapped around my shirt therefore preventing me from getting up.  I still don’t understand how he can predict my every move, minutes before I actually decide to make the move!

Let’s go back to Thirty Seconds to Mars.  I realize that I should have researched this band a bit more thoroughly, and more importantly Jared Leto before purchasing tickets.  Neither myself or my husband knew that the guy just released a new video called “Hurricane”, which they decided to show at the beginning of their performance.  This is the part where you stop reading, pull up a new window and look up Hurricane on www.Youporn.com.  Yes, I said youporn, not youtube because that’s where you will find it.  Did you see it?  Good.

As the giant screen went from black to Dominatrix, all I could do was shove my son’s face into my chest as fast as my instincts allowed.  After which I heard an “Ew” and a “Ouch”, but I made him stay in that position for the next fifteen minutes as graphic S & M scenes displayed on the screen.  The only thing missing was the moaning and groaning, which was replaced by Leto’s character in the video trying to sing while performing.  And when I say ‘performing’, I am talking about him trying to have sex with what i can only describe as a Mythical creature who transforms into a woman, man, animal, you name it…  I was about to write that I think my son learned a few things that night, but truthfully I think I learned a few things myself.  For instance, when you rescue a girl from her pimp while she is dressed as a cat in an S & M costume, make sure you let her know how grateful she should be by having sex with her right after.  That’ll teach her to go around whoring herself out!  I don’t know if you can tell, but that’s the only thing I got out of that video, even though I am sure there is some kind of a deeper and darker explanation.  If you figure it out, do me a huge favor and post a comment telling me what it is!

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When the band finally came on at around 10 o’clock, they were great!  They could have been even greater if Leto would stop talking and do some actual singing.  Who does he think he is, a Comedian?  When I come to a music concert, I want to hear music.  Not some 39-year-old, ex-Levi’s jeans model talking the whole time.  In the amount of time he spent wasting by getting the crowd jumping and screaming for no other reason than him ripping his shirt off, he could have performed at least three more songs.  And then the genius decided to start ‘walking’ on people in the crowd, yes I said walking.  And what do you know?  The half drunk, half stoned teenagers dropped his skinny ass!  I swear that was the best part of the concert, I was laughing so hard that the overweight 40-year-old Mother of three sitting next to me looked like she was about to beat my ass.  Not to mention my son who leaned over and asked if Jared was going to get trampled by all the people.  My response: “I hope so!”  That didn’t go over too well with him.

And where was my husband this whole time, you ask?  He was sitting down while everyone else was standing, checking his email, along with plotting the best escape route out of Gibson theater on his Blackberry navigation system.  I am not even making a joke here, dead honest truth.  I am pretty sure the only time he was fully awake was during the porn video, and the only reason I know that for a fact is because he made several comments about it on the way home.  Ask him about the actual concert.  I bet every single one of you that’s reading this $20 he has no clue if they were a rock, pop or rap group!  Alright maybe he knows, but the rest maybe a bit blurry.

I am not saying that the concert was bad, not at all.  It was a great concert.  And think of all new experiences that my son learned about: the mask wearing Dominatrix that looked like half bug/half woman, all new smells in the air and why he should selectively hold his breath at various moments, the list goes on and on…  Its priceless!

So, I would like to thank Jared Leto and his band for giving me the most uncomfortable fifteen minutes of my life!  Never in my whole adult life did I think I’d be watching porn with my fifth-grader, but overall a great show from someone who has tried it all, acting, modeling, directing and now singing!  All of a sudden a Wiggles concert sounds so appealing…  Stay tuned.

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