The Rosh Hashanah Hezbollah Liquidation Sale

With apologies to the late rocker Prince, Jews should already be ready to party like it’s 5785. With no disrespect to 5784, Rosh Hashanah 5785 could be the best ever. The Jewish New Year already started with more than a mere bang. Independence Day Roman candles cannot match exploding pagers.

While Jewish law prevents glorifying or celebrating death, celebrating victory in war is perfectly permissible. We light Hanukkah candles to celebrate the Maccabees throttling our enemies. Those too stuffy to laugh about exploding pagers can apologize and vow to be more humorless come Yom Kippur. Exploding pagers was as brilliantly effective as it is hysterically funny. The worst people got what they deserved in the most creative and best way imaginable. Internet memes everywhere are satirizing Hezbollah jihadists trying to enjoy 72 virgins while missing their necessary appendages.

While Jewish law prevents glorifying or celebrating death, celebrating victory in war is perfectly permissible.

Yet exploding pagers are just icing on a cake eaten before dinner without spoiling our appetite. Fifty-seven-eighty-four’s final Shabbos brought the best Black Friday liquidation sale not involving Thanksgiving. Better than discounted big screen televisions or used exploded pagers, this liquidation sale involved Hezbollah leaders. Several lieutenants were extinguished, but the big prize was eliminating Hezbollah commander Hassan Nasrallah. Iranian Ayatollah Khamenei’s protégé was taken out with the most perfect precision strike since Nolan Ryan. 

Nasrallah’s hands contained the blood of thousands of Jews. He was the operational mastermind of many Hezbollah attacks over the last couple decades. His removal from earth is a devastating defeat for barbarism and a resounding victory for civilization. Yes, civilization’s preservation and restoration merits Kool and the Gang’s “Celebration.” 

Life is imperfect. IDF soldiers perished. Hamas still holds Jewish hostages. Yet lamenting loss accomplishes nothing. Outside of family members of hostages or fallen soldiers, there is plenty to celebrate. Israel is now decisively winning this war. Hamas and Hezbollah have been crushed, although not completely and irrevocably. The IDF returned to testosterone alpha status. Doubt that creeped in after the Oct. 7 attacks has been replaced with a confident swagger. Like Angela Bassett’s Stella, the IDF seriously got their groove back. 

Alongside the military victories is the unmistakable message sent to various stakeholders consistently wrong about everything. Force works. Diplomacy with genocidal madmen is as pointless as John Kerry State Department meetings. While the world’s talkers talked, the Israeli doers did, and did well. Those with no idea how to win wars saw firsthand what happens when the goal is absolute victory and the military means business. Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu properly ignores the Chatty Cathys and Muhammads and the useless United Nations Jew-hating plutocrats. Bibi was forged through the fire of the raid on Entebbe. His steel mettle is why Israel ignores the ceasefire surrender caucus plaguing blue congressional districts and college campuses. 

In more good news, Bibi is finally unshackled. Donald Trump agrees with Netanyahu’s military philosophy. Joe Biden is a lame duck. Kamala Harris muzzles her views to avoid offending Michigan Arabs or Pennsylvania Jews. For the first time in ages, America’s State Department has zero ability to restrain an Israeli government determined to finally finish the job. An unchained Israel is definitely worth celebrating. The Zionist lion is roaring loudly, proudly and justifiably. 

True, professors are going to profess and protesters are going to protest, but they are small potatoes. Public relations victories can wait. Fifty-seven-eighty-five right now is about Israel affirming itself in the biggest, boldest and most necessary ways possible. 

Fifty-seven-eighty-five may see Jews go beyond mere survival to thriving again. Our enemies are stuck in a 5784 mentality. That world is gone. This new world contains exploding pagers and Hezbollah liquidation sales. Perfectly imperfect, it is Jewish, proud, tough, victorious, and therefore beautiful.  

With terrorists, get them and smoke them. With victory cigars, smoke ‘em if you got ‘em. 

Happy 5785. May Jews be inscribed in the book of life. May our IDF brothers in arms keep preserving Jewish life. May all Jews from Dire Straits’ Mark Knopfler to the rest of us continue to do the walk of life.

Eric Golub is a retired stockbrokerage and oil professional living in Los Angeles.