Author’s note: The following is a work of satire. Not the part about a wildly unimaginable mishandling of sensitive information that was shared in a Signal group. That part only sounds like satire, but it is, hilariously, true. The rest of this column, I assure you, is entirely made up.
Last week, Jeffrey Goldberg, editor of The Atlantic, broke the news that someone in the Trump administration had included him in text messages regarding planned American airstrikes in Yemen. Just when I thought we were growing inured to yet another “breaking news” story regarding the administration, National Security Advisor Mike Waltz inadvertently included a well-known journalist (and one of Trump’s biggest critics) in a Signal group regarding American strikes against Houthis.
Why sensitive information was shared with anyone via Signal, an encrypted messaging service, is a question for other pundits. But The Jewish Journal has obtained access to a slew of other sensitive information exchanged on Signal by world leaders, terrorist organizations and in one case, a local Passover food chat group. We are compelled to publish this information for the benefit of the public at large.
The Journal obtained the following leaked Signal messages between Ismail Barhoum, former Hamas official in Gaza, and two other Hamas terrorists. Israel recently killed Barhoum in a targeted airstrike at Nasser Hospital in Southern Gaza, where he was hiding, shortly after the following messages were sent:
Barhoum: Yasir!
Barhoum: Yasir!
Barhoum: YASIR!
A Hamas terrorist named Yasir: Yes? Why do you keep repeating my name, sir?
Barhoum: Yasir! Yasir! Yasir! I’m calling your name three times because I watched it in a movie called “Beetlejuice” and I thought maybe you would appear.
Yasir: Appear where?
Barhoum: I’m hiding out at Nasser Hospital right now and I’m a little bored. Wish you were here.
Yasir: Me, too, sir. I’m currently hiding under a little girl’s twin mattress. It smells like candy and unfulfilled dreams. But there are so many rockets hidden here that I feel as though I’m not completely alone.
Barhoum: Want to hear a joke?
A Hamas terrorist named Salah: Sir, you put me in this group, too. Can I hear the joke as well?
Barhoum: Salah! Wow, I didn’t realize you were here. That was just such a Trump-Goldberg moment.
(A long silence)
Salah: Sir, are you still here?
Barhoum: I’m here. Just typing those two names, Trump and Goldberg, left a terrible taste in my mouth. I had to go into a patient’s room and drink some water. The patient seemed fine. I doubt he needed the water as much as I did.
Yasir: Were you going to share a joke, sir?
Barhoum: Oh, yeah. Which Zionist movie title will always appear if you say its name three times?
Salah: Oh, I know this one! “Lower Than Dung: The True Story of Zionists.”
Barhoum: No.
Salah: “Daggers at the Snake: Our Eternal Mission Against Zionists.”
Barhoum: No.
Salah: But those were both frontrunners for the best foreign film category at the Oscars.
Barhoum: Yasir, want to take a crack at it?
Yasir: Was it “Yentl”?
Barhoum: NO! And how do you know about “Yentl,” Yasir?!
Yasir: Will all due respect, sir, how do YOU know about “Yentl”?
Barhoum: Forget it. I’ll tell you. The Zionist movie that’ll always appear if you say its name three times is “Beetlejews!” [laughing emoji]
Salah: That’s a good one sir.
Barhoum: Wait, do you hear that?
Yasir: Hear what?
Barhoum: It sounds like the Zionist planes. Are either of you in Khan Younis? I need help.
Yasir: I’m close, but not quite there. Should I come out of hiding from under this little girl’s bed?
Salah: I would help, but I am currently in New Hampshire as a visiting postdoc at Dartmouth. They asked me to chair a few different departments here because they wanted someone who was less fanatically anti-Israel than most professors.
Barhoum: I think this is the end! Share my “Beetlejews” joke with the world, my brothers! Do not let it die with me! And Salah, there’s a really good falafel stand in Hanover that sells two-for-one specials on Wednesdays. I know because I once served as the chair of Women’s and Gender Studies at Dartmouth!
(A long silence)
Yasir: Sir? SIR?!
Salah: I think he’s gone.
Yasir: Curse the Zionists.
Salah: Yes, curse them. Also, now that it’s just the two of us, did you get the joke?
Yasir: Not really. Beetles are repulsive insects. Jews are the same. Seems a bit repetitive.
The Journal has obtained the following Signal exchange between Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and Minister of Finance Bezalel Smotrich:
Netanyahu: Zizi? You there?
Smotrich: ?
Netanyahu: I finally found a nickname for you I like: Zizi.
Smotrich: Okay. Can I call you Bibi?
Netanyahu: No.
Smotrich: Everything okay?
Netanyahu: I want a new attorney general.
Smotrich: I know.
Netanyahu: And I want a new head of the Shin Bet.
Smotrich: Yes, I know.
Netanyahu: And I really want a new head chef in the PM’s residence. The Ashkenazi one who’s here right now is really good, but he won’t touch a bean or a grain of rice over Passover. That’s the last thing I need right now.
Smotrich: Are you writing to simply vent, or do you want me to offer some solutions?
Netanyahu: I guess I’m just venting. Oh, I have to go. I think Shlomo just accidentally sent Jeff Goldberg our plans for Iran.
Smotrich: Why didn’t anyone send me those plans?
Netanyahu: Gotta go!
A senior Pentagon official has leaked the following Signal conversation between prominent Houthi heads Mohammad Abdulsalam, Eshaq Abdulmalek Abdullah Almarwani, Mahdi Mohammed Hussein Al-Mashat, Mohamed Ali Al-Houthi, Ali Muhammad Muhsin Salih Al-Hadi, Abdulmalek Abdullah Mohammed E Alagri, Khaled Hussein Saleh Gaber and Abdulwali Abdoh Hasan Al-Jabri.
Abdulsalam: Did anyone see Trump’s airstrike plans against us?
Al-Hadi: Meh. Nothing new. My six-year-old nephew could come up with something better.
Al-Jabri: He could, but isn’t he currently taking meetings at the Russian Foreign Ministry?
Al-Hadi: Yes. We’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel with our diplomats.
Al-Houthi: It’s a great day. Last week, I was praying for a way to make us a household name among the cursed Americans. Who knew we’d become so famous thanks to a Jew?
Abdulsalam: Yes, thank goodness for Goldberg. Remember how we secretly polled a few thousand Americans last year about our brand and most of them kept mispronouncing “Houthis” and asking, “Who this?” Who this? Who that? I thought Iran sent us an extra $3 billion to boost PR efforts this year. Hold on. There are some poor villagers outside the door, probably begging again for food and water.
[a long silence]
Abdulsalam: I’m back. I told them I don’t have any food, water or access to funds of any kind [laughing emoji]. As I was saying, I really think more Americans know about us now. I’m in such a good mood that I’m going to cancel this afternoon’s Red Sea vessel sinking.
Al-Houthi: This Signal business was a godsend. We were about to unleash PR Plan Number Two.
Al-Hadi: The all-Houthi boy band?
Al-Houthi: Yes. We were only a few days away from the world debut of Ye-MEN.
Al-Hadi: Let’s save it as a backup. Americans have short attention spans.
Finally, The Journal has obtained exclusive access to the most controversial news surrounding a Signal group this week. The story focuses on a disturbing exchange in a local Passover foods and recipes chat group. For privacy concerns, we have withheld the last names of the alleged participants:
Eliezer: Does anyone know a rabbi who would give me an exemption so I can eat rice during Passover? I need someone lenient.
Isaac: Why do you want to eat rice? None of us can eat rice.
Rafi: Excuse me, not everyone in this chat comes from the same background. I am from Iran and I can eat rice.
Donna: Why do you want rice?
Rafi: Are you talking to me?
Donna: No, to Eliezer.
Eliezer: That’s a question between me and my gastroenterologist.
Isaac: So just have gluten-free matzah.
Rafi: Psh, I’d rather have gefilte fish from a jar. Poor Eliezer.
Donna: This conversation is making me uncomfortable, and I am taking screenshots.
Eliezer: I’m just asking if anyone knows a lenient rabbi because I’m tired of this no-rice business.
Donna: I just took another screenshot.
Donald: Hey, JD, Marco, Pete, Scott, Kristi, Bobby, you there? I wanna talk about “Operation Ground Chicken” against Iranian nuke plants next week.
Eliezer:
Behrouz:
Isaac:
Donna: And … I’m definitely taking another screenshot.
Tabby Refael is an award-winning writer, speaker and weekly columnist for The Jewish Journal of Greater Los Angeles. Follow her on X and Instagram @TabbyRefael.
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