If Only the Ancient Jews Knew About Jamie Foxx

Oscar-winner Jamie Foxx recently asked his nearly 17 million Instagram followers, “They killed this dude named Jesus … what do you think they’ll do to you???! #fakefriends #fakelove.” One day later, Foxx deleted the post and wrote, “I want to apologize to the Jewish community and everyone who was offended by my post,” adding that he was “betrayed by a fake friend and that’s what I meant with ‘they’ not anything more.”

I can’t read Foxx’s mind. But since the idea that the Jews killed Jesus is one of the most publicized false truths in human history, I wasn’t surprised by how many people on social media believed he was alluding to Jews.

So let me offer a few responses to, “What do you think they’ll do to you???!” Well, for starters we’ll make you some amazing movies, shows, and works of music and art. We’ll give you and the world monotheism, then spend the rest of our born days scared of our mothers. 

So let me offer a few responses to “What do you think they’ll do to you???!”

Well, for starters we’ll make you some amazing movies, shows, and works of music and art. 

We’ll give you and the world monotheism, then spend the rest of our born days scared of our mothers. 

We’re the reason a hillbilly in rural Kentucky knows to say “Oy, vey!” and antisemites in Syria love “Fauda” (but can’t admit it). 

And, of course, we gave the world Mel Brooks. 

But let me go a step further and muse over another question: What would have happened had our ancient Jews anticipated that they would be blamed for Jesus’s death in the decades, centuries and millennia after he died? 

And then, perhaps due to having consumed a copious amount of caffeinated cardamom tea late at night, I wondered what a conversation between the 12 (Jewish) disciples would have sounded like in the days and hours before the Romans crucified Jesus. The following is not meant to offend either Christians or Jews. Crucifixion isn’t funny; it was a sign of Roman cruelty and insecurity. But what happened to Jews for two millennia after his death is another matter — one that still involves Jews today. 

A.D. 30-something

Andrew: Simon, call everyone to the table. I have terrible news. 

Simon: 

Andrew: Simon! Answer me, brother!

Simon: I told you, I go by “Peter” now. I don’t know who this “Simon” is, but “Peter” can help.

Andrew: Alright, Peter. Call everyone together at once. 

Minutes later:

Andrew: I have terrible news: Reb Yeshua has been sentenced to death by the wicked-doers, the Romans, who have wreaked havoc on us all.

Shouts and cries erupt.

John: It’s true that Reb Yeshua [Jesus] has rubbed some of our elders the wrong way, but this is a tragedy beyond description.

Philip: Woe to us all.

Bartholomew: Let them take me. Please, let them take me. 

Andrew: James, you seem to have a question?

John: Pardon me, Andrew, but which James are you referring to? James, son of Zebedee, or James, son of Alphaeus?

Andrew: Zebedee’s hand seemed to have gone up first. Yes, James? What is it?

James: My mourning has already commenced, despite the fact that our darkest hour of loss has not yet arrived. However, I cannot help but ask—

Andrew: Yes?

James: Well, it’s just that-—

Thomas: Say it, friend. And will someone please wake up Thaddaeus!

The disciples shake Thaddaeus, who expresses horror and sorrow upon hearing the news.

James: Well—I plead your forgiveness for my poorly-timed callousness—but is there any chance that we would be blamed for this?

Simon the Zealot (not to be confused with Simon, who is called Peter): Blamed for what?

James: For the death of Jesus, I’m afraid. 

The other disciples scoff and shake their heads. 

Thomas: You mean that we, disciples, would be blamed?

James: Well, not exactly, but, you know, “we.”

Thaddaeus: “We” as we, men?

James: For Pete’s sake! “We” as in “Jews”!

Peter: Please don’t request anything for my sake. I hate when people do that. And how could we be blamed for this tragedy? The traditional Jews don’t even recognize us as belonging to the Judean tribes anymore. 

James: I know, but you’ve never asked yourself whether now, or in the future, Jews would be collectively punished for something?

Andrew: To be honest, I don’t even think we’ll be around for more than a few decades more. The future, whether in 200 or 2,000 years, will belong to the Romans and their descendants. All anyone will remember about the Jews will be the Ten Commandments and that Methuselah died when he was 969.

Matthew: It’s not like we’re that popular now. And I’m noticing a lot of bad stereotypes about us. I can’t even go anywhere without someone calling me “Matthew the tax collector.”

James: What’s wrong with that? You were a tax collector before Jesus found you.

Matthew: I know, but something about that just doesn’t sit well with me. Am I the only one? Doesn’t “Matthew the tax collector,” who happens to be Jewish, sound a bit off?

Andrew: We don’t have time for this nonsense! In a few hours, our teacher and the emblem of kindness will perish. Simon, why are you eating at a time like this?

Simon: Forgive me. Passover (and Shabbat) are starting tonight and my wife prepared “healthy” matzah with what appear to be flour, water and beet juice. I wanted to taste it beforehand.

John: Is that why it looks red?

Simon: Yes. I can’t eat it. To be frank, it looks like blood. 

Philip: You’re overreacting. No one would ever accuse a Jew of using blood in their matzah. The world has not lost its mind, Simon, nor is it that bigoted. 

Bartholomew: Friends, even if the Jews were to be blamed for this terrible death, we would be immune, wouldn’t we? It’s not as if in the eyes of our enemies, “a Jew is a Jew” regardless of whether he or she strictly observes Jewish laws, is it?

The disciples shake their heads in vigorous agreement that a Jew is not a Jew. 

John: Perhaps the world will only blame Judas Iscariot.

Andrew: But he’s a Jew!

John: Oh, right. Friends, we are worrying over nothing. The Romans are the wave of the future. Maybe Jews will be blamed for a few years, but we simply won’t be around long enough to survive. If the Jews outlive the Romans and everyone else, then I predict that one day, we will also have driverless chariots and chocolate hummus. 

Clamoring and shouts of “Perish the thought!”

Andrew: We must end this idle chatter. This is a sorrowful, terrible night. 

Those were just some of the conversations produced by my imagination when I thought about whether Jews in the time of Jesus, even the rebellious ones, had an inkling about the blood libels of the Jewish future. Eventually, I decided to call it a night, but not before praying for the souls of all Jews who have perished as a result of false accusations over millennia, and asking G-d to protect us from harsh words and harsh actions today. 

As far as Jamie Foxx goes, I hope he’ll learn that when someone betrays you, best to keep other “dudes” out of it, even a “dude” named Jesus. Otherwise, what do you think he’ll do to you???!

Tabby Refael is an award-winning writer, speaker and weekly columnist for The Jewish Journal of Greater Los Angeles. Follow her on Instagram and X (Twitter sounded better) @TabbyRefael