Beware the Woke Straws

I step up to the cash register to order my morning drug: my cup of coffee. Ahh, I think. I can’t wait to smell and taste that delightful beverage that has gotten me through daily life ever since I started drinking it when I was 14 years old.

The barista calls my name and order: “Large iced coffee! Kylie!”

“Thank you!” I say merrily. “May I have a straw please?”

The barista hands it to me. I unwrap it.

Oh no. It’s a paper straw.

I fall to my knees, look up to the ceiling and scream. Somehow, rain starts falling on me. Lightning strikes in the distance. 

Just kidding. What actually happens is I unwrap the straw, grumble when I see that it’s paper and begrudgingly place it into my coffee.

“Damn these woke straws,” I say under my breath.

The paper straws are indicative of the lunacy that’s happening in California lawmaking. While criminals are running rampant, homelessness encampments are taking over city sidewalks, inflation and gas prices are astronomical and housing prices are laughable, California’s choosing to focus on virtual signaling laws. 

We’re banning plastic straws and charging for plastic bags, making people ask for utensils and not automatically serving diners water anymore. We’re getting rid of gas leaf blowers and lawnmowers, restricting the sales of flavored tobacco products and requiring large department stores to use gender-neutral displays for children’s toothbrushes and toys. 

A few weeks ago, I woke up to a crime scene on my block – a block where a teardown starter home is $1.6 million. It turns out that dozens of cops were there because the previous night, a homeless man had hit another homeless man on the head with a bottle, killing him. I saw the body being taken away. 

Just days prior, my family and I came home from a vacation and found out $400 worth of packages had been stolen from us. We watched on our security footage as FedEx delivered the packages, failed to bring them onto our porch and instead left them outside of our gate and in less than four minutes, thieves stole them. 

“These people follow the delivery trucks, so that doesn’t surprise me,” one of the crime scene cops told my husband and I.

“So, what’s being done?” I asked.

“Nothing. We could catch these guys a dozen times, and the DA just lets them go.”

I’ve never been a fan of virtue signaling laws. When I heard that Mayor Michael Bloomberg was trying to ban Big Gulps, I rolled my eyes. 

I’ve never been a fan of virtue signaling laws. When I heard that Mayor Michael Bloomberg was trying to ban Big Gulps, I rolled my eyes. Let people decide what’s good for their health. Stick to the real issues, politicians. 

Back to the paper straws. I hate them because they dissolve in your drink and become unusable after 10 minutes. I don’t like those wooden spoons that come with ice cream and Italian ices either. They don’t feel good in my mouth, and they have a taste. Unlike plastic, they disrupt the flavor of food and beverages. 

I understand that people are concerned about the environmental impact of plastic. And they don’t want plastic straws to end up in the ocean. Paper straws require us to cut down trees, so there are still sustainability issues with them. Many kinds of paper straws are not recyclable or compostable, either. Isn’t that the entire point? 

Also, what about people who require plastic straws, especially ones that bend? Some people with disabilities need plastic straws to drink. Getting rid of plastic straws would be detrimental to their health. 

I’m not against an environmentally friendly straw option. But we also need one that isn’t going to dissolve in our drinks. 

“Carry around a metal straw,” you may be thinking. Sure, in an ideal world, I would. I have one. But I forget to bring it with me all the time. I also always forget my reusable bags in the car when I go grocery shopping. Hey, don’t hate me: at least I use my 10-cent plastic bags for picking up dog poop. 

Someone has to develop a better straw. I believe we can do it. This is America, where dreams can come true. 

My dream is for California, my home, to be more affordable, safer and cleaner. That’s a big ask. So in the meantime, just give me a freakin’ plastic straw.

Kylie Ora Lobell is the Community and Arts Editor of the Jewish Journal.