Satirical Semite: Los Angeles and London’s Very Special Relationship

The relationship is over and everybody knows it: it is now seven weeks away from the Brexit date of January 31. Brad Pitt’s BAFTA acceptance speech in February 2020 consoled Britain on being single after its divorce from the EU. I now ask on of behalf of London, “Los Angeles, will you date me?”

We’ll make a great couple. You have great looks and we have English muffins. A Californian once told me he went to see “Downtown Abbey” at the Hollywood Arclight and was disappointed it wasn’t a downtown cop drama. We can even change that to please you and make a semi-automatic shoot-up Shakespeare movie.

I will even hold off buying the MAGBA hat that has been on my July 4 shopping list. It has a picture of Her Majesty the Queen along with white lettering on a red background that reads “Make America Great [Britain] Again.”

I once nearly got beaten up on one July 4 by wearing a Union Jack flag draped over my back while at a music festival in Northern California. America celebrated its independence by choosing a very original red, white and blue color scheme for its flag that was exactly the same as the red, white and blue color scheme from the nation it rejected. But maybe that was a secret message that you still love us after all?

We will make a great couple, Los Angeles and London. We think you’re hot! Seriously. Like, 80 degrees in winter with long sunny days, versus London’s chilly cold damp nights where it gets dark at 3:45 p.m.

There may be a big age gap between us, but that is normal in Los Angeles. America is 244 years old, the Kingdom of Great Britain was established in 1707, which makes us 313 years old. We are 69 years older, and that’s a fun number to make any relationship work.

We will even relocate. How about we move London to the central coast of California and bring the River Thames to solve your water crisis? It will be like a trial houseshare arrangement where we start by sleeping in the guest room. When you invite us into the master suite you don’t even have to call us master. (Although you can if you want to.)

In Genesis 32:4, Jacob sent messengers and peace offerings to his estranged brother Esau, and we have already sent you our representative Prince Harry along with the lovely peace offering Meghan Markle. You have signed their Netflix deal, so how about we seal my proposed deal?

We have already sent you our representative Prince Harry along with the lovely peace offering Meghan Markle.

Last week, I walked through a British street and suddenly felt like I was back home in Los Angeles. I realized it was prompted by the smell of weed wafting through the air. The green wave hasn’t yet reached London, but even as a non-smoker I would be willing to lobby Parliament to set up California-style green pharmacies on the street corners. It may help British members of Parliament relax from the pressures of Brexit.

We may have one disagreement if London and Los Angeles hook up together. An Angeleno journalist friend of mine once said that her career has been reporting on elections, fires and school shootings. That is horrific. The U.S. Constitution gives people the right to bear arms, but in 1689 Britain restricted that right, and it is illegal for people to carry a knife longer than three inches. How about we both try a detox for 12 months, where you give up guns and we give up our three-inch knives? Besides, bringing three inches isn’t much use in any relationship.

The British media is scaremongering that the end of trade deals with the EU means we will have to import chlorinated chickens from America rather than supposedly ‘clean’ chickens from Europe. They completely ignore the fact that it is very hard to find a decent range of organic fruit and vegetables in a British supermarket, which means everything is already doused in chemicals, not to mention the vast number of people who already drink non-filtered chlorinated water. I propose you take us on a first date to Whole Foods, wining and dining us in the organic vegetable aisle. Perhaps we can end the night jumping into a hot jacuzzi filled with cold-pressed green juice. #whaaaaat

So America, what do you say? Let’s open up the skies and fly away together at the end of January. We’ll bring the tea and a nice piece of crumpet.

Marcus J Freed is an actor, filmmaker and marketing specialist. www.freedthinking.com