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Why Is it So Hard to Tell People Our Real Age?

What I now realize is if I can’t accept myself for who and what I am, how can I expect others to accept me?
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May 12, 2020

At Marvin and Dora’s 50th wedding anniversary, Marvin toasts, “May my lovely Dora live till 119 and may I live till 120.” Someone asks, “Why you to 120 and Dora 119?” Marvin responds, “So I can have at least one year of peace and quiet.”

It’s common for a Jew to tell another Jew that he or she hopes that person lives to be 120. That’s because Moses lived till 120. But Moses was a mountain climber, so he was probably in better shape than most of us.

The way things are going and the way I’m already stiffening up, I can’t imagine being able to lift even a pinky at 120.

It’s common for a Jew to tell another Jew that he or she hopes that person lives to be 120. That’s because Moses lived till 120. But Moses was a mountain climber, so he was probably in better shape than most of us.

Since I was young, I’ve had trouble telling people my real age. When I was 10, I told people I was 12. In show business, you’re asked what age range you think you are. That would be great in real life. “How old are you?” “I’m between 37 and 44.”

Age has always spooked me. Last year an old friend from high school came to visit me. He looked so old that I chased him out of my dressing room.

Once while on a date, I told the woman I was 10 years younger than I was. After I told a friend what I’d done, he asked me why I lied. I said because I was afraid she wouldn’t want to go out with me. He said, “That’s ridiculous. You’re a good person and she won’t care. It’s what’s inside you that counts.” So I told her my real age and she immediately dumped me. I guess she couldn’t see inside of me.

Just so I can feel younger, the only people I tell my real age are people much older than I am.

Men are infamous for leaving their wives for younger models. And women leave their husbands for the pool maintenance guy. That’s why I never installed a pool and I live in a “maintenance free” home.

Just so I can feel younger, the only people I tell my real age are people much older than I am. A few weeks ago, I was with the great comedian Shecky Greene, who’s in his mid-90s. When I told him how old I was, he looked disappointed. He seemed to be hoping for someone much younger to be sitting next to him.

I’m only now starting to accept my age because I’m finally starting to accept who I am. When I was younger, aging represented failure. I felt I should be more successful for my age. About 20 years ago, I told a great writer-friend Hubert Selby Jr., who has since died, that I thought I should be more successful by now. He said, “I guess I should also.”

The truth is it’s always been painful to lie about age. It’s been painful not to tell people exactly who I am. Whenever anyone finds out how old I am, it means very little to them. In fact, they mostly have nice things to say. “You look young for your age.” “You look in good shape for your age.” Sometimes they can’t believe it.

What I now realize is if I can’t accept myself for who and what I am, how can I expect others to accept me? And isn’t acceptance a big key to life? Accepting yourself and others. Isn’t acceptance one key to a happy marriage and raising well-adjusted kids? When I’m upset or not happy with someone, it’s because there is something in them that I am not willing to accept or something in me that I’m not willing to accept. In order for me to change something that I don’t like about myself, I have to first accept it in myself.

But the one thing I can’t change, no matter how hard I try, is my age. I’m stuck with it. Even the great Jack Benny professed to be no more than 39. So, if you want to know exactly how old I am, next birthday I’ll be somewhere between 30 and 120. If you don’t accept that, then look it up in IMDB.


Mark Schiff is a comedian, actor and writer.

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