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Dating Lessons from Netflix’s “Jewish Matchmaking”

Dating coach Aleeza Ben Shalom boasts that she’s helped over 200 couples get married.
[additional-authors]
June 8, 2023
Courtesy of Netflix

If you’re watching “Jewish Matchmaking” expecting it to be the Jewish “Jersey Shore,” change your expectations. You will see 25 dates, none of which get hot and heavy on screen. Nobody fights and barely anything comes close to an argument. We don’t even see if the bad first dates get an awkward side-hug as they part ways forever.  The closest any of the daters come to marriage (let alone becoming a couple) is to their list of deal breakers in a mate, which they’re attached to until death do them part.

But I must confess that after watching all eight episodes, I was somewhat bored. The show’s cast pulls off a rare feat: They’re both trainwrecks and dull. Awkward (but not too awkward) first dates, an underwhelming amount of chemistry between the daters, nobody makes out with anybody and no epilogue letting us know if any of the daters are still together. But even though reality dating shows are not in my regular streaming rotation, I rewatched all eight episodes.

During my second viewing, I noted the takeaways from the show’s host, matchmaker and dating coach Aleeza Ben Shalom. She boasts that she’s helped over 200 couples get married. Again, there was no epilogue on the show, so if you want to know which on-screen daters are part of that 200, look it up on Reddit. 

But above all, Ben Shalom showcases and respects the diversity amongst a spectrum of Jewish-seeking-Jewish daters — and this proves to be the show’s key virtue. So here’s some dating advice you’ll pick up watching Netflix’s “Jewish Matchmaking”: 

Define what “I want a Jewish partner” means to you. 

Ben Shalom’s strengths are in what she asks her clients — particularly on what a “finding a Jewish partner” means to them.  And it’s more than a yes or no to keeping Shabbat, eating kosher, being Reform, Conservative, Orthodox or Flexidox. Ben Shalom’s intake questions on “Jewish Matchmaking” have an undercurrent of self-reflection on your own Jewish practice — and taking ownership of it — in order to find a match who wants to grow with you. The show doesn’t cater to fully-disengaged Jewish people — even the most secular Jew on the show is talking to a Jewish matchmaker and seeking someone to share and celebrate their Jewish identity. Ben Shalom’s curious questions might even inspire viewers to discover their own meaningful path of being Jewish. 

Google “things NOT to do on a first date.” Try not to do most of them.  

On a show with at least a dozen first dates, cringeworthy moments are expected — most of which are by Los Angeles’ own Ori. Don’t be late for your second date and give a chickens–t excuse like Daniel gave to Cindy in Tel Aviv. Don’t be like David on the fifth date and say to Dani, “I’m ready for the makeout sesh.” And try not to be as smug as Shaya. So do a Google  search for a list of dating no-no’s. For extra credit, ask Google’s empathetic cousin, ChatGPT. 

Unless you’re willing to move, don’t date someone who is geographically unavailable.

Why are we attempting to set up people who are geographically unavailable to each other? Aron lives in Vermont and he’s on a date with Harmonie in Los Angeles. Shaun flew in from Hawaii to go see if Dani is a match — in Los Angeles (Dani was visiting L.A. for a wedding). One of the Noahs’ dates flies to meet him in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. At least Ori seeks to date someone who also lives in Los Angeles (hey, a broken clock is right twice a day). If the Jewish dating pool in your locality is miniscule, by all means, look outside of your area code. And if you have to, outside of your timezone.

Hang a question mark on your deal breakers.

Age, nationality, height, hair, beards, eyebrows (yes, eyebrows are a dealbreaker for Dani) — loosen up on some of your deal breakers and see if you get surprised by who you click with. Other entertaining deal breakers that come up during Ben Shalom’s intake interviews of her clients are passionate sex and spontaneous travel (Harmonie), riding motorcycles and using guns (Nakysha), and “doesn’t need to be told why ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’ is funny” (Stuart). 

Ask your friends if they think you’re being unreasonable.

We meet the friends of Dani, Ori, and Noah #2. The conversations aren’t exactly riveting but the setup is worth emulating. Bring up some of your oddly-specific dealbreakers to your friends and see if they say you’re stepping on your own toes with unreasonable expectations. 

If you’re going to be sarcastic, use more charm than deadpan.

When Ori tells his first date Adi that he’s a porn actor (he isn’t), his deadpan will make you cringe. Instead, watch how Stuart, a 51-year-old man from Chicago uses sarcasm effortlessly. When Stuart’s date commented on her own outfit (which revealed her shoulders), Stuart responded, “oh I was also thinking of wearing something where my shoulders are showing but it’s my Judaism that prevented me from doing that.” You had to be there. 

Before going into the dating pool again, do a “dating detox” on your previous relationships.

This is probably the most important thing to do for anyone jumping back into the dating pool. Ben Shalom does an assessment with Cindy in Tel Aviv that she calls a “dating detox” which is an intense, introspective look at your previous relationships. It requires three things that are scarce in today’s smartphone society: paper, a pen, and a distraction-free block of time. The dating detox is a mind-dump of negative experiences from dating, lists of fears, memories of what worked, lessons on what didn’t, what you loved about previous relationships and what you hated.  “Lighten the luggage of the things you’ve been carrying around,” Ben Shalom says before asking “do you feel like you’ve processed the previous relationship properly?” In other words, think hard about what your role was in the dissolution of your previous relationships. This will help you create a list of internal things you need to work on. 

You can’t let the dating mistakes of the past determine your romantic future, but they certainly should inform it. 

There is a sobering moment in episode seven when Nakysha from Kansas City mentions that her previous partners treated her terribly. The topic is brushed aside on screen, but it comes with an important lesson: recognizing repeated destructive dating patterns (by you or your previous partners) and finding the support to break them. Ben Shalom also says that in her experience, 35% of the people who break up eventually get back together. She also doesn’t say that getting back together with an ex is a good thing. This is where the dating detox will help keep you from swimming back to the crazy end of the dating pool again … and again. 

“When in doubt, go out.”

“If you’ve been on a first date, or a second or a fifth or a 10th — I don’t care how many dates — and you don’t have clarity, go out,” Ben Shalom says. And as the dates with the same person add up, and the mutual interest sustains, don’t make the mistake of letting up on taking initiative. As Dani says, “If you want to see me, make an effort,” adding “I’m not scared of hurting [David’s] feelings. Sort your s–t out or, you know, don’t f–k with me.”

Analysis Paralysis is real, and dating apps exasperate it.

Dating is a losing numbers game, especially if you’re on the apps. Nobody dates everyone they match with, and the growing number of matches can actually stifle your decision-making. 

“Their head starts to spin out, and their heart starts feeling different things,” Ben Shalom said about analysis paralysis. “Their emotions are going up and down and their head’s going in another direction, and usually it lands them in a big pile of confusion, and they don’t know what to do with themselves.” Cindy from Tel Aviv says on the show that if you match with 100 people on a dating app, 50 will answer, 30 will answer only one time, 15 will keep talking with you, 10 will ask you on a date, five will go out with you and two will fit what you’re looking for. She then laments that in her experience, that two drops to zero. Which brings us to one of Ben Shalom’s timeless pearls of wisdom …

“My biggest piece of advice to people who are looking is never give up.” – Aleeza Ben Shalom

“Never give up.”

“My biggest piece of advice to people who are looking is never give up,” Ben Shalom says. “If you want to find your person, never give up. Maybe I’m going to introduce you. Maybe a dating app is going to pop somebody up, and we’re going to say yes, no or maybe based on your criteria. To me, I don’t care if I make your match. I care that you get married to the right person.”

A few more things to keep in mind:  

  • Accept them as they are — don’t date potential. 
  • Leave them as good as you found them (don’t be an asshole). 
  • Calling someone “simple” is not a compliment. 
  • If you have a child or are divorced, be upfront about it. A lot of potential suitors won’t mind, but some will run and not look back. Don’t waste anyone’s time — including yours. 
  • If you know by the second date that it’s not going to work out, don’t take two-and-a-half years to tell them.
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