Ivy League Buyer’s Remorse

The following is a piece of creative writing, yet possibly being replicated by students across the country.

May 11, 2025

Dear Western Valley Admissions Office,

I trust all the Mighty Turtles are well. Surely better off than schools in the Ivy League that now find themselves inadvertently recruiting top students for you.

I am sure you won’t remember me. Two years ago, I was the valedictorian of my high school class in neighboring Bearsville, where I rode the bench on the baseball team and played second clarinet in the marching band. That may not sound very impressive, but in addition to carrying a 4.46 GPA, I received a 5 on the AP exam on Chinese Language and Culture, best in the state, even though my last name is Schwartz and my mother is Jamaican.

What can I say: diversity works in mysterious ways.

I was admitted to Harvard—without receiving any financial assistance. Most of my high school friends have been attending Western Valley.

I admit I was excited to finally leave the drab Midwest for a taste of Northeastern culture and the privilege of attending the nation’s oldest and most prestigious university.

But while sitting in Cambridge last year, and in Manhattan now, I have followed my old friends on Instagram, and they seem so happy. Almost everyone I have spoken to, especially the two who are Jews, just love collegiate life at Western Valley.

They report that your professors have taught them to open their minds to the vast repository of knowledge available within the liberal arts. All viewpoints are apparently welcome—liberal and conservative. Political discussions are respectfully received. Apparently, a wide variety of conservative thinkers are on your faculty, and the syllabi are always well balanced and thought-provoking rather than indoctrinating.

Shockingly, Palestine is not the most important subject at Western Valley, and the Palestinian people are subject to an appropriate level of blame for their own suffering.

I occasionally peruse the Western Valley website. I see that you invite speakers of differing viewpoints to campus. No “safe spaces” are offered; no “trigger warnings” are issued; and “microaggressions” are treated for what they are: micro in nature. How refreshing. You can’t find “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn” on an Ivy League syllabus, and anyone caught reading the writings of an ancient Greek is shunned.

You can’t find “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn” on an Ivy League syllabus, and anyone caught reading the writings of an ancient Greek is shunned.

It seems that for a book to make it onto a Western Valley syllabus, it must do more than simply “represent” the color or identity of the person writing it. It must be brilliant and illuminate something other than race or gender.

I am told you host debates on campus where the audience votes on who was most persuasive. Hecklers shouting down a speaker are summarily suspended.

My Jewish friends boast that they can walk around campus without being chased by shrieking masked morons or prevented access to a building unless they publicly denounce Israel and acknowledge that it is the worst human rights violator on the planet. The campus Hillel is not a boycotted campus entity.

Lastly, given my biracial roots, I was impressed to learn that your students of color are acing organic chemistry and computer science. Here in the Ivy League, we tend to drop out of STEM and end up with majors like African-American Studies, Middle Eastern Studies, Gender Studies, Queer Studies and Indigenous Literature Studies. If a diploma confers a degree with “Studies” in the title, prepare yourself to be jobless.

My overall experience at Harvard, and then Columbia where I transferred for my sophomore year, has been lousy. And that’s why I am writing you now.

My sad story is a cautionary tale. You offered me a full scholarship even though the cost of your tuition, as a state school, was already modest. I wasn’t required to perform any work-study or play that infernal clarinet in the Mighty Turtles band. What’s more: you threw in a new MacBook Air to sweeten the deal.

My parents took out a second mortgage on our house to pay for Harvard. I worked in one of the dining rooms as a freshman; this year I worked in the library at Columbia.

That’s where I am writing from now—Butler Library—on a MacBook Air that my parents paid for. I am trying to be more quiet than usual. Yes, it’s a library, of course, but over 100 pro-Hamas activists have taken the building hostage, all keffiyeh-clad while shouting genocidal slogans—during finals! Here’s a sample of a slogan that can’t possibly be protected by the First Amendment: “Bring Back the Final Solution, Intifada Revolution!”

I left Harvard after last year’s encampments with the parading of Palestinian flags and the torching of American ones. I knew Columbia was bad, but I didn’t realize it would be worse! My first two years at college have been miserable, and not just because I am half-Jewish. I am not religious, and no one can detect my mixed ancestry because I am light-skinned and wear my hair in dreadlocks. Only when I answer to “Mr. Schwartz” in class does the fun begin.

I am ashamed to admit: I asked my parents if I could legally change my name so my time spent in the Ivy League might improve. Truth be told, most students resent that they are made to endure compulsory political activism over the attainment of knowledge.

It’s like I have been attending college with awakened sleeper cells from Islamic Jihad, al Qaeda and the Baader-Meinhof Gang.

It’s like I have been attending college with awakened sleeper cells from Islamic Jihad, al Qaeda and the Baader-Meinhof Gang.

I regret that I made a colossal mistake in not accepting your generous offer. What a relief it must be, especially for a Jew, that you would never tolerate pro-Hamas campus takeovers. You would suspend the hero worshippers of terrorists who were never here to learn. And professors with political agendas would be sent packing.

Instead, I can report to you that Columbia is overrun with deportation officers from Homeland Security, revoking the F-1 visas of terrorist-supporting foreign students. I don’t recall whether you admit many international students, at all. At Columbia, 37 percent of the student body are not Americans—and far too many hail from terrorist enclaves.

So, let me get to the point: May I transfer to Western Valley for my final two years of college? I would like to finally experience a real place of higher learning, and not a school co-opted by pro-Hamas hijinks.

I will pay the full tuition. I’ll even dust off my clarinet and bring my own MacBook Air.

Sincerely,

Ajani Schwartz

Thane Rosenbaum is a novelist, essayist, law professor and Distinguished University Professor at Touro University, where he directs the Forum on Life, Culture & Society. He is the legal analyst for CBS News Radio. His most recent book is titled “Saving Free Speech … From Itself,” and his forthcoming book is titled, “Beyond Proportionality: Israel’s Just War in Gaza.”