One of the most accepted truths of the Jewish tradition, and of the world at large, is to “love your neighbor as yourself.” And since today is Valentine’s Day, the day of love, what better time to revisit the oldest saying about love?
We’ve been hearing this “love your neighbor” saying for so long it rarely dawns on us that it may be overlooking something. For example, what if I hate myself? What if I’m depressed and abuse myself? What if, deep down, the confident, self-loving front I show the world is covering up feelings of self-loathing?
Is that the kind of love I should show my neighbor?
For better or worse, self-hatred— and the emotional ills attached to it– is so prevalent throughout our society that treating it has become a billion-dollar industry. And yet, we keep promoting the golden rule, which assumes that because we put our own interests first, we must love ourselves.
As natural as that may sound, reality and psychology often tell a different story.
Even the ultimate self-lovers, the narcissists, are not what they seem. A recent study reported by BBC indicates that “unlike Narcissus staring at himself reflecting in the pool, many narcissists actually aren’t in love with themselves after all. Quite the opposite, in fact.”
Much of the time, the study showed, “a narcissist’s behavior isn’t driven by self-love – rather, self-hatred… narcissistic behavior like flexing on social media might come from low self-esteem and a constant need for self-validation.”
The point is this: We shouldn’t assume that people love themselves more than they love their neighbors. Many people, in fact, treat neighbors far better than they treat themselves. It’s a lot easier to be respectful and polite with those who don’t remind us of our inner demons.
Many people treat neighbors far better than they treat themselves. It’s a lot easier to be respectful and polite with those who don’t remind us of our inner demons.
I remember speaking to a therapist once about how some people are more courteous with strangers they encounter during the day than they are with their spouse. It’s the old idea that “familiarity brings contempt.” That same principle can apply to individuals. Self-loathers, after all, are only too familiar with the traits they hate about themselves.
If some of what I’m suggesting here rings true, the real question becomes: How do we increase our self-love so that we have more of it to give to others?
For the millions who don’t love themselves, but who show impeccable courtesy with the outside world, maybe we ought to flip the golden rule: “Love yourself as your neighbors.” Start by being as courteous and respectful with yourself as you are with strangers.
And then, you’ll be more likely to be courteous with your loved ones. In the world of love, courtesy is just as important as a dozen roses.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
