The following is a work of satire. Do not heed any of the advice offered by this writer.
When it rains, Los Angeles drivers are known to be charmingly inept. Due to the general dearth of rain in Southern California that leaves most of us with little experience driving on wet roads, coupled with the ubiquity of oil and debris on the roads, Angelenos are known to exhibit signs of severe discombobulation at the first trickle of water on our windshields.
When it rains in LA, celebrities run for cover after the first drop of water on their solar panels. But first, they stand outside, snap a selfie and post it on Instagram with the caption, “The rain frees me.” And at the first sound of rain, anxious bartenders on Sunset Boulevard compulsively prop superfluous cocktail umbrellas into glasses of straight vodka or whiskey.
Whether you have recently arrived in Los Angeles County, which, according to the National Weather Service, is under a flood watch this week, or have lived in this city long enough to remember when Rite Aid used to be Thrifty, here is a thoughtful guide to driving in LA when it rains (perish the thought).
Rain in Los Angeles can be confounding. First, ensure that the gear of your vehicle is not placed in the “R” (reverse) position as you prepare to drive. If you are not certain whether you are driving your vehicle in reverse, roll down your driver-side window and see if you are able to read clearly the text of the billboards promoting films that went over-budget behind you. If you can still read the teaser line behind you about a troubled Brad Pitt (in whatever film he’s starring in this month), you are probably driving backward on Venice Boulevard (again).
Once you have identified the correct gears, move forward at a reasonable rate and turn on your windshield wipers. If your vehicle is newer and also has the option of rear windshield wipers, turn them on as well and laugh heartily at every plebeian driver beside you who does not have the same luxury. Honk at them. Make suggestive faces. Jump up and down on your driver’s seat (but keep your seat belt on). Boo and hiss. These people should have thought about whether they would have enough funds left for rear-glass wipers before applying for all those pesky student loans to attend college.
Often, the defroster setting on your vehicle’s air conditioner will not be enough to remove the fog on your windshield, and you may be forced to crack open your passenger window for up to 35 seconds. Take note that when you roll down your window, you are exposing yourself to the merciless harshness of the elements, and your wrists (and possibly your forearm) may be exposed to rain. It will be jarring and uncomfortable; your sleeve may even remain damp for several minutes. Simply drive to the nearest bar or restaurant that serves alcohol; a nice, warm Moscow Mule with a superfluous, but jolly, cocktail umbrella in it will help take your mind off of the trauma of your earlier wet-wrist fiasco.
When it rains in LA, it’s imperative to drive as closely as possible to the vehicle in front of you, even closer than you normally drive. Do not offer an inch of space or wiggle room, and as a courtesy to the driver behind you, make regular, abrupt stops. If someone should frantically honk at you, they are undoubtedly jealous of your rear windshield wipers. And in case anyone proceeds to remind you that the California Driver Handbook clearly states, “You must drive slower when there is heavy traffic or bad weather,” quickly roll down your window and respond to the other driver in the affirmative: “Correct! You must drive slower!”
Parking is a maddening challenge in LA and finding a good parking space is even more impossible when it rains. Your only choices for rainy day parking are to park in a closed-roof garage, where you will pay $33 every 15 minutes, or to simply park your vehicle on the sidewalk and hope no one notices. If you choose the latter option, I recommend the intersection of Hollywood and Highland; park your SUV on the sidewalk, at the entrance to a souvenir shop. You will be doing both locals and tourists a favor by diverting foot traffic at an otherwise cramped and insufferable intersection — one of the worst in the city.
If you are driving in Beverly Hills in the rain, it is generally wise to maintain a distance of three Teslas, rather than two.
If common sense motivates you to maintain a two-vehicle distance, be alert about your environment. If you are driving in Beverly Hills in the rain, it is generally wise to maintain a distance of three Teslas, rather than two. But as advised above, driving as close as possible to the vehicle in front of you during the rain, while shouting and hissing, is the safest way to ensure that you arrive home safely to your loved ones, your TV screen fireplace and your robot vacuum.
Stay safe and stay dry, Angelenos.
Writer’s Note: In all seriousness, the National Weather Service has warned of a hazardous storm and flash flood risk in Southern California and is urging residents to take extra precautions, including driving slower and more carefully to avoid collisions, skidding and hydroplaning. Please be extra vigilant when driving in the rain, as the California Highway Patrol often reports a spike in collisions during rainy weather. State officials are asking California residents to pay careful attention to local weather system warnings and to stay home and off the roads whenever possible.
Tabby Refael is an award-winning, LA-based writer, speaker and civic action activist. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram @TabbyRefael
