Satirical Semite: How to Pull off a Pulitzer

The start of the pandemic was thrilling. We dived into war mode, bunked down at home, locked the doors and put on tracksuits. We ran to supermarkets and bought all of the toilet rolls in case diarrhea swept the nation, purchased every water bottle lest there was a sudden drought and tried spending our cash before germ-spreading dollar bills were banned. “Finally!” we said, “I shall write my novel. But first, I shall watch one episode of Netflix.” And so, swathes of would-be novelists got lost in “Schitt’s Creek.” At least they had plenty of toilet paper.

Was it possible to be creative and productive during lockdown despite the madness? If creative productivity meant watching every rom-com on my Netflix list then I look forward to receiving a Pulitzer. I was determined to create as much art as possible during lockdown. Some content creators were so productive that there were at least five different parody music videos of “My Corona” and with the help of WhatsApp groups, they spread faster than the virus. I spent a week filming a music parody video called “Corona Matata” but then killed the project when friends’ parents started dying from COVID. It’s hard to imagine there were many comedy songs being written during the Spanish Flu pandemic of 1918 or the Black Plague of 1665. The latter allegedly inspired the “Ring a ring o’ roses” lyrics “A-tishoo! A-tishoo! We all fall down.” The safest corona-era move was to triple-lock the front door for safety and fall down on the sofa holding the remote control in lieu of a lifebuoy ring.

If creative productivity meant watching every rom-com on my Netflix list then I look forward to receiving a Pulitzer.

In order to be fully creative and have the mental stamina to sit and write our new-and-improved version of “War and Peace,” it was important to get fit or stay fit or think about getting fit. It’s the thought that counts since this is the 21st century and we are all masters of manifesting our desires. But getting fit causes calorie-depletion, and we felt sorry for the minimum-wage workers who were losing business, so used some of our charitable donations to support the drivers of food delivery services. During a brief summer lockdown hiatus, British Prime Minister Boris Johnson launched the “Eat Out to Help Out” scheme, which encouraged people to patronize restaurants and buy government-subsidized meals. Getting fit and staying healthy is important, but so is civil duty and helping our fellow citizens. I admire my friends and family who ate as many burgers and desserts as their stomachs could stomach.

Foregoing workouts and replacing them with eat-outs was the epitome of selflessness. I just hope future generations appreciate our sacrifices so that they can live in a better world. They probably won’t. People rarely learn from history, and one day they will suddenly find that they too have to go to restaurants and stuff their faces with high-calorie meals so that they can save the planet. Serves them right.

Fortunately the culinary legacy of Ray Kroc came to the rescue. While the kosher and healthy eaters among us may not be clients of McDonald’s, the food behemoth has become even more successful than ever before during the lockdown, and the company is planning to open hundreds of new restaurants while hiring tens of thousands of new workers. A piece in Fortune referred to McDonald’s’ “new holistic strategy,” which sounds a bit like holistic food or holistic healing, which it isn’t. “Accelerating the Arches” is their masterplan to improve the McDonald’s “three D’s” of drive-thru, delivery and digital. They have shaved 30 seconds off drive-thru times so that people can get their fast food even faster. This is a wonderful initiative since it frees up time that people can use to accelerate their home fitness programs and novel-writing sessions.

110,000 food and drink establishments closed across the U.S., so at least McDonald’s is providing employment. In 2003 the word “McJob” entered the Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary, to describe “a low-paying, low-prestige dead-end job that requires few skills and offers very little chance of advancement.” This is snobbish, since it is honorable to earn a living. A McJob is a McJob and at least they can happily feed their family a Happy Meal, which is better than no meal at all.

I would like to regret not being more productive during lockdown but a French girl once said to me “Marcus, I always do what I feel and never regret anything.” The next morning I regretted being suppressed and missing the opportunity, but at least I learned a lesson. The lockdown is over. No regrets. Today is a great day to switch off Netflix, go for a run, start writing the novel and be thankful that McDonald’s isn’t kosher.

Marcus J Freed is an Actor, Filmmaker & Business Consultant www.marcusjfreed.com.