Crossing the Rubicon

Sometimes slowly and sometimes quickly, my body is deteriorating at such a rate it’s nerve-wracking. With a stiff wind at my back, I can still move like I did at 65. Without that wind, “Hey, guys, wait up.” 

Yes, I exercise and eat healthy. But nothing stops this rockslide. Even with a good night’s sleep, I still look like I’ve been lost at sea for a year. I lose most of my muscle mass if I go three days without doing push-ups. One day, off my cholesterol meds, my numbers shot up 100 points. I have a condition called dry eyes that feels like they’ve been crazy-glued shut while I’m sleeping. Upon awakening, I use my thumb and forefinger to pull my eyes apart.

I stopped smoking, drinking, and chasing women way before email was invented. And yes, kids, we chased women back in my day. FYI, we called them girls back then. If I saw a girl I thought was in my wheelhouse, I’d saunter up and start a chat. Now, if you try that and say hello, you’d best have a good lawyer.  

I used to collect baseball cards, but now I’m collecting age spots, sun spots, liver spots and my favorite, solar lentigines. Because of my sizeable fiber intake, I hold all business meetings from my Toto toilet.  After getting out of bed, I stumble and walk into the walls.  You’d think I was coming off a world-class bender. While looking into the bathroom mirror one morning, I bellowed, “Oh my God.”

I used to collect baseball cards, but now I’m collecting age spots, sun spots, liver spots and my favorite, solar lentigines…After getting out of bed, I stumble and walk into the walls.   

I used to have occasional aches and pains that came and went. Now, like squatters, these refuse to depart.

At least 15 years ago, I had all my teeth pulled out. It was, by far, the best thing I have ever done. I highly recommend it. If you don’t want to pay the dentist the big bucks, look on Amazon and get the “A Self-Instructional Guide: The Removal of Teeth.”  You can pull them out yourself while watching your big screen.

I spent some big bucks and had a particular type of implant installed that allowed me to snap my false teeth in. The snap-on system worked perfectly.  But when my wife and I were on an African safari, my lower inner gum line became inflamed. I spent the next week in Africa, barely able to chew soup without bottom teeth. Not wearing the teeth caused part of my head to cave in, making the photo of me on my driver’s license look good.

When my son saw a photo of me in Africa, he asked, “Did you have your teeth in?”  “No.” “I knew it.” There was a time when I would have been so embarrassed that I might have spent that week in my hotel room. But things change when you get older. You move from “I’m not going out like this” to “Who cares?” 

When I first got these teeth, I would not go in front of my wife or kids without them. I still don’t unless I must. Thank God I still have some sense of self-respect. I promise never to become one of those grandparents who pull out their teeth to shock or get a laugh from the grandkids.

When I returned from Africa, an hour after our Air France flight landed, I was in the dental chair. After scraping the denture part that had rubbed my gums, I was back in business, munching on rock-hard carrots and jicama.

Now, let’s get to the latest entry: my hearing. For years, my wife has been telling me that I am hard of hearing. I disagreed and asked her to speak louder and not from three rooms away with all the doors closed. So, to appease her, I made an appointment with an audiologist for an evaluation. After 15 minutes locked in her soundproof room, guess what? I need $8,500 hearing aids.

So here we are. To name a few, my hearing is shot, I have no teeth, I have tinnitus, an achy back, high cholesterol, cataracts, liver spots, dry eyes, and slow flow. I remain semi-delusional because I still believe that if I tried to chase girls again, with a stiff wind and my teeth firmly snapped on, I’d probably get one.

Mark Schiff is a comedian, actor and writer, and hosts, along with Danny Lobell, the “We Think It’s Funny” podcast. His new book is “Why Not? Lessons on Comedy, Courage and Chutzpah.”