Newsflash: My Boobies are not Magical

[additional-authors]

Sarah Tuttle-Singer

January 19, 2011

By now, you’ve probably gotten the memo:

I’m still breastfeeding M and Little Homie.

~~(And I’m happy to take on another customer or two if you know of anyone in Israel who is interested. I charge 75 shekels an hour. I could really use the money.Thanx.)~~

It’s like a spread in National Geographic magazine over here – M on one tit, Little Homie on the other. I think B may have taken a picture or two, because, hey, if Octomom can get propositioned by Vivid Entertainment, maybe I could sell these pics to Hustler.

~~(My contact information is on the right side of this page. Again, I could really use the money Thanx.)~~

You may assume that I’m one of those crunchy granolla mamas with the wind blowing through my

~~arm-pit~~

hair, all hippied out and high on my attachment parenting ethos.

I’m really not

The only reason I tandem breastfeed is because

~~it’s easy to shut my daughter up by shoving my tit in her mouth when she’s in tired or sick~~

it’s convenient.

~~And cheap.~~

The women on this kibbutz are way more badass than I am. They all lift their shirts up with reckless abandon and feed their kids, and the men don’t even bat an eye. In fact, when I was skulking around the Kibbutz dining hall the other day looking for a potted plant to nurse behind, one of the other mamas asked me why I just don’t feed the baby at the table like everyone else.

And while I’m down with others nursing in public, I can’t bring myself to whip out my tit in Kibbutz dining hall and feed Little Homie in front of everyone.

It has nothing to do with modesty. I’m really not a prude. But in the immortal words of Chris Rock:

“40 year old titty? That’s your man’s titty. 20 year old titty? COMMUNITY TITTY.”

And while I’m only 29, after two back-to-back pregnancies, serving hard-time with a Madela nursing pump when M was little, and breastfeeding for almost three years straight it boils down to this:

My breasts look better in a bra. Under a shirt.

And besides the convenience of breastfeeding – tandem or otherwise – I believed

~~that my boobies would make lots of shiny, happy antibodies, and M and Little Homie would shit rainbows~~

that nursing would make my kids healthier.

But not so.

Newsflash: My boobies are not magical.

There’s a rumor going ‘round these parts that I’m having an affair with the

~~brooding, intense, and incredibly sexy~~

oncall ER pediatrician at the nearby hospital.

I suppose this begs the question how did I meet an ER pediatrician in the first place.

Well.

Ever since we landed here, our entire family has been body-slammed with disease.

(For some serious Schadenfreude Porn, click