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PASSOVER; Adding Your Own Family’s Stories to the Holiday

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April 18, 2016

This Passover, Jewish families will gather to recall the story of our ancestors’ departure from Egypt.

How about — since the family is together anyway—taking this rare opportunity to have family elders recount their own stories?

Below is an article I wrote a few years ago, offering suggestions for recording family stories.  You can easily use the suggestions for a family gathering during Passover.


Everyone has a story. But not many people get a chance to tell that story. 

Unfortunately, the majority of our older relatives take their stories with them when they die.

This is a huge loss — both for the person who didn’t get to review their life, find meaning in their  stories and memories… and for their descendants who miss out on knowing the details of their heritage and ancestors.

One of my friends’ daughters recently lamented this fact: “I wish I knew how my grandparents ended up in Cleveland, or how they met. Or what their parents did for a living. We don’t know anything about their lives or their past. It’s really frustrating and sad.”

The truth is, we really do know more about ourselves when we understand our ancestors and our heritage.

But we have so many logical reasons that these stories aren’t heard or preserved.

“We kept meaning to ask Bubbe about her childhood in Europe. But both of us are so pressed for time with work, the kids, soccer games and temple committees that we just never got around to it.”

“I bought my father a very simple tape recorder so he could record his memories and stories. Then we bought him a family history book to fill in. But he wouldn’t do either one, and now his memories are fading.”

Are you fortunate enough to still have a chance to save your parents’ or grandparents’ stories?

Yes, we really are busy. Maybe our family elders don’t like talking about themselves.

Maybe they repeat the same story over and over again and it’s grown old. Possibly they’re worried that you will be bored because they know they’ve told the same story over and over again.

But those same old stories are probably the ones their great-great-grandkids will wish
they knew.

How to Get Started

1. Recognize your elder’s legacy as precious.
Imagine 20 years from now that your own grandchildren are asking you questions that you can’t answer.

2. Extend an invitation.
It might feel awkward, but it’s not that difficult to ask, “Would you be willing to sit down and talk about your life? We want to record your stories and memories.”

3. Be curious.
I can assure you there are things you don’t know about your older relatives’ lives and experiences.

4. Make a commitment.
This is like anything else that needs to get done. It has to be scheduled. Whether it’s for two hours or a whole day, commit to doing this. Why? Because they will feel honored and appreciated. (And because you will regret it if you don’t.) Turn off your cell phone during this time, and make sure there will be no distractions.

5. Create a list of questions.
Involve your children, siblings and other family members or friends. What do they want to know about the family’s history and about the “star” of the interview?

Ask questions that start with: who, what, where, when and why.

Brainstorm without censoring, unless you truly know that a topic is too upsetting to ask about.

By the way, as an oral historian, I have found that many Holocaust survivors don’t talk about their experiences with their family because they don’t want to upset their children. And their children? They don’t ask questions — even though they are interested — because they
don’t want to upset their parents.

In brainstorming and coming up with questions, first think in terms of different generations:

– Ancestors
– Grandparents
– Parents
– Self
– Children
– Grandchildren

Then think in terms of the different phases of someone’s life:
– Birth
– Childhood
– School years, adolescence
– Young adulthood
– Adulthood
– Senior years.

Then consider different aspects of most people’s lives:
– Home
– Neighborhood
– Family relationships/personalities
– Traditions/religious life
– Education
– Lifestyle/trends
– Work
– The times/eras,
– Recreation/fun
– Values.

6. Practice patience during the interview.

Let them wander wherever their memory takes them. Some great stories emerge when this happens. Don’t interrupt.

7. Be quiet.

This is not a “conversation” where you do a lot of talking, judging or expressing your own point of view. This is a time to listen. Yes, you will ask questions, but if you ask them in the open-ended way and are really willing to listen, the storyteller will be more likely to talk … and talk.

8. Acknowledge their life and experiences.

This will happen just by you showing your sincere interest.

9. Be prepared for emotions.

Most older people that I interview cry when they talk about their deceased parents, especially their mother. Men are usually surprised that they cry, but as a psychotherapist, I’m not. Tears are OK. Don’t rush in to stop the crying. You might hold their hand, or just say, “It’s OK.” The chance to reminisce is healing, and you will be allowing this process by your caring and listening.

10. Savor the time.

If you’ve committed to two hours, then stick to that and don’t rush the time. Whether an older relative is 55 or 105, we never know how much time we have left with our loved ones. Be grateful that you’ve had the chance to share this experience with them.

Happy Passover!

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