Eager Bieber

Everyone’s least favorite Canadian export, Justin Bieber, finally got his wish yesterday morning as did every non pre-teen girl in America. The Biebs got sent to jail.

It would seem that for the better part of 2013 JB did everything in his power to make folks think he was a bad ass on par with the likes of Sid Vicious or Johnny Cash.

However I don’t think peeing in a janitor’s mop bucket, visiting a brothel in Brazil, stealing a bicycle in Vegas, speeding around a gated community in Calabasas, egging your neighbor’s house or telling a president who’s been out of office for 14 years to go f— himself constitutes as being a menace to society. It just looks like you’re a jackass, not a bad ass.

So after a trip to Colorado to write his name in the snow with his own urine (he & R. Kelly need to hang out), Justin and his school of social remoras flew down to Miami. There he & his Cub Scouts went to a strip club and blew 75 grand in singles.

After being inundated with Miami’s local culture at the strip club, Biebs had his Junior G-men cordon off a section of street so he and a way less popular rapper (so unknown that I hadn’t heard of him before nor could remember his name for this article) raced down the street in the Lamborghini Biebes rented and a Ferrari the no-name rapper probably begged Justin to rent for him.

As with all superstars whose bank account numbers far outweigh their IQ numbers, the pair were busted by cops almost immediately. When confronted, Bieber started yelling at the cop with the same indignation a black man or Muslim might have when being racially profiled.

Biebes, being a scrawny white boy who looks like Miley Cyrus w/out make up however shouldn’t have even bothered to ask why he was being pulled over. The fact that he was drunk, high and popping pills while racing another car in a residential area should’ve been enough to answer that question. But it seems Bieber lacks common sense so one shouldn’t be surprised at his angst riddled diatribe towards his arresting officer.

One also shouldn’t be surprised at his mug shot. He’s smiling as if he won an award. I’m sure this picture will be framed and hung atop his mantle next to his awards, bongs and diapers. I think to Bieber this arrest is street cred. It puts him in the big leagues with ass clowns such as his BFF Chris Brown. Yet all it is is a DUI, anyone can get one, the thing is most people don’t because they’re not stupid. And how much “bad Motherf*cker bragging rights” can you really have when someone as lame as Vanilla Ice says they can help you?

Still, Bieber’s arrest & pending investigation for felony vandalism against the neighbor he egged might be enough cause to have Bieber deported back to his homeland. There he can gleefully run amuck while we as Americans push onward and wait for the day the Kardashian Family is forced out of the very country that made them what they are today.