The following is a work of satire. But believe me, it is nearly all inspired from real-life events, because, as the saying goes, you can’t make this stuff up.
Jews worldwide are enjoying a sense of wonder as they describe near-miraculous incidents that are enabling them to feel safe, respected and supported during this previously-unimaginable time. Here are some of the stories the Journal has identified during the past few weeks that have left us grateful and at times, speechless.
This Latke Tastes Dry and Ironic
Hundreds of young anti-Israel Jews representing the organization If Then, When Then and How? were bewildered when, during their pre-planned Hanukkah party last week, a senior member read aloud the meaning of Hanukkah from a Google search. Attendees were shocked and confused upon discovering that the real meaning of Hanukkah, which means “dedication,” includes an inherent condemnation of assimilation and straying from the path of Jewish peoplehood and community.
“For years, everyone in this group’s been telling me I’m like a modern-day Maccabee,” said an If Then, When Then and How? member who only identified himself as Seth. “But now, I just found out if the Maccabees were here today, they would probably think I suck. Like, really, really suck.”
Witnesses revealed that once-happy partygoers could barely swallow their latkes, donuts and Gaza-imported sheep’s milk Feta cheese once they understood that they “probably had more in common with Hellenistic Greeks than with the Jews who were fighting them.”
Witnesses revealed that once-happy partygoers could barely swallow their latkes, donuts and Gaza-imported sheep’s milk Feta cheese once they understood that they “probably had more in common with Hellenistic Greeks than with the Jews who were fighting them,” said another attendee, who told the Journal he felt compelled to punish himself by eating a Hanukkah sufganiyah, or donut, without any filling whatsoever.
Thoughtful Tlaib
Representative Rashida Tlaib (D-Mich.) happily surprised American Jews recently when she tweeted, “Happy Hanukkah to my Jewish constituents, neighbors and friend” (the latter word was purposefully singular, as Tlaib admitted to having one Jewish friend). She continued, “I’ve always been inspired by Hanukkah. It’s a reminder that when you least expect it, miracles can happen. Miracles, like the fact that I continue to be reelected term after term.”
A Purim Miracle
Inspired by Tlaib’s truly sincere message of love for Jews, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, the Supreme Leader of Iran, is said to have asked his chief-of-staff to schedule a tweet directed at Jews worldwide this coming spring, with the message, “Ah Freilichen Purim!”
When Is a Die-In Not a Die-In?
Several students at Antler College in Northern Canada sustained moderate injuries when they attended a “Die-In for Palestine” on campus and described how two male students attempted to bash in attendees’ heads with a medieval flail. “These fanatics thought we were serious,” said a graduate student who co-organized the event. In an exclusive interview, the alleged perpetrators, who are freshmen, told the Journal, “It was our first ‘Die-In.’ What were we supposed to do? Plus, we thought a few Jews might show up to it.”
Spineless Leaders
West Spineless, a newly-incorporated town in eastern Minnesota, canceled its second-annual Christmas tree lighting ceremony at City Hall. In a statement, West Spineless leaders expressed fear over public safety regarding threats by four pro-Palestinian supporters that they would protest the jolly event.
Not to be outdone, a nearby rival town named East Spineless also canceled its annual tree lighting ceremony, which dates back to the late 1800s. “We love Jesus, we really do,” said an East Spineless leader, “But we didn’t want anyone to think we’re acknowledging that Jews actually lived in Israel over 2,000 years ago. Know what I mean?”
Residents of both towns told the Journal that next year, they will invite members of If Then, When Then and How? to teach locals about the meaning of Hanukkah and participate in a bush-lighting ceremony in a parking lot behind the sanitation department.
A Recruitment Miracle
After their respective presidents dodged questions regarding antisemitism during a congressional hearing, admissions representatives from Harvard, MIT and the University of Pennsylvania told the Journal they have received an unprecedented increase in applications from abroad.
“For some reason, one day after the hearing, we received 10,000 applications from Qatar, Pakistan and Lebanon — each,” said an MIT administrator, who admitted that one applicant from Qatar submitted an application that read, “I heard you guys will let me say anything I want about Jews and Zionists, and, given my record, I think I would be a great fit for your university.”
Where Did All the Jews Go?
Libya arrested five Iranian nationals on suspicions of planning to attack Jews in the country. Libyan security officials told the Journal that one alleged Iranian agent confessed, “Tehran told us to get some Jews. How were we supposed to know there aren’t any left in Libya? Didn’t there used to be tens of thousands of them there? If anyone knows where they went, please send us their addresses.”
The alleged operative also confessed to having first arrived in Iraq to target Jews, but to not finding any there. “There used to be over 100,000 of them in Iraq, weren’t there?” he asked. “I want to tell you … it’s very demoralizing to go around the Middle East looking for Jewish targets and the only place to find them is in the Zionist entity.”
Upon hearing news of the man’s testimony, members of If Then, When Then and How? sent him and the remaining four Iranian operatives solidarity T-shirts that read, “My Other Shirt is in Israel-Occupied Gaza.”
Public Safety
Citing inclusivity, Schlemiel, Connecticut has banned the lighting of a giant menorah at a local park this year. “When we Googled the meaning of ‘inclusivity,’” a Schlemiel representative told the Journal, “We quickly realized we better keep Jews out of it, for everyone’s sense of safety.”
The Awe-Inspiring Lapel Pin
And finally, in Mamzer County, Minnesota (represented by Rep. Ilhan Omar), a young, Jewish barista at a local coffee shop was granted the surprise of a lifetime when he bravely decided to don an Israel lapel pin as he prepared customers’ orders. According to witnesses, pro-Palestinian protestors encircled the coffee shop with signs that read, “We Really Disagree with You, But We Still Respect Your Right to Your Views” and “This Is America. Feel Free to Express Yourself.”
Witnesses told the Journal that several pro-Palestinian customers calmly ordered their morning cup of coffee, shook the barista’s hand and expressed messages such as, “I’d never go after you for a one-inch lapel pin” and “You’ve inspired me to wear a pin with the Palestinian flag. Thank you!”
Flooded with joy and gratitude, the barista reportedly felt safe enough to walk outside and offer the peaceful mob free samples of seasonal, cherry-gingerbread iced coffee.
“I don’t know if that Jew offered us cherry syrup or blood,” said one protestor, “But I love this time of year.”
Tabby Refael is an award-winning writer, speaker and civic action activist. Follow her on X/Twitter and Instagram @TabbyRefael
