After the election, let’s learn to listen

Google researchers recently conducted an exhaustive study in which they attempted to identify the characteristic most common in the highest functioning teams.  They tested for every imaginable variable, but one factor emerged unambiguously as most critical: psychological safety.  “Psychological safety” is the notion that all members of a community can advance their authentic opinions without fear of retribution.   The degree to which an individual feels safe to contribute, is the degree to which his/her team succeeds. 

Shalhevet’s identity is built upon psychological safety.  Our weekly Town Hall encourages students to speak their minds and open their hearts, and know that even as we disagree, we offer support and love.

Right now it seems that America is a little less psychologically safe.  The immediate fallout from this sensational election hammers this home with a resounding thud. Psychological safety means creating a safe space, but it must be created in all directions. Conservatives must create safe spaces for liberals and liberals for conservatives – it must work in both directions!

Let me be clear: I find the reality of a Donald Trump presidency disquieting in many ways. Not because of what might happen to our participation in NAFTA or his bombastic promise to build a wall – I can only hope that those were the bluster of a salesman trying to win an election by appealing to the fear of his audience. I am terrified because I walk into school every single day as Head of School at Shalhevet and think about how to empower our students.  Specifically, I want our girls to know they can accomplish anything and everything, and obliterate glass ceilings in the process; and I want our boys to be champions of their sisters, daughters, mothers and female colleagues.  I want all of our students to embrace people of all races, ethnicities, religions, and orientation, to serve as models of broad-mindedness and acceptance.  And for obvious reasons, a president-elect such as Mr. Trump sends a deeply confusing and unsettling message to young people about how those values figure in our society.

Looking back, I, like many others, see this upheaval as an inevitability. I believe that we marginalized and demonized large sectors of the American public for so long…too long…and they finally broke.  We mocked them on late-night comedy shows, and we ridiculed them in endless newspaper editorials. We painted them as racists, misogynists and sexists with large brush strokes, lumping together conservative and close-minded, and after hearing it ad infinitum, they finally said “good riddance.”  They may not have admitted publicly that they supported Trump, which helps explain such widespread polling misfires – but in their heart of hearts, they harbored resentment for the names they’d been called, and they stuck it to them.

What’s done is done.  Many have said they feel as though they now stare into an abyss, and I understand the feeling, but I actually believe that people of good faith will come together and figure this out. I really do. But, that will not happen if we continue to demonize others. We need to allow each other to disagree.  We need to decompress this combustible atmosphere.  And we need to do it now. That doesn’t mean we can’t argue with each other. I might even suggest we need to argue and debate more than ever. We just need to do it in a constructive and respectful way.

Of course, as citizens of this great country, it is our responsibility to take an active role in healing this great nation.  But let’s also use this as an opportunity to look inwards, to begin this process at home.  When we survey our Orthodox community, where can we begin to heal?

And this isn’t just for liberals to internalize, it’s true on a broad range of issues, and we’re all guilty of it.  Let’s pick on the right-wingers for a moment: How about Israel advocacy?  Can we stop demonizing anyone who chooses to critique an aspect of Israeli policy? If a person adopts a position slightly out of step with the official AIPAC talking points, must we immediately brand them with the “self-hating Jew” label? Can we assume the best, not the worst, and then argue forcefully and persuasively?

And what about our tendency to paint the Haredi community as simplistic? And what about labeling as feminists all those who wish to find more leadership opportunities for women within Judaism? We don’t need to change our minds, but we can open them by moving away from the ad hominem attacks, and the mocking, and the demonization.

This election has brought out a truly sinister tendency in so many of us.  “Please don’t tell me who you are voting for,” I heard someone say to another at a Shabbat table. “Depending on the answer, I may not be able to be friends with you.”

No, no, a million times no.  That’s not what we teach our children at Shalhevet.  Without psychological safety, without the ability to say “Yes, I disagree, but I love/respect you all the same,” I worry that this country will fall further down this daunting rabbit hole.  Let’s take it upon ourselves to stop that from happening.  Let’s reverse the trend. If ever we were primed to earn our moniker of or lagoyim – a light unto nations —  it is right now. Thank you for listening.

Rabbi Ari Segal is  Head of School at Shalhevet High School in Los Angeles.