I’m not sure why a song by Sting, sent to me by my beloved Youtube algorithm, hit me so hard.
It’s this lyric in particular:
“I had to say it, I hate to say it, but it’s probably me.”
It could be the long tradition of Jewish guilt, or the more noble virtue of accepting responsibility, but when I heard “it’s probably me,” all I could think of was “it’s probably my fault.”
Upon reflection, though, maybe it’s not a coincidence that those words are hitting me right now, during the last Jewish calendar month of Elul.
Most Jews wait until the High Holy Days of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur to get down to the serious business of repentance.
But the spiritual preparation for these holy moments begins during the month of Elul, with rituals that include blowing the shofar, reciting special Psalms and prayers, and, most importantly, reflecting on the past year through cheshbon hanefesh, or “accounting of the soul.”
In my case, it also included an unlikely encounter with one of my favorite artists, Sting.
As a friend mentioned, it’s the word “probably” that really stood out. “Probably” recognizes how difficult it is to admit when something is our fault, when it’s “probably me.”
The culminating work of the High Holy Days cannot happen without those three words– “it’s my fault.” We can’t do any self-accounting, any self-reflection, any true repentance without the courage to admit when we have messed up.
Maybe that’s why we start the process so early, during Elul. Elul is the month of “probably,” when we gently ease into the painful realization that we may have hurt or wronged some people during this past year.
Elul is when we recognize how much we “hate to say it,” which enables us to enter Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur with the realization that we “have to say it.”
Shabbat shalom.
