Niloofar Neman Khalili If you are an Iranian American Jewish adult in Los Angeles, chances are you remember where you were when you heard the devastating news that Bianca Khalili, a 17-year-old senior at Beverly Hills High School and a kind and giving teenager in our community, died after falling from the 15th floor of a Century City high rise on May 26, 2008.
Our community in Southern California had never been rocked by such painful news. It was a calamity not only because Bianca was so young, but because her family and other local Persian Jews had so many unanswered questions about her death.
The tensions over Bianca’s death were so terrible that the Los Angeles Police Department was forced to meet with a group of Persian rabbis, who were tasked with bringing a semblance of peace to the community.
Three months after Bianca’s death, Los Angeles Police Lt. Raymond Lombardo told The Los Angeles Times that the case “divided the community like driving a stake through their heart.” Photos of Bianca’s mother, Niloofar Neman Khalili, lying on the ground next to her daughter’s grave at Eden Memorial Park shattered our collective hearts. When asked if she had fainted, Khalili told the LA Times, “I feel like she’s in my arms. I’m holding her, and I feel like I want to stay with her.”
Bianca’s family was still reeling from her loss when just two years later, in August 2010, her older brother, Bernard, 27, was killed in a West Hollywood apartment in what is believed to have been an attempted robbery that also took the lives of two young, Persian Jewish brothers.
The community was beside itself when Bernard and the other two young men died. What was happening to the beautiful young men and women in our community? Were these horrifying deaths part and parcel of living in Los Angeles (and by extension, the United States), or were they signs of something brewing among youth in our refugee and immigrant community that we had ignored for too long?
After Bianca’s death, her mother, Niloofar, could have chosen to disengage from everything and everyone. And for a time, she did. But one year later, Niloofar, wholly motivated by her daughter’s dreams and willpower, established The Bianca Foundation, which, according to its website, aims “to educate and empower our teens by connecting them with licensed coaches and counselors in the school system who will gain confidence and become successful in all areas of their lives.”
The foundation offers teens a Life Coaching Program and onsite counselors at schools ranging from Sinai Akiba, Beverly Hills High School and Palisades Charter High School (this year, Sinai Akiba made the life skills and mental health programs a mandatory class). A former teen participant, Ethan Hamid, who is now a junior at USC, told me the life skills classes he helped organize while at Palisades High School, which included how to deal with anxiety and depression, were critical because they also allowed teens a space to connect in a safe environment.
The foundation’s motto is simple, but true: “Growing up shouldn’t be so hard.” Students participate in one-hour sessions (complete with lunch) and also receive community service hours. The Foundation wants to make their life skills classes mandatory at schools around L.A., the state of California and one day, throughout all 50 states.
On September 7, The Bianca Foundation will host its annual gala at a private residence. Niloofar hopes that more community members, regardless of their background, will attend in a show of support for the organization’s vital work, and to remember Bianca and Bernard on the 15th and 13th anniversaries of their passing, respectively.
After reading Khalili’s words, I hope we will all be reminded to count our blessings and stand in awe of one family’s love, strength and resilience.
I asked Niloofar about Bianca and Bernard, and about surviving their loss, as well as establishing the foundation to honor what many have described to me as two gentle, pure souls. After reading Khalili’s words, I hope we will all be reminded to count our blessings and stand in awe of one family’s love, strength and resilience. This interview was conducted on August 10th, what would have been Bianca’s 33rd birthday; Niloofar told me she could feel Bianca’s presence with her as she responded to my questions. The following has been edited for clarity and length.
Jewish Journal: Please tell readers about Bianca, z”l:
Niloofar Khalili: Bianca was so caring, kind, light-hearted, adventurous, a great helper and very responsible; a real human. Her Hebrew name was Tova. She loved her friends and wanted to help everyone and bring the community together. She was a doer; she cared about her family, especially children, and always babysat her cousins.
Bianca was accepted into the University of Tel Aviv. She also applied for Birthright to go to Israel for 10 days with all her friends, right after her graduation. I still have the luggage and all the clothing that she bought for her trip.
She was a great piano player and often would play with her brother, Daniel, on his violin. She was a happy and bubbly child. She would tell me, “Mom, I would love to have my own family and lots of children.”
JJ: How did you emotionally survive her passing? And a decade-and-a-half later, how are you and your family, including your husband, Edward and your son, Daniel, doing now?
NK: I really don’t know. There is not a moment that I can forget. But I think helping the kids through The Bianca Foundation is one way of my salvation, and the most important people in my life are my son, Daniel, and my husband. I have to stand tall for them. It’s easier to be under the covers in bed, but I think Hashem wants something from me. This [helping teens] is my calling and there is no going back or stopping, so I just look forward and move one day at the time.
Daniel has an investment company. He finished UCLA, where he studied sociology. He is an old soul and very strong, and he believes very much in Judaism. He has also played violin since he was seven years old. Music is his survival.
JJ: Please tell readers about Bernard, z”l:
NK: I always called him “My Neshama.” His Hebrew name was Abraham. He was such an amazing, pure soul; you would see the light coming out of his body, and I am not joking. He was so handsome, played piano, and was a miracle; everything you wanted, he was: happy, calm, patient, helpful — his presence made you calm. He was shot by someone who doesn’t know why he did it, nor even remember [shooting him], and Bernard happened to be there at the wrong place at the wrong time. At age 27, he had a girlfriend whom he would have been engaged with.
JJ: How did you and your family emotionally survive Bernard’s passing, especially so soon after Bianca’s?
NK: After two years of losing my Bianca, I lost Bernard. I don’t even know how we survived. I had great support from my family and friends who were there every single day, changing their shifts in our home to be with us 24/7.
I think of it as a very bad, horrifying movie. My mom was always there; she raised Bernard, and helped me with all of them. She is a strong woman and stood by us every day. My sisters and friends were watching all of us, and I couldn’t do anything for a while.
Slowly, I got up, and with G-d’s power, I got back to work and created The Bianca Foundation. This was our tikkun, to help other kids. Believe me, some days, all of the work [for the foundation] gets to me and I say I will quit, but there’s a force that makes me move forward. Even my husband says, “Why are you practically killing yourself with all this work?” But believe me, I cannot stop.
JJ: Tell me about the creation of The Bianca Foundation in 2009.
“I picked up her torch in all of the areas where she would talk about her goals and dreams. This organization [The Bianca Foundation] must go on; it’s important because kids need to have mentors in their lives. They don’t need to grow up with so much hardship.” – Niloofar Neman Khalili
NK: We followed Bianca’s dream and basically picked up her torch. I started it from my home and gathered kids, mostly her friends, and hired a coach every Sunday in my backyard for a couple of hours to help them cope with the tragedy, and to slowly deal with other challenges that they had. I had no knowledge of creating a nonprofit at that time, and created it all by myself and with the help of our coach. As soon as we were approved, I approached schools.
JJ: Why was it so vital for you to establish The Bianca Foundation?
NK: Bianca always wanted to help others and create a better world for her peers. When she was 15, she wrote to President Obama and said that for driving, you have a booklet and take an exam, but for parenting, you don’t have anything. She was always at City Hall, requesting something, or she would go to any podium and talk about the needs of her peers, and request space for after-school activities for high schoolers. She would say that kids are in the streets or in coffee shops after school, and they don’t have any supervision.
I picked up her torch in all of the areas where she would talk about her goals and dreams. This organization [The Bianca Foundation] must go on; it’s important because kids need to have mentors in their lives. They don’t need to grow up with so much hardship.
JJ: How has your work with The Bianca Foundation opened your eyes to the struggles of many youth today?
NK: As I got into the school system, I realized the need for this program and how important it is to bring it to schools, like any other class. There’s no way to completely change parents, so we focus on kids and giving them life skills, including how to cope with challenges. They experience anxiety, stress, lack of communication, and bullying is one of the biggest problems that leads to suicide.
Kids today have lots of anger, as well as stress from school and extracurricular activities. And they have too many expectations from themselves. If they don’t know how to cope with all of this or treat it, it will lead to depression or drug use. And parents are the last people who know what is going on with their children.
JJ: In your experience, are there unique challenges to raising children in the Iranian American Jewish community?
NK: The problem with Iranian Jews is that they are afraid to talk about their issues. Often, they can’t go to a counselor to seek help because they fear losing their “Aberoo” (“honor” or “reputation” in Persian). They want to hide so many issues and the result is that you don’t know if your kids are going out with friends who might be in danger. Some of our youth have a lot of mental health issues, which are hidden, too, again, due to the fear of losing “Aberoo” or even lacking money to seek [professional] help.
Also, many parents are now so busy with their own problems, including their marriages, that they don’t think about their kids enough, or they’re so busy with either working hard to make a living, or having lots of social gatherings and going out, that they don’t even think that their kids might need them. Most kids in our community are afraid to talk to their parents. One of the kids who attended a class through The Bianca Foundation said that before, he couldn’t talk to his parents, but after taking our classes, he became much closer with them.
JJ: Did Bianca confide in you about her problems?
NK: Bianca was always talking to me about everything. The night she died, she had just arrived back from Palm Springs (where she and fellow Beverly Hills High School friends went after attending prom in Los Angeles), and she went to her classmate’s home. She told me, “Mom, I have so much to tell you.”
When kids get older and attend high school, parents can’t be involved as much, and that is the most important part that parents need to know about everything that happens in school. Try to be early to pick up your child so they don’t stray after school; ask them how they feel; don’t tell them what to do, but make requests in a kind and loving way. And be a good example of what you want them to be. Join us for parenting class and educate yourself about your children.
JJ: Why should people support The Bianca Foundation and attend the gala on September 7th?
NK: I want them to learn about our program and be aware of all the challenges that are happening to our kids at school or with their friends, and to hopefully contribute and give us a chance to support a great cause and build relationships with youth.
JJ: What have you learned over the years about the importance of kindness, community and leadership? And who was there for you the most when you needed them the most?
NK: My father, may he rest in peace, used to write something on the mirror for me and my three sisters to see every morning: “Az mohabat, kharha gol mishavand,” meaning, “With kindness, thorns can become flowers.” Kindness can make the world a happier place; it can boost feelings of confidence and optimism. It encourages others to repeat good deeds and contribute to a more positive community. Helping others has brought me support and encouraged me to help as many kids that I can (and their families). My husband and my son have been there for me since I started this nonprofit organization, and I couldn’t have done it without their support.
JJ: Has Judaism been a source of comfort and healing for you and your family?
NK: I used to attend kabbalah classes for many years, and everything I learned definitely helped me so I could hold myself up today. Reading Tehillim every day brings comfort to my soul. I believe that Hashem has a task for everyone, and I know I am here to do my tikkun and my mission. That is my healing.
For more information about The Bianca Foundation or to attend the September 7 gala, visit www.thebiancafoundation.org/events or email Teens@thebiancafondation.org
Tabby Refael is an award-winning writer, speaker and weekly columnist for The Jewish Journal of Greater Los Angeles. Follow her on X and Instagram @TabbyRefael
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