Satirical Semite: It’s Complicated

Dating has become even more complicated in 2023. The apps have ever-more specific questions, including “Do you like dogs?” (no) and “Are you vaccinated?” (yes). I want to add “Can you provide a signed letter stating a clean bill of health from your psychiatrist?” (Maybe. It depends who’s asking.) 

In the last six months I have discovered a new trend where people do not share their last names. I’ve experienced this three times in succession, and it’s just weird. The week after one date, someone then came to my flat for a Shabbat dinner with eight other people, and still wouldn’t reveal her name. Another joined me on a date at a bar in Camden, London, we had a couple of phone conversations and sent various text messages, but she still refused to reveal who she was, explaining, “It’s very personal information. When I meet someone I also don’t share my home address or my bank details.” The next day she also texted, “I should have mentioned — I have three kids.” With so much going on, it’s easy to forget to mention these little details.

To stay ahead of the trend, I am no longer going to reveal my first name but replace it with a Shakespeare monologue, or an unpronounceable symbol like The Artist Formerly Known as Prince. 

Chat-up lines are passé, but why not just quote Shakespeare? “O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?/ Deny thy father and refuse thy name … O! Be some other name: / What’s in a name? that which we call a rose / By any other name would smell so sweet / … / Romeo, doff thy name;/ And for that name, which is no part of thee, / Take all myself.”

The weirdest date happened in London. She wouldn’t reveal her last name, wouldn’t share her phone number (which made it hard to plan the date), forgot her purse (I was paying anyway), but then revealed that she knew exactly who I was, and had attended my workshops and performances at the Limmud educational conference. The dynamic felt unbalanced, and perhaps I should have continued the conversation using mime and physical theater, so as to level the playing field. She then shared how she had stopped going to Limmud “because there weren’t enough sessions about the Holocaust.” It really turned into a fun evening.

Understandably, some people don’t want to share their name because they don’t want to be stalked on social media. Personally I am very happy to be stalked because I can always use the followers. 

Then there is the question of politics. Two years ago, dating profiles in Los Angeles used to read, “You can only date me if you didn’t vote for HIM,” but it’s now more complicated. Here is a brief guide:

You must support Kamala, Joe, Hilary or Bernie (if dating in Los Angeles), De Santis or Trump (if dating in Miami), Newsom (if dating in San Francisco) and Cuomo (if dating in New York). You must have voted against Brexit (if dating in England). The last four are pretty easy to remember: must hate England (if dating in Scotland), must hate England (if dating in Ireland), must hate England (if dating in the EU), must hate England (if dating in the U.S. on July 4th), and must hate England (if dating Harry or Meghan).

It looked like it was going well until she said, “So what are you looking for? I have a friend I could set you up with.”

During a recent Shabbat dinner at a singles event in Miami, I had a great 90-minute conversation with a lovely woman. It looked like it was going well until she said, “So what are you looking for? I have a friend I could set you up with.” Burn! I asked what she was looking for, and it was someone taller than her, since she is 5 feet 10 inches tall. Although with high heels, that night she was 6 feet 2 inches, which makes it even harder within the Jewish dating pool. As my friend Brandon said, “I’m 5-foot Jewish.” Moving forward, I am going to buy platform shoes.

I wish the majority of this article was fictional, but it’s not. I would also like to say that the names have been changed to protect the innocent, but I never knew the names in the first place.

On we go.

www.marcusjfreed and on social @marcusjfreed