Ten Must-Read Books in 2023 (A Satire)

The following is a work of fictionalized satire, unless George Santos’s ancestors come back to life to set the record straight. 

The past few years have seen an increase in the sale of print books, and for good reason, as the pandemic forced us to spend more time at home. In fact, while other industries have consistently reported losses since 2020, print book sales rose nearly 9%, according to Publisher’s Weekly. 

Among the best-selling books of 2022 were many works of fiction, including those by literary veterans Stephen King and John Grisham. Other best-sellers were personal narratives, such as “Friends, Lovers, and the Big, Terrible Thing” by “Friends” star Matthew Perry, Michelle Obama’s “The Light We Carry” and “I’m Glad My Mom Died” by Jennette McCurdy (yes, that’s the title of the book). 

But 2023 will also offer many exciting new works, whether written by seasoned pros or first-time authors. Here are the top ten books to look for this year:

I am also reading (early) rave reviews of a new, avant-garde cookbook titled, “So You Married a Sephardic Man?” In lieu of offering actual recipes, the personalized, minimalist cookbook only contains the phone number of each reader’s mother-in-law.

Cutting-Edge Cookbooks

Following the success of “Persian Food from the Non-Persian Bride” (Feldheim, 2011) by Reyna Simnegar, a group of women in Los Angeles have pooled together their family recipes and published a new cookbook titled, “Persian Food from the Persian Bride Who Married a Persian Man Who Expects His Wife to Cook Like His Mother.” I am also reading (early) rave reviews of a new, avant-garde cookbook titled, “So You Married a Sephardic Man?” In lieu of offering actual recipes, the personalized, minimalist cookbook only contains the phone number of each reader’s mother-in-law.

Honest Biographies 

Jewish readers would be wise to pick up a copy of U.S. Representative George Santos’s upcoming biography of his grandmother, “My Bubele.” In this powerful account, Santos traces his family’s roots from the time of the First Temple exile, when his ancestors were forced into Babylonian captivity, to their role in rebuilding the Second Temple, to his relatives’ bravery in the Warsaw Ghetto and his grandmother’s role as the second-in-command of the Irgun, the Jewish paramilitary organization that fought in Mandatory Palestine until 1948. 

Friday Meaty Friday

Few know that Bono, the fiery lead singer of Ireland’s legendary rock band, U2, is also an avid cholent aficionado. In 2023, look for his first cookbook, “Bono: The Complete Cholent Guide.”

Following the success of his 2022 best-selling memoir, “Surrender,” Bono will take readers through a culinary journey of cholent recipes through the ages. Have an Irish beer on hand as you prepare some of his other recipes that also require a slow cooker, including “I Still Haven’t Found the Smoked Paprika I’m Looking For” goulash. 

Presidential Power

Though presidential memoirs are traditionally written after leaving office, President Joe Biden will stun readers this year with his forthcoming memoir, “My Head Hurts.” The work will be published in the second year of the president’s second term and it is rumored that its concluding chapter will be titled, “Darn, I Was Really Looking Forward to Working with the Mullahs Again.”

Venezuela’s Loss 

This year will see a rise in the number of memoirs written by heads of state, whether President Biden, Russia’s Vladimir Putin and his autobiography, “I Was Betting on the Russian Army, Honest,” or Middle Eastern dictator Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, the Supreme Leader of Iran. Khamenei’s memoir, “I Should Have Escaped to Venezuela When I Had the Chance,” is expected to be completed in December 2023 and its closing chapters to be written from Tehran’s Evin prison. While it is reported that Khamenei has yet to find a publisher, experts are predicting that in 2024, newly-elected, female Iranian president Masih Alinejad may offer to pardon Khamenei, before tweeting, “Just kidding! Enjoy Evin.”

What’s in These Eggs?

Israeli authors are expected to have a banner year in 2023, and geopolitical experts are raving about a new, tell-all book that highlights the secrets of Israel’s military advantages, written by former Israeli Minister of Defense Moshe Ya’alon. The book, titled, “Iron Dome, Merkava Tanks and Explosive Shakshuka: The Untold Stories Behind Some of Israel’s Most Sophisticated Weapons,” is set for release just weeks after Palestinian Authority Chairman Mahmoud Abbas’s guide to modern leadership, titled, “I Can’t Believe I Stretched a Four-Year Term Limit into 18 Years.”

Ye of Little Faith 

Seemingly inspired by the popularity of the comic book and TV series, “Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?” a new comic book titled “Where in the World is Kanye West?” will be published by Death Con 3 Publishers and released this summer. West, who legally changed his name to “Ye,” made headlines again recently when it was rumored that he was missing after his former business manager was unable to find him to serve the antisemitic rapper a $4.5 million lawsuit. Though there is no evidence to suggest that West is actually missing, the comic book will offer readers a chance to track down the former billionaire in an interactive chase through cities around the world, including spotting Ye at a Skechers outlet in rural Texas, enjoying tapas with former President Donald Trump in Madrid, and, for some reason, in a meeting in Beirut with members of Hezbollah. On second thought, I recommend that no one should buy a copy of this comic book. 

Tenacious Teshuvah

Last year, it was reported that newly-Orthodox comedy star Jack Black was unable to convince any publishers to greenlight his manuscript outlining how synagogues can use the power of music to liven up their post-pandemic services. Publishers reportedly expressed concern that Black’s manuscript, titled “Shul of Rock,” would not be marketable beyond Jewish readers. But sources tell me that Black is currently in Jerusalem, meeting with a slew of Jewish publishers. He has received several offers from Orthodox publishers, all of whom have stipulated that Black’s proposed inclusion of music in synagogue services cannot include microphones, lighting effects or actual instruments. I, for one, can’t wait to read this work. 

I Wanna Rock and Roll All Nite (and Daven Every Day)

Speaking of music, Gene Simmons (né Chaim Witz), the Haifa-born leader singer of the legendary rock band, Kiss, will publish his first Jewish children’s picture book in spring 2023, titled, “Hold Your Tongue: The Power of Speech.” The book’s main character, Chaimy, is a little boy who learns that lashon hara (evil speech) is destructive for others and for ourselves. According to PJ Library, dates have been set for Simmons to embark on a two-month library tour, during which he will read the book aloud for Jewish children around the country, though PJ Library has not confirmed whether Simmons will appear at the readings and book signings dressed in his trademark leather demon bodysuit, armor and platform boots. 

A New Iran, With 5,000 New Starbucks Locations

And finally, the popular travel guide book publisher, Lonely Planet, which has sold over 150 million books, is set to release a heavily updated “Lonely Planet Iran” in December 2023, with a new book title, “Lonely Planet Iran: A Little Less Lonely.” The guide book publisher is so optimistic about the success of the current revolution underway in Iran today that it wants to be the first to offer travelers the most user-friendly way to explore what it hopes will be a newly-free country. In practical terms, that means that even the city streets, parks and monuments will have been renamed. Look for a chapter devoted to spending a day at the new Mahsa Amini Park and Freedom Monument, one of many new spaces in the country that will honor the life and legacy of the 22-year-old Iranian Kurdish woman whose tragic death inspired a democratic revolution. 

Whatever your pick, this promises to be an extraordinary year to revel in the written word (and enjoy a warm bowl of Bono-approved cholent). Happy Reading.

Tabby Refael is an award-winning, LA-based writer, speaker and civic action activist. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram @TabbyRefael.