fbpx

Satirical Semite: Zoom Through Speed Dates

I signed up for a Sunday night speed dating event via Zoom because I had temporarily forgotten why I dislike such experiences.
[additional-authors]
June 18, 2021
Peter Dazeley/Getty Images

It was a long weekend. No longer than the usual 48 hours, but it felt slow because all of my married friends—which is almost all of my friends—were busy. I signed up for a Sunday night speed dating event via Zoom because I had temporarily forgotten why I dislike such experiences. The biggest problem with speed dating is that it just isn’t quick enough.

The in-person format has two rows of chairs and tables laid out in either straight lines or in a circle. Women sit on one side, men on the other, and every three minutes the men move to the next seat. According to scientists it takes a man 8.2 seconds to know if he is attracted to a woman, and while 8.2 seconds seems like a very long time, it must be true because scientists said so.

According to scientists it takes a man 8.2 seconds to know if he is attracted to a woman, and while 8.2 seconds seems like a very long time, it must be true because scientists said so.

The 2009 report in the journal “Archives of Sexual Behavior” also suggests that you might know within 4.5 seconds if you are not attracted to someone, which certainly seems like a reasonable amount of time to really think through if this is a good match. The experts were not clear regarding what happens during the 3.7-seconds time period between the 4.5-seconds “not attracted” conclusion and the 8.2-seconds “yes please I love you,” but the real challenge is what to do with the other two minutes and 54.5 seconds of the unsuccessful date. Three minutes can become an interminable amount of time if you don’t match with the other person, and apparently Einstein discovered the theory of relativity after an evening of speed dating.

My first speed date on Sunday was with a charming woman whose opening line was, “Hello Marcus, I know you, we have a mutual friend,” without mentioning the friend’s name. She told me about the new type of spiritual dance she teaches. I explained that I had heard of it and that “my friend’s girlfriend also teaches it.” She said “that’s me.” The previous night she had told him, “I need to date other people as well.” Fortunately our three-minute speed date was over, I speedily sped on to the next person and zoomed past the idea of telling my friend I had just accidentally dated his lover.

Certain married friends like hearing tales of my dating exploits since for some of them it has been years since they were on the scene and the stories provide vicarious fun. A few competitive newlyweds were so inspired by speed dating that they took up speed marriages and called it quits after 3 months before switching tables for the next partner. The winning team so far has just completed their fourth marriage, which is a remarkably successful achievement to which we can all aspire.

In-person dating was difficult during lockdown and the best option was to go for a walk outside during cold winter nights. Walking in London’s Highgate suburb one Saturday night, my date suggested we stroll through the historic Highgate cemetery where various celebrities are buried, including Karl Marx. This offended my libertarian capitalist sensibilities, and while I do like the “Thriller” video, I prefer not to spend dates with the dearly departed. She explained that the walk could be “a fun thing for us to do,” but it felt like the date was dead and it was time to depart.

I recently hosted an international online dating seminar that brought together over 100 marriage-minded singles, along with four professional matchmakers. The evening’s activities included breakout-room mixers, talks on how to improve your dating game and exercises for refining a healthy approach to relationships. It is the closest simulation you can get to a singles event where you mix and mingle without pressure, although you can drink throughout the event without having to find a designated driver. When hosting online events I always take the opportunity to boost people’s energy by getting everyone out of their seats for a dance break, although like speed dates it never lasts more than three minutes.

Five years ago a friend in New Zealand met a woman and got engaged after two weeks. I urged him to take at least six months before getting married, but their wedding was two weeks later. They divorced within a year, after which he texted me to say “you were right.” Sometimes the fastest way to date is by taking it slowly and making sure you give it a little more time.


Marcus J Freed is an Actor, Filmmaker & Business Consultant www.marcusjfreed.com.

Did you enjoy this article?
You'll love our roundtable.

Editor's Picks

Latest Articles

Difficult Choices

Jews have always believed in the importance of higher education. Today, with the rise in antisemitism across many college campuses, Jewish high school seniors are facing difficult choices.

All Aboard the Lifeboat

These are excruciating times for Israel, and for the Jewish people.  It is so tempting to succumb to despair. That is why we must keep our eyes open and revel in any blessing we can find.  

More news and opinions than at a
Shabbat dinner, right in your inbox.

More news and opinions than at a Shabbat dinner, right in your inbox.

More news and opinions than at a Shabbat dinner, right in your inbox.