Because of the coronavirus, it will take 20 years for sumo wrestling and bobbing for apples to make a comeback. How bad is the coronavirus thing? A rabbi told me that the Mashiach was planning to come next month but he canceled his plans for now.
A few weeks ago, I was kissing and hugging and shaking hands with everyone. I was taking bites off of other people’s forks and sipping from their cups. I was touching bathroom doors in public parks. I was riding exercise bikes and soaking in health club whirlpool baths.
Those days are over. If you watch the news, you know the world is turning into one big prison. When talking with people, we’re told to stand a few feet away. If someone sneezes or coughs near us, we’re to run through the nearest carwash and pay extra for a coat of hot wax. We’re told not to touch almost anything or anyone without first wiping down it or them. If this keeps up, if I go to a restaurant, the utensils will come in those sterile bags the dentist tears open to pull out an instrument to poke your gums.
In just a few short weeks, I’ve turned into a major hoarder. Purell is going for $50 a bottle. I have 40 bottles of sanitizer in my safe deposit box. I have 100 rolls of toilet paper and 6,300 Lysol wipes in my closet. I’m gearing up and ready for the long haul. And no, you can’t have any.
I’ve turned mean and selfish. Shortages, fear and disease will do that to a person. I’ve never been a germaphobe. Until a few weeks ago, I would’ve licked the handrail on an escalator for a laugh. But things have changed. People I know are scared.
Truth is, scientists don’t know if COVID-19 will be gone soon or will be here for a while. And the eventual damage it will do is unknown. Our rabbi said that only God knows when this will end. And I believe that. But God doesn’t work on our schedule. Sometimes he takes a long, long time. I’m not insensitive to the fact that some people have died, and many are getting sick. But so far, it’s not the black plague. Let’s hope it stays that way.
Live in gratitude, not fear, because these are days you won’t get back. You can’t bank days. You get only so many.
But people are in fear. Some of them have families, some don’t. We are told people of a certain age (my age) and who have certain illnesses are more vulnerable. I have a 70-year-old friend who is recovering from leukemia. He’s beside himself. People are being quarantined — some in their homes, some on ships and some in hotels. Some aren’t sick but are so fearful that they’ve created their own quarantine hell. They’ve created an internal boogeyman. They’ve become obsessed with the coronavirus.
But there’s a bright side. There is an opportunity that you might not want to miss, a chance to buy low and sell high. And I don’t mean stocks. Our faith proclaims “we are created in the image of God.” Here’s your chance to use that God part of yourself. “Love your neighbor as yourself” is the universal golden rule, which the Talmud defines as a “great principle” of Judaism. Seek out those who are suffering with this and talk with them, if not in person, then via email or phone. They might be in Israel, New York, next door or in the bed next to you. People need to be comforted and you can help.
How close are the words COVID and kavod (honor). As far as COVID-19, do what you can but don’t let it ruin your life. For kavod, honor your parents and God and be grateful that they brought you into the world — even a world with COVID-19. Live in gratitude, not fear, because these are days you won’t get back. You can’t bank days. You get only so many. So live your life. Be of service. Tell everyone you love them. And like your mother always said, “Wash your hands and stop playing with your face.” Hey, wait till you see COVID-27.
Mark Schiff is a comedian, actor and writer.
