What You NEVER Expect When You’re Expecting…

 We saw the Romantic Comedies.  We read the books.  

And here’s the stuff they left out:

THE FIRST TRIMESTER: 


—You’ll probably develop carpel tunnel syndrome from spending over an hour a day on Google trying to figure out if those niggling pains in your pelvic area that you’ve been feeling for a few days are period cramps, or possibly (oh please God!) pregnancy symptoms…  Then you’ll google “carpel tunnel” and “pregnancy” to see if there’s a correlation. 
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—Even if you’re TTC, chances are, you’ll be smoking a cigarette or drinking a glass of wine

or shooting smack

a day or two before you find out you’re pregnant. 

—You’ll be secretly thrilled to have an excuse not to suck in your tummy.  Or wear Spanx.  But until you start looking pregnant, you’ll just look a little bloated.  And this will piss you off. 

—You may bleed. I did.  In both pregnancies.  And it was a nightmare.  Both times. 


—Transvaginal ultrasounds are bionic dildos sheathed in condoms and squirted with a lot of lube.  It’s like a sci-fi porno starring your Lady Business… and your bladder if you forgot to pee before your doctor shoved that thing inside you.

—There’s an unspoken rivalry between women who puke and

women who don’t.

—Unless you’re upfront about being knocked up, people will assume you had a boob job. 

—Panty-liners will become your best friend.  And if your partner goes out to buy them for you and doesn’t judge, then he or she is badass.

—Hormones are no joke, and should be a valid defense if you cut the bitch who took your parking space in front of Krispy Kreme.  

(Wadup, Judge Feldman.)

—You will hold your breath until you cross the First Trimester finish line. 

THE SECOND TRIMESTER:

—  You’ll spend at least 20 minutes a day looking at your profile in any full-length reflective surface you can find.  You will celebrate when your belly”pops.”  But really, you still just look bloated. 

—The hormone defense should still hold water when your partner brings the wrong kind of ice cream home from the supermarket.  And you cut him or her. 

—You will have crazy-intense dreams.  And not flying-with-unicorns-over-rainbows-in-outerspace-dreams.  Unless you’re into that sort of thing.   In other words, you know how 14 year old boys have to change their sheets every morning?  Well, you will too. And you’ll love it.

—The first time you think you feel your baby move, it’s probably just gas.  Sorry.

—At the 20 week ultrasound, all babies look like Voldemort.  Even yours. 

—There comes a time in (almost) every pregnant woman’s life when she fantasizes about her OBGYN or midwife.

—Maternity bras are fugly.

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