Throughout the year, we all do things we’re not proud of. For example, maybe you let your dog urinate on your neighbor’s lawn a few too many times this past year. And maybe you had a few drinks one night and decided to join him. It happens.
Whatever the case may be, you still have a chance to say you’re sorry and make amends, as tough as it may be, before the heavenly gates close on Yom Kippur.
Admitting you were wrong takes guts. That’s why I’ve put together this worry-free list of ways to deliver the message this year in good faith and with flair. After all, if you’re going to apologize, you might as well make sure the message gets through!
1. Write your friend a haiku of apology. Here’s one I composed on the internet on writeahaiku.com: “I know that I’m wrong / I cannot write you a song / for you a haiku.”
2. Send flowers. Everyone loves a fragrant bouquet of roses. To be extra nice, insert one of those smiley face balloons on a stick. Isn’t that a cute idea? It is.
3. Write “Sorry” on a cake and send it to her house. Just make sure it doesn’t contain any nuts. Or gluten. Or eggs. Or anything else that might kill her. Because then you’d have one more thing to atone for, and you can’t handle that right now.
4. Ask a waiter to deliver a plate of hummus that says, “Forgive Me!” If she doesn’t accept it, eat it. You’ll feel better anyway.
5. Have five friends write letters on their chests spelling out the word “S-O-R-R-Y” and then take off their shirts during a live, televised football game.
6. Blow the shofar during shul and have the words “I’m sorry!” pop out of it on a flag like an Acme gun.
7. Hire someone to deliver a singing telegram. There are plenty of celebrities who you can get to work for cheap. I hear Peyton Manning isn’t too busy these days.
8. Skywriting. It really makes a big statement. Just be careful you don’t get too specific. For example, saying, “Hey Carrie, I’m sorry that I gave you that STD. I’ll see you tomorrow back at work at the Chipotle on Third and La Brea.” This might not have the desired effect you’re looking for.
9. Change all the locks in the house and hide when your spouse comes home. After she’s exhausted every effort to get into her house, you jump out of the bushes with your key, ready to save the day. Oh, yeah, and say you’re sorry while you’re at it.
10. Key the words “MY BAD” into your friend or family member’s car. He’ll get the message. If he doesn’t, you could always slash his tires and then call a tow truck. That’ll show you’re really there for him.
If none of these works, don’t fret. You could always just give your friend a call. People usually appreciate that kind of thing.
Happy repenting!
Danny Lobell is a Los Angeles-based stand-up comedian who runs the podcasts “Modern Day Philosophers” and “The Mostly Bull Market,” as well as a monthly improvised storytelling show at the Hollywood Improv called “Bookshelf.”
