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October 10, 2016

The vacation from hell is about to end: Notes on the presidential debate

1.

In a memorable article, Charles Krauthammer once called the Bill Clinton era in the White House a “vacation from history.” When he wrote that article, in the middle of the following decade, the vacation was long over. American soldiers were fighting in Afghanistan and in Iraq, and reality had already dawned on America. It realized that “viewing the world through the narrow legalist lens of liberal internationalism” and “drafting and signing treaty after useless treaty on such things as biological, chemical and nuclear weapons” makes little difference in the real world.

But today American foreign policy is, again, vacationing. To Clinton’s credit – that is, Bill Clinton – his vacation was cheerier, more entertaining, more charming than that of the 2016 election cycle. To Donald Trump’s credit, today’s vacation seems to be shorter. This is a vacation that Hollywood would probably tag something like “a vacation from hell,” but it's one that will not last for eight years – more like eight months.

2.

The Presidential debate yesterday was a prime example of this spirit of a soon-ending vacation, alternating between things as unserious as “locker room” maneuvers and as serious as comparisons between the suffering in Aleppo and the Holocaust. In a short while, one of the two candidates – possibly Clinton – will meet the need to put behind the juvenile habits of the campaign trail, and begin dealing with real problems.

So a lot of attention was paid since yesterday to the nasty nature of the debate, and it was a nasty one. But it was not without substance. The part of the debate that focused on Syria was substantial. It exposed the discrepancies between the two candidates on a meaningful policy issue, and also the problems both of them have in presenting a coherent approach to this issue.

In defense of both Trump and (to a lesser degree) Clinton, the Syria mess is not of their doing. The next American president will face a situation in Syria that is highly problematic – the result of an incompetent policy on part of the Obama administration.

3.

Trump concluded that Aleppo “basically has fallen.” As sad as this sounds, he is probably being more realistic in this assessment than his opponent (Clinton did not disagree with him on this point – but was trying to make the impression that things can still be done). Trump’s approach to Syria is, in fact, a continuation of the Obama policy – that is, to abandon Syria. Of course, Trump would rightly say that Obama complicated Syria and made it almost impossible for the US to be more active in this region.

Clinton gives an answer on Syria that is more soothing to the ear of all the people who are horrified by what’s going on in Syria – that is, all moral people. She still wants to do something. She still hopes to influence Syria’s future. But her policy prescription is vague. Trump is clear – I will do nothing and let Assad stay and Russia rule. Clinton is unclear. Clinton “advocate(s) today a no-fly zone and safe zones,” but doesn’t explain how such “zones” can be established when the Russians have already deployed sophisticated missiles in Syria and threaten to shoot down any airplane that enters the area since “any missile or air strikes on the territory controlled by the Syrian government will create a clear threat to Russian servicemen.”

4.

The candidates also spoke about Iran. Clinton offered her regular, somewhat cautious defense of the deal: “we got a treaty reducing nuclear weapons. It’s how we got the sanctions on Iran that put a lid on the Iranian nuclear program without firing a single shot.” Trump offered his regular blunt attack on the deal: “when I look at the Iran deal and how bad a deal it is for us, it’s a one-sided transaction where we’re giving back $150 billion to a terrorist state.”

With Iran, both candidates seem to adopt Trump’s approach to Syria – good or bad, the Iran deal is a done deal. Not one of them offered any indication that they are going to reconsider the parameters of the deal or to somehow strengthen its capacity to tame Iran’s behavior. Trump, in a bizarre sort of way, also seems to follow some of Obama’s logic concerning the considerations the US makes as it deals with Iran. “Russia is killing ISIS. And Iran is killing ISIS. And those three have now lined up because of our weak foreign policy,” he said. That is to say: according to Trump yesterday, and I read the transcript twice, a supposedly bad thing – weak foreign policy – brought about a supposedly good result – a fight against ISIS that does not involve the US.

5.

Clinton also made an interesting statement concerning her support for an effort to probe “war crimes committed by the Syrians and the Russians and try to hold them accountable.” Going back to the “holiday from history” theme, these words sound familiar. They are reminiscent of the unrealistic belief in international processes and institutions that were common during the Clinton and the Obama administration.

Surely, Clinton knows better. She knows that no probe against the Russians is feasible. She knows Russia is too strong to be investigated. Vladimir Putin is no Slobodan Milosevic – he will not be put on trial for enabling a massacre. He is also not Boris Yeltsin, who opposed the Kosovo war but was not strong enough in his opposition to try and prevent it.

The vacation from hell is about to end: Notes on the presidential debate Read More »

Trump vs. Clinton, Round 2: Iran, Syria, dog whistles and deplorables

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump did not shake hands, and then they did. The Republican nominee called his rival the devil and said he would jail her. Clinton said that three minutes of a 2005 video in which Trump bragged about committing what constitutes sexual assault “represents exactly who he is.” He said it was “locker room talk” and – pressed hard by a moderator – said he did not commit the acts that he claimed in the video.

Those “highlights” from the debate are strewn throughout social media and are making headlines on Monday morning.

But sown throughout Sunday evening’s presidential debate at Washington University in St. Louis, already dubbed the most intensely negative in modern history, were notes of substance and tone. Jewish and pro-Israel readers may want to heed a number of them.

Donald Trump mentioned Iran, often.

Trump slammed the Iran nuclear deal three times, emphatically, as had his running mate, Indiana Gov. Mike Pence, in his debate last week with the Democratic vice presidential candidate, U.S. Sen. Tim Kaine of Virginia.

The deal reached last year between Iran and six major powers led by the United States, which exchanges sanctions relief for rollbacks in the Iran nuclear program, has become the Trump campaign’s exhibit A in depicting the Obama administration as a foreign policy failure.

On Sunday night, Trump called it “the dumbest deal perhaps I’ve ever seen in the history of deal-making” and again said it converted Iran within three years from a weak nation to a powerful one.

It’s a notable transition: Throughout the Republican primaries, Trump said the agreement was a bad one, but was coy about whether he would rescind it, saying he would first consult experts once he was in office. It wasn’t a foreign policy priority like renegotiating trade deals or walling off Mexico.

Now the deal has become a front-and-center issue, and while Trump still is not specific on whether he would scrap the agreement altogether or attempt to renegotiate it, it is nearing the top of his to-do list.

Hillary Clinton mentioned Iran, in passing.

Clinton’s main foreign policy thrust was to remind viewers of Trump’s coziness with Russian President Vladimir Putin and present herself as a tougher alternative. She mentioned the Iran deal as a means of showing that she is capable of cooperating with Russia, while confronting it as well.

“It’s how we got the sanctions on Iran that put a lid on the Iranian nuclear program without firing a single shot,” she said of her role as secretary of state in getting a reluctant Russia on board with the sanctions regime.

The Democrat’s notation was not the seven robust mentions her running mate gave the deal in last week’s debate. Kaine, who is close to J Street, the liberal Jewish Middle East policy group that backed the deal, was instrumental last year in shepherding the deal through Congress.

Clinton instead has emphasized her role in setting up the sanctions regime and has also sought to present herself as more of a hawk than President Barack Obama. The latest dump of hacked Clinton-related emails includes one from an adviser, Stuart Eizenstat, counseling just such a distancing on the Iran deal last year.

“Hillary cannot oppose the agreement given her position as the President’s Secretary of State and should urge its approval by Congress,” Eizenstat said in an email to Clinton’s top foreign policy adviser, Jake Sullivan. “But she can and should point out concerns with it … More broadly, she should appear more muscular in her approach than the President’s.”

Did Trump just hand Syria to Iran?

Trump delivered a rambling and at times inchoate response when a moderator asked him what he would do to stop the carnage in Syria.

One clear takeaway: He does not want to confront the regime of Bashar Assad, which is principally responsible for the nearly 500,000 lives lost in the civil war that has ravaged the country since 2011. Instead, he said, the United States should solely be focused on hitting the Islamic State terrorist group. Trump said, as he has in the past, that Russia should be a partner in that enterprise. He also said he outright disagreed with Pence, his running mate, who last week said the United States should hit Assad’s military if Russia continues to slam civilians with airstrikes.

More alarmingly for Israel, Trump appeared to say that Syria is otherwise a lost cause and should be left to Assad and his allies, Russia and Iran.

“I think you have to knock out ISIS,” he said. “Right now, Syria is fighting ISIS. We have people that want to fight both at the same time. But Syria is no longer Syria. Syria is Russia and it’s Iran.”

Israel sees few good outcomes in the Syrian war. One of the worst, though, is leaving Iran, its deadliest regional enemy, indefinitely in place on its northern border.

The Syria exchange provided a notable moment for Clinton as well. Not only did she robustly differentiate herself from Obama, counseling a no-fly zone and increasing arms and training for some rebels, the sole moment she interrupted Trump (he interrupted her 18 times, according to Vox) was when he charged that she was with Obama when he violated his “line in the sand” pledge to use the military to hit Assad should his regime use chemical weapons. Assad crossed that line and Obama blinked in 2013.

Clinton pointed out that she was no longer secretary of state in 2013.

“I was gone,” she said. “I hate to interrupt you, but at some point we needed to do some fact checking.”

Ears were perked up. Was Donald whistling?

Trump, whose mentor was Roy Cohn, a counsel to the Wisconsin Republican Sen. Joseph McCarthy in the 1950s, has exhibited a McCarthy-like penchant for guilt by association.

Many of the associations he cited Sunday evening were Jewish. Among them: Sidney Blumenthal, Clinton’s longtime friend, whom Trump (again) falsely blamed for having “started” the so-called birther rumor that Obama was born in Kenya — a rumor that Trump more than anyone else perpetuated (one mention); Debbie Wasserman Schultz, the Democratic National Committee chairwoman forced out when hacked emails revealed her antipathy toward Clinton’s primaries rival, Bernie Sanders (two mentions); financier, philanthropist and Democratic Party donor George Soros, cited by Trump as, like him, a rich guy who takes advantage of tax loopholes (two mentions), and Goldman Sachs, the Jewish-founded bank that paid Clinton top dollar for her speeches (one mention).

Was Trump’s substantive following among anti-Semites within the alt-right paying attention? Jewish Twitter sure was and, like the notorious Star of David tweet and the Pepe the Frog meme, Trump may have been passing along names and themes that mean more to the alt-right than he is aware of or is willing to acknowledge.

On the other hand, Trump did not start the false rumor about Blumenthal and the Kenya birth; Wasserman Schultz was indeed DNC chairwoman, and her “victim,” in Trump’s narrative, Sanders, also is Jewish; Trump mentioned the non-Jewish billionaire Warren Buffett, another Clinton backer, when he brought up Soros, and while Goldman Sachs is only one of a number of banks that hosted Clinton, the most salient leaks in the recent batch of hacked emails were from her appearance at an event hosted by Lloyd Blankfein, the bank’s CEO.

The moderators asked Clinton about her comment last month at a fundraiser that half of Trump’s followers were “deplorables” motivated by race hatred, among other factors. At the time the former New York senator almost immediately apologized for saying it was “half,” and now she appeared to say it was down to one, Trump.

“My argument is not with his supporters,” she said. “It’s with him and with the hateful and divisive campaign that he has run, and the inciting of violence at his rallies, and the very brutal kinds of comments about not just women, but all Americans, all kinds of Americans. And what he has said about African-Americans and Latinos, about Muslims, about POWs, about immigrants, about people with disabilities, he’s never apologized for.”

Trump countered that “she has tremendous hate in her heart.”

Did Trump miss the Jewy moment?

As long as we’re circling back to the juicy bits, there was one moment I predicted would take place – but it didn’t go down exactly the way I thought.

It was a town hall forum, where undecided voters were supposed to ask questions (they kind of got lost in the sniping among the candidates and the assertive questioning by the moderators). One who stood out was the final questioner, Karl Becker, who asked: “My question to both of you is, regardless of the current rhetoric, would either of you name one positive thing that you respect in one another?”

I predicted this question and Clinton’s answer – past debates have featured similar questions, and usually the reply has to do with how one’s rival is a decent family man, if nothing else. Why would it be Jewy, this time? Trump’s daughter, Ivanka, is Jewish; his son, Eric, is married to a Jewish woman, and Clinton’s daughter, Chelsea, is married to a Jewish man.

“I think that’s a very fair and important question,” Clinton said, going first. “Look, I respect his children. His children are incredibly able and devoted, and I think that says a lot about Donald. I don’t agree with nearly anything else he says or does, but I do respect that. And I think that is something that as a mother and a grandmother is very important to me.”

Trump’s reply was that Clinton was a “fighter” who “doesn’t give up” (a little at odds with his multiple jabs about her “stamina”). But he appeared reluctant to accept Clinton’s reply as the compliment it was.

“I consider her statement about my children to be a very nice compliment,” he said. “I don’t know if it was meant to be a compliment, but it is a great — I’m very proud of my children. And they’ve done a wonderful job, and they’ve been wonderful, wonderful kids. So I consider that a compliment.”

It was an odd reply: Clinton was not saying that his good children were an anomaly, or that they turned out well in spite of him. “That says a lot about Donald,” she said, presumably crediting his parenting. (Chelsea and Ivanka are good buddies, so Clinton presumably knows whereof she speaks.)

Donald, parenting is the hardest job there is. When someone says you’ve made a good go of it, just run with it.

Trump vs. Clinton, Round 2: Iran, Syria, dog whistles and deplorables Read More »

In Hurricane Matthew aftermath, Jewish groups lend a hand

As the death toll from Hurricane Matthew continued to rise, Jewish groups were working to help victims in the United States and the Caribbean.

The storm, which the National Hurricane Center downgraded to a post-tropical cyclone on Sunday, has killed at least 19 people in the U.S., including in Florida, Georgia, North and South Carolina, according to NBC.

In the Caribbean, much of the damage was concentrated in Haiti, where the death toll was said to have reached 1,000, Reuters reported.

The American Jewish Joint Distribution Committee was focusing its efforts on Haiti, where it was working with relief group Heart to Heart International to provide hygiene kits, water purification tablets and other aid to those on the island’s highly affected southern part.

Also in Haiti, the World Jewish Relief was providing emergency assistance, including food, water, shelter and hygiene kits. The American Jewish World Service was sending relief funds to aid groups in Haiti and the Dominican Republic.

The Mexican Jewish humanitarian group Cadena dispatched volunteers to Haiti to help with search-and-rescue efforts and relief work there.

Chabad emissaries in U.S. states helped provide assistance to victims, including by using their houses to provide shelter and distributing Shabbat meals and care packages over the weekend to students and residents in Florida.

The Jewish Federations of North America was opening an emergency fund to collect money to mobilize humanitarian support and provide relief to Jewish communities in the path of the hurricane.

In Hurricane Matthew aftermath, Jewish groups lend a hand Read More »

Teenage daughter of Jerusalem shooter arrested after praising him on viral video

Israeli security forces arrested the teenage daughter of the eastern Jerusalem gunman who killed two Israelis in a shooting spree.

The 14-year-old girl was held and questioned with her mother for more than an hour Monday morning before being taken into custody, the Palestinian Maan news agency reported.

Prior to the arrest, a video of the teen, Eiman, praising her father, Misbah Abu Sbeih, 39, of the Silwan neighborhood, went viral on Facebook.

“We deem my father as martyr,” Eiman said in the video, according to Maan. “We hope he will plead for us before God on judgment day. … I am proud of what my father did.

“We’re very happy and proud of our father,” she also said. “My father is a great man. Our relationship, as father and daughter, was excellent.”

Abu Sbeih shot and killed at least one person at the Ammunition Hill light rail station in northern Jerusalem, then continued shooting as police pursued him on Sunday morning. Officers ultimately shot and killed the assailant, who had been expected to report to an Israeli prison Sunday at the time of the attack to serve a four-month sentence for assaulting a police officer in 2013.

He reportedly had been known to Israel Police as a suspected terrorist and member of Hamas for several years. Abu Sbeih previously spent a year in jail for incitement in Facebook posts.

The Hamas terror organization in Gaza claimed Abu Sbeih as one of its operatives and praised his “operation.” He also was a member of the Morabitun, a group of Muslim extremists who go to the Temple Mount to harass and threaten Jewish visitors.

Photos showed Hamas supporters handing out candy and baklava to celebrate Abu Sbeih’s “martyrdom.” Candy in his honor also was handed out in eastern Jerusalem. The Fatah party of Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas announced a day of mourning in his memory.

An Israeli soldier was injured early Monday morning when a Palestinian resident of eastern Jerusalem threw an explosive device at troops measuring the Abu Sbeih family home located in the al-Ram neighborhood of eastern Jerusalem for demolition. Crowds had gathered outside the home to celebrate his act, and 31 people were arrested for their celebrations. The homes of Palestinian terrorists are frequently demolished as punishment for terror acts.

Teenage daughter of Jerusalem shooter arrested after praising him on viral video Read More »

A Jewish doctor, a Muslim patient, a love story

“Doctor Emrani,” yelled the nurse, excited to see me in the Emergency Room. “This woman is about to die and she is refusing care.”

I met Zahra for the first time as part of a code. Code Blue is dire, announcing impending death. 

She spoke only Farsi, and I happened to be nearby admitting another patient. I tiptoed to her, so as not to frighten an injured bird. I asked everyone to leave the room, took off my white coat to let her know I was safe, pulled up a chair and sat next to her. I reached for her hand with mine.

“Mother,” I whispered. “You are having a heart attack and a stroke at the same time. It’s your body. I’m not going to force you to do anything that you don’t want to.”

With her short, silky, silver hair and blue-gray eyes, she pleaded “nothing invasive.” Through her pending stroke, she was having trouble pronouncing words. She spoke with her eyes more than with her mouth. I nodded.

A clot had formed in the artery that supplies oxygen to the front of her heart, causing a heart attack, paralyzing the pump. As a result, a second clot had formed inside her heart and was now going to her brain, causing a stroke. 

I spoke her language. Sinking in an ocean of “foreign” speakers, I was her Farsi buoy. She relaxed. I joked. She let me give her a thrombolytic — an intravenous infusion of a clot-busting drug. It was a gamble. She could have bled inside her brain. But it was all she would allow me to do. I always respect patients’ wishes.

Three days later, she walked out of the hospital intact. No neurological deficits. Her initial stutter turned into fluent speech.

That was 16 years ago, just before Yom Kippur, in the Days of Awe. 

That year, I heard the shofar with a heightened appreciation for life, each broken note resonating with the sounds of the bells and whistles in the Intensive Care Unit. Just as alarms awaken us from sleepwalking, so, too, the shofar reminded me of life’s fragility.

In temple, I pleaded with God to make me lucky with the care of patients like Zahra. I felt her hand in mine. It took me back to my childhood in the streets of Tehran, when, on Fridays, I would wake up to the sound of the azan over the local PA system. I imagined Zahra as a young woman kneeling, praying to Allah, being moved by the azan at a time when I, as a child, had goose bumps on hearing the sounds of the shofar. Once, I heard President Barack Obama quoted as saying that “the sweetest sound I know is the Muslim call to prayer,” and I knew what he had meant.

The beauty of medicine is that it strips us of our superficial labels. The X-ray of a man, a woman, white or Black, gay, straight or divorced, Muslim or Jew — they all look the same. Beneath our skins, under our cloaks, our hearts are identical, and they all break in the same way, vulnerable to the same insults. In these times, when the daily bombardment of news divides us, builds walls between us, medicine reminds me to remain humble, to care for each patient equally.

In the movie “Sully,” airline captain C.B. “Sully” Sullenberger, who executes an emergency water landing on the Hudson River, makes a profound statement: “I’ve delivered a million passengers over 40 years, but in the end I’m going to be judged by 208 seconds.” Back when my family escaped Iran, I found myself thinking about this same notion many times over. Cyrus the Great was good to the Jews. Persia was vastly good to the Jews. I did not want to judge Iran and Persian Muslims for the last few years by the actions of the mullahs.

To this day, Zahra calls me her “son.” She prays for me, asking Prophet Muhammad to bless me. She is a poor woman of little means who holds a special place in my heart. When her daughter died a few weeks ago, she called me before she told her family. After we talked for a while, she confided in me that I was the only person who had ever truly loved her. Others had pretended to love her, but I had always acted lovingly toward her. Then, sobbing, she said to me, “We’re all brothers and sisters — Jews, Christians and Muslims — but sometimes we don’t know it until we lose a child and realize how much time we wasted hating in a short life that should be spent loving.”

The great poet Rumi wrote, “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing / and rightdoing there is a field. / I’ll meet you there. / When the soul lies down in that grass / the world is too full to talk about.” 

This week, Zahra dropped off a Quran for me, not in an attempt to convert me, but out of respect, and because it is the most valuable item she has in her household. The holy book is over 100 years old, making it an antique. I will donate it to a mosque in her daughter’s memory.


DR. AFSHINE EMRANI is a cardiologist in Tarzana. Read his blog, A Jewish doctor, a Muslim patient, a love story Read More »

Things not to say to mourners (and some things you can do instead)

When friends announce on Facebook that a loved one needs prayers, or is in the hospital, or that they’re going through a hard time, I get a sinking feeling. And while recovery sometimes happens, sometimes, it doesn’t. So when I read, “I am heartbroken to announce …,” my heart breaks, and the pain of my own loss reawakens, in sympathy for the end of a life and for what is to follow for those still with us — a year mourning the loss through text, ritual and the communal embrace that is vital, but stands in contrast with grief’s frequent companion: a stark and searing sense of solitude. 

Death is part of the organic fabric of life, our liturgy tells us, arriving sometimes in a timely manner and sometimes in a shocking and unexpected instant years or decades too soon. But regardless of the individual circumstances surrounding a loss, family members and friends are left to mourn and to try to move through the grief to live their lives in a new normal.

Jewish rituals provide a year of structure for rudderless mourners, with customs that encourage communal engagement while acknowledging that the year is one in which the mourner is set apart from and different than the embracing community. While this state traditionally lasts a prescribed year, in emotional reality, it tends to linger. Five years after my mother’s death, when people check in on me, I’m grateful; Judaism says that I have been done with mourning for the span of a college education, but that doesn’t mean I’m back to the me I was before. It doesn’t mean that my mother’s absence from the world doesn’t affect me anymore. It’s just different.

I remember those first few months, and how many people, hoping to utter words of comfort, instead spewed forth words of frustration, anger, pain and even insensitivity. They were probably as appalled as I was, but I know — and I hope they know that I know — that their hearts were in the right place. I believe they were so concerned about saying the wrong thing that they often said something even less appropriate.

Each mourner is different. Each grief circumstance is different. Each person finds comfort differently, in different gestures and phrases. But here are seven things — in honor of the traditional seven days of shivah — that everyone should try to avoid saying, along with a few things you can do or say instead to express your love and concern for someone who is experiencing a loss.

Avoid awkward moments engaging the mourner, conversationally or physically. There’s a tradition to leave the conversational initiative entirely to the bereaved, to wait until he or she wants to speak. Some mourners crave the physical embrace of community, while others prefer a spiritual support and company, but not literal embraces (especially from virtual strangers). While challenging to all of us who love words and fear silence, or who are more inclined toward long and crushing hugs to convey what’s in our hearts, sitting quietly in a room next to someone who is grieving can send a powerful, wordless message of presence and support (even if you don’t touch). 

“Read” the mourner and be mindful of your relationship with him or her. Are you a close friend, whose embrace the mourner may be expecting, or are you an acquaintance who hugs as an alternative to conversation? If you’re concerned about the potential awkwardness of your physical or verbal interaction, ask the rabbi or a relative what kind of support the mourner may want. You can also ask the mourners if they would like a hug, and don’t be offended if they say no — not everyone wants to be touched by everyone.

Avoid commentary about the illness or the last moments of the deceased. “At least your loved one’s suffering is over” falls into a category of things that people inside and outside the immediate family may think quietly, especially if the deceased has been through a long or public illness, but should not say. Similarly, “at least s/he didn’t suffer,” or “what a blessing that it happened so fast.” You are not the coroner, so don’t offer your opinion on the cause of death or its nature. Instead, sit quietly with the mourner for a while — if there’s an appropriate opening, gently ask the mourner to share their favorite memories or most memorable moments.

Avoid making comments about the afterlife. In some religious communities, it’s comforting to devout people to think about their loved one being “in a better place,” “taking his place at God’s side” or (as I’ve heard religious Christians say) “going to Jesus.” But, emotionally, most mourners do not find comfort in this concept (especially “God needed another angel”). Is there an afterlife? Heaven? Hell? Olam ha-ba, where you study Talmud all day? No one knows; there are too many theological and emotional potholes in grief’s road to cover over with religious speculation about the afterlife. Instead, focus on this life: “I hope the community is the right kind of supportive when you need it. And I’m always available to help you.” (More on this in the next paragraph.)

Avoid: “Is there anything I can do?” Think about the vastness of the word “anything,” and the one thing it cannot include: the return of the lost loved one. Also, offers to help are something mourners receive in abundance at funerals and at shivah, but as time goes on, the offers trickle down to nothing. A year in, people who haven’t been through a loss themselves may assume you’re “fine.” And while you probably will be functional to some degree, at least, you’re probably not “fine.” Instead, if you’re offering assistance, get specific — grocery shopping, picking up kids from school or activities, baby-sitting so that the mourner can have some personal time. Specific offers give the mourner a chance to say “yes” or “no, thanks,” but without challenging them to think deeply about what they need and what you can and cannot provide. And if you’re a friend who really wants to be supportive, offer assistance even after shivah, or during the year of mourning, or beyond, after the offers have faded away but the need for support remains. 

Avoid judgmental commentary about the funeral, the shivah or about how the mourner is grieving. 

In many communities, there is variation in how people participate in mourning rituals. For instance, traditionally, shivah is held for seven days (shiv’ah means “seven” in Hebrew) for a close blood relative (parent, sibling or, God forbid, a child) or a spouse, and in a designated year of mourning, traditionally mourners abstain from “celebration.” But some (especially the non-Orthodox) are altering these traditions to fit their lives: sitting shivah for an aunt, uncle or grandparent, or only observing a few days of shivah. People want to connect to Jewish meaning and tradition, but not necessarily in a strictly Orthodox halachic framework. Saying things like “you’re not supposed to” or “not allowed to” grieve in a specific way is counter-supportive: The function of shivah, in particular, is to help the community gather around a mourner for support, not criticize the depth of their feelings or the minutiae of their approach to mourning. So don’t render a judgment as to whether it’s appropriate or halachic. Instead, if you’ve ever been on the inside of a year of mourning, you can offer, “If you ever want to know what helped me, I’m happy to share.” And if you haven’t been, just be there and listen.

Avoid over-empathizing with the mourner’s experience and emotional state. While this comes from a good place, saying, “I know exactly what you’re going through” minimizes the intensity of the mourner’s emotional state and shifts the conversation to being about you. For most mourners, especially at funerals and during shivah, this is not comforting; it’s a negation of their special status in that space. Occasionally, people double down on these kinds of statements, following up with an anecdote about a deceased pet or another “loss” story that isn’t equivalent — because no story of loss is ever really equivalent. Instead, saying, “I can’t imagine how hard this is for you,” or “I know it’s not the same, but I have some experience with loss if you ever want to talk,” is a better approach.

Avoid using shivah as an excuse to badmouth the community or its members. While this might seem a simple enough thing to avoid, the essential awkwardness that people feel when trying to comfort a community member may result in people blurting out things that are unintentionally hurtful. This may include criticizing the eulogies or the funeral service, or gossiping about the community’s failure to let everyone know the funeral was happening. Listen to the mourner. That’s why you’re there, to offer presence, an ear, and words of consolation when you have them. In most cases, that’s enough.

May we all know only simchas. But in the unfortunately inevitable event of a tragedy, let us focus our love and respect on the needs of those who are in the center of the grief circle, and may we as community members take seriously the sacred privilege of helping those who suffer to know that they are not alone. 

Things not to say to mourners (and some things you can do instead) Read More »

25 entertainment-free hours

A couple of years ago at around this time, it was widely reported that Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky had unexpectedly passed away. CNN, Time magazine and The New York Times covered the story. In fact, every major news organization devoted considerable space to Rabbi Krustofsky’s death.

You may be wondering who Rabbi Krustofsky was to deserve such attention. The thing is, you will certainly have heard of his son Krusty the Clown, an iconic character on the long-running animated series “The Simpsons.” Yes, you read correctly. Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky is a fictional character on a TV show, voiced by comedian Jackie Mason. Incredibly, in the same week that the Ebola virus hit the United States and an intruder with a weapon made it into the White House, and on the same day that Hong Kong erupted with unprecedented protests, and the United Nations heard competing accounts of Israel’s and Hamas’ role in the Middle East, ink and airtime were used abundantly to report the death of a fictional rabbi who was featured in a quirky cartoon series.

What are we to make of this? What are we to make, generally, of the dumbing down of news and information? Kim Kardashian gets more airtime than President Vladimir Putin of Russia. News that Justin Bieber has abandoned his Instagram account is tweeted around the world in seconds, while reports of the executions in Iran of 12 individuals for drug offenses after trials lasting 20 minutes barely make it into any news outlets. Even real news descends to superficial absurdity, as our presidential candidates turn serious political issues into inane sound bites and personal slurs. How does any of this make sense?

The answer is that it makes eminent sense once you realize that for the vast majority of people, news is just another form of entertainment, and unless it is amusing them, they are not interested. Nobody wants to hear a serious discussion about real news. Analysis is too dense. Context is too obscure. And if the news outlets can manage to make news stories out of the entertainment industry and entertainers — it’s a slam-dunk. Presenting lurid stories about Hollywood shenanigans as news allows the people who read them to pretend they are serious — it’s a news story, after all! — while in fact it is really just entertainment. And entertainment is a source of pleasure. Human beings are constantly seeking ways to feel good, and entertainment makes you feel good.

You might be wondering, if entertainment and giving pleasure is the actual goal of news organizations, why do they report on wars and violence? The answer is, as sick as it sounds, that war stories are also entertainment, in the same way that horror movies are. People are stimulated by the mayhem of war and violent murder. The treatment of wars as entertainment is the reason why many wars are perceived as they are, with negative sentiment directed at the wrong party. If war is presented two dimensionally simply to stimulate a base reaction, the reaction, when it comes, is bound to be ill judged and superficial. Just like our opinions about Justin Bieber and Kim Kardashian are probably ill judged and superficial.

All of this will help us understand the laws associated with the annual Jewish holy day known as Yom Kippur. Every year, I am asked as a rabbi why it is that Jews refrain from eating and drinking on Yom Kippur, and from other basic aspects of daily life. Surely one would be able to concentrate better on the prayers and on the awesomeness of the day itself if one was able to have some food? By starving ourselves, all that will happen is that we will crave food. What is the point of that?

While that might be true, eating on Yom Kippur would mean missing the whole point of the day. On Yom Kippur, we desist from indulging in our pressing need for physical stimulation, to drive home the message that if one wants to get serious — by which I mean really serious — one must strip away all the fluff and the externals, firstly, to demonstrate to yourself how needy and dependent one actually is, and secondly, so one can focus on what life is about, and how one can create meaning out of existence in a setting where stimulation is proscribed. If the aim for Yom Kippur is to get to grips with the real you without any distractions, then the 25-hour break from a cacophony of meaningless stimulants — news, phones, TV shows, food, drink and the list goes on — seems like a very good idea. It will give anyone who does it properly the time and mental space to focus on what really matters.

So why not have Yom Kippur once a month? Because that just wouldn’t work. We are, after all, human beings, drawn to stimulants of every kind. The truth is, there is nothing wrong with that. It is the way God created us. We need stimulation to help us function more positively.

But an annually scheduled daylong break from those stimulants will certainly help us reconsider and re-evaluate which stimulants we should seek out during the rest of the year. We might choose to be stimulated by a meaningful relationship with God, and by productive and healthy relationships with our families and friends. Or we could just choose to be stimulated by reports of the death of a cartoon rabbi.


Rabbi Pini Dunner is the senior rabbi at Young Israel of Northern Beverly Hills Synagogue.

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How to say you’re sorry before Yom Kippur

Throughout the year, we all do things we’re not proud of. For example, maybe you let your dog urinate on your neighbor’s lawn a few too many times this past year. And maybe you had a few drinks one night and decided to join him. It happens.

Whatever the case may be, you still have a chance to say you’re sorry and make amends, as tough as it may be, before the heavenly gates close on Yom Kippur.

Admitting you were wrong takes guts. That’s why I’ve put together this worry-free list of ways to deliver the message this year in good faith and with flair. After all, if you’re going to apologize, you might as well make sure the message gets through!

1. Write your friend a haiku of apology. Here’s one I composed on the internet on writeahaiku.com: “I know that I’m wrong / I cannot write you a song / for you a haiku.”

2. Send flowers. Everyone loves a fragrant bouquet of roses. To be extra nice, insert one of those smiley face balloons on a stick. Isn’t that a cute idea? It is.

3. Write “Sorry” on a cake and send it to her house. Just make sure it doesn’t contain any nuts. Or gluten. Or eggs. Or anything else that might kill her. Because then you’d have one more thing to atone for, and you can’t handle that right now.

4. Ask a waiter to deliver a plate of hummus that says, “Forgive Me!” If she doesn’t accept it, eat it. You’ll feel better anyway.

5. Have five friends write letters on their chests spelling out the word “S-O-R-R-Y” and then take off their shirts during a live, televised football game. 

6. Blow the shofar during shul and have the words “I’m sorry!” pop out of it on a flag like an Acme gun.

7. Hire someone to deliver a singing telegram. There are plenty of celebrities who you can get to work for cheap. I hear Peyton Manning isn’t too busy these days. 

8. Skywriting. It really makes a big statement. Just be careful you don’t get too specific. For example, saying, “Hey Carrie, I’m sorry that I gave you that STD. I’ll see you tomorrow back at work at the Chipotle on Third and La Brea.” This might not have the desired effect you’re looking for.

9. Change all the locks in the house and hide when your spouse comes home. After she’s exhausted every effort to get into her house, you jump out of the bushes with your key, ready to save the day. Oh, yeah, and say you’re sorry while you’re at it.

10. Key the words “MY BAD” into your friend or family member’s car. He’ll get the message. If he doesn’t, you could always slash his tires and then call a tow truck. That’ll show you’re really there for him.

If none of these works, don’t fret. You could always just give your friend a call. People usually appreciate that kind of thing. 

Happy repenting! 


Danny Lobell is a Los Angeles-based stand-up comedian who runs the podcasts “Modern Day Philosophers” and “The Mostly Bull Market,” as well as a monthly improvised storytelling show at the Hollywood Improv called “Bookshelf.”

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Poem: Yom Kippur

On holiest day dismal I digest myself, composed.
There will be one of these each year, specific apology,

each sin. That of horrible tongue, cut-rusted, that
of proud wash-out. And what mad break this fast

on an untoward day, head spinning. I saw a man
die. Touched his vacant body, wet his stomach

until my eyes turned at his passing in self-scented
clothes. Now I bind in white, wed to what is done

is wrong. Such terrible dragging of lipstick across
a smart mouth to divide it. Such greed. Such intention


First published in Paris Review, Summer 2000, Issue 155

Lynn Melnick is the author of “If I Should Say I Have Hope” (YesYes Books, 2012) and co-editor, with Brett Fletcher Lauer, of “Please Excuse This Poem: 100 New Poets for the Next Generation” (Viking, 2015). She teaches poetry at 92nd Street Y in New York City and serves on the executive board of VIDA: Women in Literary Arts.

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Erev Rosh HaShanah Sermon: Shelter From the Storm

People are so strong and so vulnerable. We need one another if we’re to do our individual best.  Having functioned as a rabbi for, really, just a few years now, I am struck more than ever by the concrete human needs that a Jewish community meets for the people within it—how the principle of Kol yisrael arevim zeh bazeh—all the people Israel are responsible for and to one another—is not just a reminder of the a key lesson for Yom Kippur: that as a community, we are, to a degree, responsible for the unworthy behavior that we provoke or accept. It is also a reminder of our positive obligations—that while we respect one another’s privacy, we do not oblige anyone to carry their burdens alone. That we are not to let one another drown. The hospital visits, the committee meetings, the fruit of which made today possible, the religious school bursting with young life, the people who take time on Tuesday night to learn a little Torah, the phone calls to shut-ins, the support for the bereaved, the casseroles and the cleaning—and the profound sharing, the quiet dignity of people who reveal their deepest regrets and hopes to one another so that we all feel a bit less alone—to witness and participate in these things has lifted me up and infused me with life and that’s the Judaism I want to share with you.
Keeping this key idea in mind—mutual responsibility in the face of mutual vulnerability—let’s look at the meanings of Rosh HaShanah—a day considered in our tradition to be the birthday of the world. The mood—the vibe—of this day, which begins as do all Jewish days at sundown, is unique. It combines celebration with awe, and, as you will see tomorrow, the flavor of the day shifts increasingly from celebration to sobriety as we turn from joy and wonder at the sheer immensity of creation—of is-ness—to a thoughtful contemplation of how we expressed our imperfections throughout the last year and of how we can grow and change and move forward…

It is not my purpose or my prerogative to tell you what to think. It is, however, my purpose to suggest that we do indeed need to some thinking. To consider deeply what sort of neighborhood and what sort of city will promote that vital embodied, interdependent human life we are capable to live. I will remind you that our tradition demands of us that we care for the orphan, the widow and the stranger—those who find themselves especially vulnerable in the moment, knowing that the safe space we create is one that we will certainly, at some point, be needing ourselves. I will get very concrete here and remind you that we who live in the city of Los Angeles will be obliged when voting this November to know what we think about two measures that we will find on our ballots: Prop HHH (a bond measure for homeless housing) and Prop JJJ (an ordinance to require affordable housing and good jobs in new developments). I will remind you that in our own neighborhood, apartment buildings which have been family-friendly, affordable and diverse (one of which houses a beloved teacher in our religious school) might well be transformed into luxury spaces for the few. We need—each of us—to know what we think about this as we reflect on created-ness, on our common condition as creatures who are dependent for our very survival on those transformations of the environment which shelter our flesh and blood.

TO READ THE REST OF THIS SERMON, PLEASE FOLLOW THE LINK:

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