In Between in Aurora

My father, alav hahalom, died shortly before Passover in 2011. When we learn that a close relative has died, but the person has not yet been buried, we are called an onen, or “someone in between.” Mourning doesn’t officially start until our loved one is buried, so we are in between the time when the person was alive and the time when mourning begins.

One of the reasons we Jews bury our dead as soon as is reasonably possible is because we know it’s important to start mourning. Acknowledgement of the death, caring for the dead person with respect, and a speedy burial are all part of this process. Life cannot continue for the living until their beloved dead are properly cared for.

Unfortunately for me, at the time of his death, my father was married to a woman who isn’t Jewish. She doesn’t know about our traditions, and felt no need to conform to them. Shortly after my father died, she left town to be with two of her daughters, saying she would deal with my father’s arrangements after she returned.

My father died on a Saturday morning. The following Friday night, I went to the synagogue, and the rabbi pulled me aside before services. “When is the funeral going to be?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” I replied.

“I’m sorry,” he responded.

“It sucks,” I told him.

“It sucks” is hardly an adequate description for what it feels like to know your father’s body is lying, alone, in a drawer in a morgue hundreds of miles away, unattended by a shomer, waiting for an undefined period of time before someone decides they’re ready to arrange for the burial.

This state of being “in between,” of my father being dead but not buried, was surreal. It was difficult for me to sleep, knowing he was not at rest. Time seemed to stretch out forever.  Hours felt like days. When he was finally buried, twelve days after his death, it felt like a couple of months had passed. It was brutal.

All of this came up for me while I was watching the news about the tragedy in Aurora, Colorado. According to a story on ” title=”Like my Facebook page!” target=”_blank”>Religious and Reform Facebook page to see additional photos and behind-the-scenes comments from Susan, and follow her on Twitter: