It’s always good to take a break, even from yourself. I live alone and have five mirrors above my bed. I’m not that vain that I want to look at myself all the time, just when having sex. Since that hasn’t happened in a little while, I routinely rehearse karaoke songs and flex my muscles in the mirror.
I am flattered when anyone invites me to hang out because I get tired of hanging out with this weird Warren Zevon fan that looks a lot like me.
I welcomed the invitation by Ilana Angel, the Jewish Journal’s most popular blogger, to sit on a three person panel alongside her and Seth Menachem of “My Single Peeps” about being single for the Journal’s “Anti-Valentines Day Event.”
Danielle Berrin, the “Hollywood Jew,” moderated a lively discussion to an audience of 115 Jewish singles of all ages. I’m not used to being asked questions in front of a large audience so in the middle of Danielle’s questions I would drift off. Ilana would answer the question while I looked to see which girls were cute in the audience. Then Danielle turned to me and asked “What about you, Elliot?”
“Sorry, can you repeat the question?” I asked. Other times I went off on tangents about what a great moderator Danielle was.
We covered topics like whether it’s okay to date outside of Judiasm and if it’s okay to be single when society tells you it’s not. I made up a bunch of stuff and then was happy when the conversation shifted to online dating. I recommended OkCupid because it’s free and you can easily meet girls who like ethnic food and look like Janis Joplin. The word “Free” got the crowd excited, as you can imagine.
“What’s been your experience with JDATE?” Danielle asked.
“I was on JDATE a few years ago and then went back to visit. A lot of the same girls are still on the site, even if you click refresh.” I paused. “Borders has more new inventory than JDATE.”
Someone mentioned that JDATE is expensive. “I’m waiting for JDATE to do a Groupon” I remarked. “I want half-off, or at least a half-Jew.”
Then during the panel I realized my shoe was untied. I apologized to Danielle, and the audience.
“You deserve better from a panelist.” A few people laughed. Most were confused.
After the panel was over I made my rounds, and wound up meeting some nice Jewish girls. I was even invited back to the next singles event in May.
An even better invitation was still to come…
My buddy Jay invited me to join him and three friends to see Advance Auto Parts Monster Jam at Dodger Stadium. Fittingly I wore my jean jacket and blue jeans-denim on denim. Jay wore flannel, a tank top and a Firestone ball cap. Jay and I dressed like the Pittsburghers we are.
The crowd was mainly Mexican men and their five year old sons and white folk you don’t normally see in the city. It would have been the first kiss cam where no one had any teeth. And then there we were, five members of the Los Angeles Jewish community ready to see “Maximum Destruction” fly through the air and destroy any vehicle in sight!
“Are you ready to see this RV get smashed to pieces?” yelled the PA announcer.
“We are!” I yelled.
Out came the one and only “Gravedigger.” We stood on our feet cheering and pumping our fists as Gravedigger awed us by demolishing the RV. It was Gravedigger’s All-American moment. Flying through the air and smashing the RV to pieces was not only an homage to sponsor, Advance Auto Parts, but a indeed a tribute to Whitney Houston.
“It’s tee-shirt time!” barked the PA announcer.
A go kart circled the stadium shooting tee-shirts at the crowd. It was a real life drive-by shooting. I am not above screaming for a tee-shirt. I danced a little bit too. Wearing denim on denim while drinking a bud light I could fart and people would cheer.
And what’s Monster Jam without a beach ball? Monster Jam is like the Oscars for beach balls. We did the wave and finally had to sit down. We were jammed out.
I accept I’m just as weird in public as I am in private. I’m glad others accept that too.
