I am back on JDate! (And just in case you’re a Jewish single woman — or the mom/grandmother/parole officer of a cute single Jewish woman looking for a fun, slightly neurotic and mind-numbingly sexy man … my JDate screen name is VICTORSTUART.)
OK. That was terribly gratuitous of me to immediately pitch myself for dates at the top of this article. But hey, I want to find a wife! (The screen name again … VICTORSTUART.)
So, over the years as a periodic JDater, I’ve read many intriguing, thoughtful and fun essays. But I’ve noticed some things you women write that I think may be hurting your chances at finding your bashert (which, in Yiddish, means “destined” — the person you marry … and more than 50 percent of the time, end up bitterly divorcing).
As a way of giving back to you amazing JDate women, I’ve come up with a list of five things you should probably not write in your dating site essays, if you want the very best chance at landing love.
1. “I am as comfortable in a little black dress as I am in jeans.”
Whaaaat? It’s sweet and cute that you think this is important to a guy. But sadly, guys don’t give a rat’s ass what you’re comfortable wearing.
I’ve NEVER had a guy friend say to me, “Vic, this girl I met is totally hot, funny and smart. But I had to end it because, OMG, she’s totally uncomfortable wearing a little black dress.”
Final word: If you want to add some humor to your profile, write: “I am as comfortable GETTING OUT of a little black dress as I am GETTING OUT of jeans.” If you write that, I’m in!
2. “I love eating at fine restaurants.”
Oh, really? So, you’re one of those rare women who prefers not eating out of city garbage cans on Cahuenga Boulevard.
Sorry, ladies. When a guy reads, “I love eating at fine restaurants,” what he’s really reading is, “I love spending a lot of money.” Your love of the finer things doesn’t make you special. It makes you EXPENSIVE!
Final word: Unless you write, “I love TAKING my JDate guy to five-star restaurants and PAYING the bill,” It’s best not to mention “fine dining.”
3. “I am not looking for a hookup.”
If you write that you’re not looking for a hookup, the only thing a guy’s caveman brain sees is … HOOKUP!
So, your well-intentioned goal of keeping those “hookup” guys away may actually be attracting them! Yikes! Also, FYI, I’ve never seen a woman write, “Looking for a hookup — casual sex in the backseat of my Prius, under a restaurant table at Norm’s or at a freeway rest stop anywhere off Interstate 5.” If you don’t want to have sex on a first date, don’t have sex on a first date.
Final word: Are you writing your “hookup” declaration for the guys? Or are you trying to convince yourself you don’t want sex on a first date? Is this a case of, “The lady doth protest too much?” Hmm.
4. “I looooooooove traveling.”
Countless JDate women write ad nauseam about how much they love globetrotting. Some women proudly list every single country they’ve conquered the way some guys keep a list of every woman they’ve slept with.
Here’s a reality check for you insanely over-the-top travel-crazy women who get hot just flipping through a Fodor’s Travel Guide. Every department store in America has a luggage department. Most people enjoy traveling. Yes. It’s fun. But your travel bug doesn’t make you especially unique.
If you have an awesome travel story that says something about you — share it! Or write about places you’d love to visit with the guy of your dreams. I want to fantasize about going with you!
Final word: If you are a woman, we get it. You love to travel. Briefly mention this in your profile essays in a meaningful way, and then travel on.
5. “I have no baggage.”
So, what that really means is you don’t know you have baggage. Scary. Just like traveling the world, traveling through life requires baggage. As your potential traveling partner, I want to know that you know you have baggage. It means you’re real. And being a gentleman, I want to help you carry your baggage.
Final note: There’s no need to try to appear perfect. Perfect is perfectly boring (and non-existent).
I hope these suggestions help. Ultimately, it’s most important to just be yourself. Vulnerability counts for a lot. The more real you are in your essays, the more real your chances of finding true love.
My JDate screen name again: VICTORSTUART! Email: [email protected]!
Vic Cohen is a TV comedy writer, producer and actor starring with Howie Mandel in the documentary film “Committed.” He hosts the podcast “Vic Cohen’s It’s a Fair Question” (available on iTunes). Follow him on Twitter @viccohen.