Dear Tabby: Passover Edition

For some strange reason, preparing for Passover elicits a lot of anxiety and stress in some Jews. 

I’m kidding, of course. I commence feeling anxious about Passover the day after Hanukkah. And apparently, I’m not the only one, as the latest submissions from readers reveal. If you have a question you’d like answered in this partially useful advice column, please email deartabby@jewishjournal.com.

Dear Tabby,

My Persian friends are always excited about Passover because of “Dayenu.” But why the green onions?

Yours, 

Sam

Dear Sam,

There are some questions that are as eternal as time itself: What is the meaning of life? Who is G-d? And why do Persian Jews beat each other with scallions during the Passover seder?

In short, Persian (and Afghani) Jews attack one another with pungent scallions during the “Dayenu” recitation of the seder for two reasons. First, the scallions resemble the unforgiving whips of the Egyptian taskmasters (unless you’re at a table with my family, who turn the scallions around and use the hard bulbs). Second, in case anyone at the seder is tempted to romanticize their own metaphorical Egypt (whether it’s a cell phone addiction or a desire to be at Happy Hour, rather than a family seder), the scallions are a wake-up call that we have better pursuits in life. The Israelites actually romanticized life back in Egypt, telling Moses, “We remember the fish that we ate in Egypt free of charge, the cucumbers, the watermelons, the leeks, the onions, and the garlic” (Bamidbar 11:5-6). Remind me to never describe the watermelons back in Iran with such sentimentality. 

Dear Tabby, 

What are the best Sephardic dishes to make on Passover as a new Sephardic wife? 

Thanks,

Ariel 

Dear Ariel, 

I suggest the following sumptuous dishes for Sephardim and Mizrahim during Passover: Basmati rice, Basmati rice-stuffed chicken, Basmati rice-and-meat stuffed bell peppers, Basmati crispy rice (Persian tadig), Basmati rice pudding, and finally, Basmati rice balls topped with kosher imitation crab, cucumbers and avocado (with more Basmati rice pudding for dessert). As you can see, diversity of ingredients is key. B’teavon. 

Dear Tabby, 

What’s the best way to defend yourself during “Dayenu”? Scallion attack strategies are also appreciated.

Warmly, 

Liora

Dear Liora, 

I assume you’re asking this question because you’re Persian. First, grab your scallions early and quickly. The amateurs (or the very elegant) will each take one dignified scallion; you should hoard between 8-12 a few minutes before “Dayenu” is recited. Next, identify whom you’ve annoyed or insulted in the past year that’s sitting at the table. They’ve been waiting months to enact their revenge against you. Avoid them by hiding behind children or the elderly. I’m also a big fan of the airborne scallion. Rather than relying on short distances and direct hits, I also hurl scallions across the room at targets. Sometimes, it’s a direct strike. Other times, I’m forced to clean old scallions out of lamp shades and flower pots. 

Dear Tabby, 

Just thinking about Passover is overwhelming. What kind of comic relief do you suggest to get through it? 

Thanks,

Daphna

Dear Daphna, 

Look up “Persian Passover Dayenu” in the search function of YouTube. Enjoy. 

Dear Tabby, 

How do you avoid starving your family while trying to turn your kitchen over? Any tips and tricks would be greatly appreciated!

Thank you, 

Raymonde

Dear Raymonde, 

Anyone who has kids knows that feeding them in the volatile few days between preparing your kitchen for Passover and the start of the holiday itself is a time of high anxiety (if not all-out misery). If your kids eat fruits and veggies, buy them by the barrelful. If they still complain that they’re hungry, remind them that their grandparents, great-grandparents and ancestors ate simple, clean foods year-round, in the days before Wacky Mac, frozen, dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets, or Streit’s matzo ball and soup mix (my favorite, which I infuse with a lot of turmeric, cilantro and dill and try to pass off as a Persian stew). If all else fails, remind them how fortunate they are to choose to be a little hungry, while hundreds of millions of children worldwide struggle with hunger without a choice. And promise them a heaping plate of chocolate-covered matzah the morning after the first seder.

Tabby Refael is an award-winning, LA-based writer, speaker and weekly editorial columnist for the Jewish Journal of Greater Los Angeles.